The Controlling Partner

[Pyramid*]

On the offshoot from another thread.....

Controlling partners.

Some of you on here are too young to have possibly encountered - but am sure you may still find some you can relate to - even as friends.

As I am female: I'll use that slant for discussion in what I find a controlling partner (or friend).

Social events are with 'their friends'...not yours.

They 'dont like' your friends - regardless of how nice they are

They make the rules on where you are going, when and with whom.

They love that you are popular with their friends - in public. But in private, you are accused of all manner of things, that you are purportedly 'upto' , with their friends (though they'd never accuse their friends of this, or admit to giving you a hard time over it either)

Single sex events (ie: GNO's) are seen as an absolute threat - you know it's going to cause grief when you mention it to them.

You go to a night out without them -normally with 'your' friends, not theirs, and then you 'pay the price' by your partner treating you like a piece of dog crap, as though you've done something very wrong,when you haven't.

When you don't answer your phone to them and have to call them back: you 'must have been up to no good'. (in their eyes)

you find that you put off nights out / visits to your friends, without your partner, as you no longer can be assed with the aggro you'll get (and the unfounded accusations) from your partner. (you know.... the one who supposedly loves and trusts you!)

If you dare ask the partner about something they have arranged to go without you - regardless of how innocent a question is - it's turned around into YOU making a bit deal about nothing and interrogating them. (yet it's ok for them to do the same thing with you and you are meant to just accept that !!!)

When you get stuck in traffic quite genuinely ..... and know you are going be under suspicion of 'foul play / cheating / getting up to no use / making plans behind their back' - and are going to arrive home to a barrage of questions and the inevitable major fight *with them storming out, getting drunk then coming home to give you more verbals and/or worse*

I see these traits in both males and females, but it does 'seem' more prevailant in the insecure and jealous male partner.

What makes these people tick and why do people put up with it.:conf::conf:

[joeysteele]

I would never put up with it, I have to be my own person.

[Pyramid*]

I would never put up with it, I have to be my own person.

It's one of those situs that you 'have' to be in I suppose Joey - we all think and say we would 'react' in a certain way when we've not 'been there'......... but when it happens - we realise sometimes that we don't quite 'react' the way we KNOW we should.

It all very dependant on personal circumstances as well - in each of the people involved at the time of meeting, how the relationship grew - and then changed..... by which time - much has happened.

[Crimson Dynamo]

Weak people tend to gravitate to people like this. They need the control.

and btw no bloke likes his partners friends that much - mainly because they are girls.

[Josy]

I would never let myself become controlled like that, I have no idea how anyone puts up with it either.

[BB_Eye]

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily.html
All you need to know. :)

[InOne]

Everyone says "Oh I would never be controlled" But you'd be suprised, emotions can override sometimes.

[BB_Eye]

Everyone says "Oh I would never be controlled" But you'd be suprised, emotions can override sometimes.
Yeah, I doubt anybody is immune to this, except the actual people who do it.

[Crimson Dynamo]

We all do it

[InOne]

Yeah, some of the controlling is probably subconscious

[Beastie]

I would never let myself become controlled like that, I have no idea how anyone puts up with it either.

This. However from my experience. If you have a partner. Then the male needs plenty of sex. Yes they will wait a little while until you are ready to do it the first time but once a female partner rejects their partner for sex.. then this can be a good reason of a male's controllable behaviour. They may already be controlling but more so/angry/frustrated if they don't have any sexy time. It a need in like 90-95% of men. Of course you will get that minority that don't need a lot of sex.

A bloke told me.. his mate's wife always gives him sex/a blow job before he goes out with his male mates. The bloke told me his mate therefore has never cheated on his wife because he "got some" before he went out.

[Pyramid*]

Everyone says "Oh I would never be controlled" But you'd be suprised, emotions can override sometimes.

Yeah, I doubt anybody is immune to this, except the actual people who do it.

Yeah, some of the controlling is probably subconscious


All of this. I think some are 'sucked in' ... long before they even realise it.

[Crimson Dynamo]

I think you would be fooling yourself to think that your partner trusts you implicitly and you should never trust them that way either. Life is not like a film and you can only trust your blood.

[BB_Eye]

I think you would be fooling yourself to think that your partner trusts you implicitly and you should never trust them that way either. Life is not like a film and you can only trust your blood.
Relationships are not a walk in the park, but if it gets to the point where you have a situation like that listed above, it's not really working, is it?

[Pyramid*]

Relationships are not a walk in the park, but if it gets to the point where you have a situation like that listed above, it's not really working, is it?

True. Anyone who thinks otherwise, will have a heavy price to pay before 'reality' sinks in - loving a person does not necessariy mean it's a good or healthy relationship - which is what i THINK many are of the opinoin IS a good relationship. (you know, I love him, I trust him............ but the relationship doesn't actually reflect that in reality).

[Tom4784]

I'd end the relationship, I can't stand Neuroticism.

A relationship can't work without trust and if someone's that controlling it obviously means they don't trust you and that'll lead to nothing but a dead end relationship.

[joeysteele]

It's one of those situs that you 'have' to be in I suppose Joey - we all think and say we would 'react' in a certain way when we've not 'been there'......... but when it happens - we realise sometimes that we don't quite 'react' the way we KNOW we should.

It all very dependant on personal circumstances as well - in each of the people involved at the time of meeting, how the relationship grew - and then changed..... by which time - much has happened.

True, point noted, but I hate being smothered, the moment it started to happen I would pull away fast.

Once my times of solitude were being limited or eroded then that would likely,(I say likely admitting that one day someone may have a really massive effect on me),turn me against them and I'd need to walk away from it all.

Time will tell I guess but for me long term commitment will be a very hard river to cross anyway.

[Rob]

I think we all have that element in us, it's keeping it under control that is the key

[Pyramid*]

True, point noted, but I hate being smothered, the moment it started to happen I would pull away fast.

Once my times of solitude were being limited or eroded then that would likely,(I say likely admitting that one day someone may have a really massive effect on me),turn me against them and I'd need to walk away from it all.

Time will tell I guess but for me long term commitment will be a very hard river to cross anyway.

If someone is being smothered, or feeling smothered - in my opinion, it's a bad relationship unless it can get sorted and pronto!!

[joeysteele]

If someone is being smothered, or feeling smothered - in my opinion, it's a bad relationship unless it can get sorted and pronto!!

Absolutely.

[Kerry]

Been there, receiving end and have the hospital list and scars and broken bones to prove it. With me I was too frightened to leave the relationship and VERY young. When you consider someone telling you they'll kill you if you leave them it's not so easy.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing as I did manage to get out but trust me it was purely through true friends it happened. Many don't have that

Everyone says they'd walk away. It really isn't that simple

[Benjamin]

Been there, receiving end and have the hospital list and scars and broken bones to prove it. With me I was too frightened to leave the relationship and VERY young. When you consider someone telling you they'll kill you if you leave them it's not so easy.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing as I did manage to get out but trust me it was purely through true friends it happened. Many don't have that

Everyone says they'd walk away. It really isn't that simple

This. Everyone says it is easy to walk away, but trust me it isn't That partner will go to extreme lengths to ensure it's not an easy break.

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

yes

[Pyramid*]

Been there, receiving end and have the hospital list and scars and broken bones to prove it. With me I was too frightened to leave the relationship and VERY young. When you consider someone telling you they'll kill you if you leave them it's not so easy.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing as I did manage to get out but trust me it was purely through true friends it happened. Many don't have that

Everyone says they'd walk away. It really isn't that simple

This. Everyone says it is easy to walk away, but trust me it isn't That partner will go to extreme lengths to ensure it's not an easy break.


both above too. Normally by that time, the controlling partner has made sure you're completely 'cowed', dependant on them (psychologically) and has depleted you of all confidence you ever had - and as Kerry says: then the emotional blackmail starts. Awful, truly awful. It never fails to amaze me (shock me? I'm not sure which), that these controlling partners have the audacity to say, "I love you". Nope, they love controlling you.

yes, I've been there too Kerry as many others have - thankfully many years ago - but part of me inside 'knew' there was something not quite right during the 'being charmed off my pants' stage - yet still you get sucked in. Heart ruling head and common sense flying out of the window.

Bizarre thing is: now I spot such a guy (or female) who is like this, very very quickly and have watched a young 21 year old go through the very same thing recently and it's heartbreaking to realise the only help you can give is 'be there - without question'.

[Zippy]

truth is, some women are attracted to controlling men and bad guys generally

then they start complaining when they act bad and controlling!

And adults should take control of their own lives. No its not easy to leave certain relationships..but is it easy to stay? No. So you basically way up which choice is easiest and sadly many women decide to stay in abusive relationships rather than take that leap into the unknown. Well thats their choice. Maybe they should choose better men in the first place.

[Pyramid*]

truth is, some women are attracted to controlling men and bad guys generally

then they start complaining when they act bad and controlling!

And adults should take control of their own lives. No its not easy to leave certain relationships..but is it easy to stay? No. So you basically way up which choice is easiest and sadly many women decide to stay in abusive relationships rather than take that leap into the unknown. Well thats their choice. Maybe they should choose better men in the first place.

If only life was as cut and dried as that. Truth is: it isn't.

[Niamh.]

truth is, some women are attracted to controlling men and bad guys generally

then they start complaining when they act bad and controlling!

And adults should take control of their own lives. No its not easy to leave certain relationships..but is it easy to stay? No. So you basically way up which choice is easiest and sadly many women decide to stay in abusive relationships rather than take that leap into the unknown. Well thats their choice. Maybe they should choose better men in the first place.

This isn't a gender specific issue though, there are also plenty of men being "controlled" by their wife/girlfriend

[Zippy]

If only life was as cut and dried as that. Truth is: it isn't.

No but life is about choices and unless youre being held captive against your will then you have options. Its up to you to find the strength to get out of a bad relationship. After all, the woman chose him and got herself into it in the first place.

Plus every relationship has two sides. Just as a battered woman can make excuses for not having the strength to leave, the guy also has reasons for being that way too. Truth is, they are usually both bad for each other and bring out the worst. By staying and taking continual abuse you are feeding his troubles. One of them needs to break the cycle and its unlikely to be the one with the upperhand.

[Pyramid*]

This isn't a gender specific issue though, there are also plenty of men being "controlled" by their wife/girlfriend

Very true. It's only in recent years that we are hearing more and more about 'husband beaters' (to coin a phrase). As I said earlier: for every 'bad man', there's a 'bad woman'. It's not gender specific, that' for sure but it is more prevailant in men controlling women I think.

[Zippy]

This isn't a gender specific issue though, there are also plenty of men being "controlled" by their wife/girlfriend

well I was picking up from certain posts.

but my points still generally apply. Some men are attracted to domineering women and I would say exactly the same to them.

[Pyramid*]

No but life is about choices and unless youre being held captive against your will then you have options. Its up to you to find the strength to get out of a bad relationship. After all, the woman chose him and got herself into it in the first place.

Plus every relationship has two sides. Just as a battered woman can make excuses for not having the strength to leave, the guy also has reasons for being that way too. Truth is, they are usually both bad for each other and bring out the worst. By staying and taking continual abuse you are feeding his troubles. One of them needs to break the cycle and its unlikely to be the one with the upperhand.

Which sounds a very plausible and reasonable way to look at it. However, unless you have been in that situation: what you think you will do, how you feel you would react, is often: the complete reverse. You have to have gone through to realise that it's not quite as simple as that - there are a myraid of factors that have to be built in - and before you know it, 'you're in it' - the very place you swore you'd 'kick any man into touch' with.......

I'm hardly a shy wall flower type as I'm sure you'll have guessed. If I can get suckered - anyone can!! Believe me, there's a damn sight more to it all that what you know you should do - and doing it.

[Niamh.]

well I was picking up from certain posts.

but my points still generally apply. Some men are attracted to domineering women and I would say exactly the same to them.

Well, going by my own experiences and people I actually know, the reasons men and women usually stay in those situations is because of kids not because they like to be dominated or are weak people

[Zippy]

Well, going by my own experiences and people I actually know, the reasons men and women usually stay in those situations is because of kids not because they like to be dominated or are weak people

well the kids often suffer too in abusive relationships so I don't get that logic.

My childhood memories are of constantly being gathered together with my sisters by my mum so we could run off to my aunts or mums friend. Yeah I grew up with an extremely violent and abusive stepfather. Then a few days later she'd go back to him and he'd be all nice to her. I quickly realised that she was as addicted to the situation as he was. Its like she enjoyed the part where he would beg her to come back. Eventually it took her nearly ten years to finally break away and it was a painfully slow and gradual process. Even when they moved to different cities they would still have to see each other regularly. So yeah, I have seen all this up close. He was as controlling as you can imagine.

Thankfully my sisters have benefitted from seeing this because they wouldnt put up with a controlling man for 2 minutes.

And you should also remember that some people doing actual enjoy being submissive and controlled. There are websites...

[Niamh.]

well the kids often suffer too in abusive relationships so I don't get that logic.

My childhood memories are of constantly being gathered together with my sisters by my mum so we could run off to my aunts or mums friend. Yeah I grew up with an extremely violent and abusive stepfather. Then a few days later she'd go back to him and he'd be all nice to her. I quickly realised that she was as addicted to the situation as he was. Its like she enjoyed the part where he would beg her to come back. Eventually it took her nearly ten years to finally break away and it was a painfully slow and gradual process. Even when they moved to different cities they would still have to see each other regularly. So yeah, I have seen all this up close. He was as controlling as you can imagine.

Thankfully my sisters have benefitted from seeing this because they wouldnt put up with a controlling man for 2 minutes.

And you should also remember that some people doing actual enjoy being submissive and controlled. There are websites...

well, there is a difference between being abusive and being controlling and especially if you're a man and decide to leave, chances are the women will get custody of the kids so you're basically walking away and leaving your kids with this controlling person.

[Pyramid*]

well, there is a difference between being abusive and being controlling and especially if you're a man and decide to leave, chances are the women will get custody of the kids so you're basically walking away and leaving your kids with this controlling person.

Precisely what I mean as in previous posts about the variables, circumstances, etc ...... it's not always as clear cut as it sometimes appears to be.

[Niamh.]

Precisely what I mean as in previous posts about the variables, circumstances, etc ...... it's not always as clear cut as it sometimes appears to be.

absolutely, no two cases are the same and not always just because one of the people are "weak"

[Pyramid*]

absolutely, no two cases are the same and not always just because one of the people are "weak"

I don't like the word, 'weak'. I don't think it's correct either. I prefer to use the term 'vulnerable' as that tends to be far more appropriate - they are vulnerable for all mannner of reasons, depending on the circumstances.

Still the pits either way and for those affected (partner, children, parents watching on helpless, friends the same).

[Zippy]

Precisely what I mean as in previous posts about the variables, circumstances, etc ...... it's not always as clear cut as it sometimes appears to be.

well what's your solution then?

we all know there's a million scenarios but what they all boil down to are weak minds and submissive dispositions. Neither myself or my sisters would ever be controlled in a relationship and I can say that for a fact.

Like with most things it all goes back to how you're raised. That said, we became strong by seeing our Mothers weakness as an example.

[Niamh.]

I don't like the word, 'weak'. I don't think it's correct either. I prefer to use the term 'vulnerable' as that tends to be far more appropriate - they are vulnerable for all mannner of reasons, depending on the circumstances.

Still the pits either way and for those affected (partner, children, parents watching on helpless, friends the same).

yeah I agree and I also hate the attitude that some people have that they somehow deserve to be walked all over because they're weaker or more vulnerable

[Pyramid*]

well what's your solution then?

we all know there's a million scenarios but what they all boil down to are weak minds and submissive dispositions. Neither myself or my sisters would ever be controlled in a relationship and I can say that for a fact.

Like with most things it all goes back to how you're raised. That said, we became strong by seeing our Mothers weakness as an example.


If I had the solution Zippy, I'd not be sitting faffing about on a Sunday afternoon, making homemade soup and on here.

It's nothing to do with how you are raised. I grew up with a very controlling father, and a mother who was controlled.....(yet ironically, she too was controlling in her own way with me) .... I saw all the signs within the 1st 3 months, yet thought 'I could change him / help him beat it....".

the only person I beat up was myself for not listening to my head (and instinct) rather than my heart. But we all live and learn. It's when you don't learn from your mistakes - that's when you become a fool.

[BB_Eye]

No but life is about choices and unless youre being held captive against your will then you have options. Its up to you to find the strength to get out of a bad relationship. After all, the woman chose him and got herself into it in the first place.

Plus every relationship has two sides. Just as a battered woman can make excuses for not having the strength to leave, the guy also has reasons for being that way too. Truth is, they are usually both bad for each other and bring out the worst. By staying and taking continual abuse you are feeding his troubles. One of them needs to break the cycle and its unlikely to be the one with the upperhand.
This is the same reasoning as saying women who who wear revealing clothes deserve to get raped. People who spend years in these relationships lose any sense of agency or self-worth. Such that surviving without the abuser seems impossible. Breaking up the relationship is not something which benefits both parties either. The abuser needs a partner as source of narcissistic supply in order to regulate their self-esteem where the abused needs to break away from the relationship if they don't want their life to be a misery. It's simply that years of brainwashing will make it seem otherwise and they remain with their partner (possibly for their whole lives) out of cimpulsion. Narcissists cannot survive on their own, because their brittle self-esteem is dependent on the adulation and praise of others. This is why they themselves are sensitive to criticism and cannot 'take what they dish out' so to speak.

There's a grain of truth to what you say that both partners perpetuate the relationship in a vicious cycle. But it's not as simple as co-dependent 'battered wife' being able to leave at any time. The abused stays with their partner out of compulsion, the narcissist chooses to keep the relationship going because they know only too well the state of depression and self-loathing being alone would return them to. This is why it is impossible for two narcissists to form a relationship with eachother.

[Niamh.]

can we stay on topic please?

[Pyramid*]

This is the same reasoning as saying women who who wear revealing clothes deserve to get raped. People who spend years in these relationships lose any sense of agency or self-worth. Such that surviving without the abuser seems impossible. Breaking up the relationship is not something which benefits both parties either. The abuser needs a partner as source of narcissistic supply in order to regulate their self-esteem where the abused needs to break away from the relationship if they don't want their life to be a misery. It's simply that years of brainwashing will make it seem otherwise and they remain with their partner (possibly for their whole lives) out of cimpulsion. Narcissists cannot survive on their own, because their brittle self-esteem is dependent on the adulation and praise of others. This is why they themselves are sensitive to criticism and cannot 'take what they dish out' so to speak.

There's a grain of truth to what you say that both partners perpetuate the relationship in a vicious cycle. But it's not as simple as co-dependent 'battered wife' being able to leave at any time. The abused stays with their partner out of compulsion, the narcissist chooses to keep the relationship going because they know only too well the state of depression and self-loathing being alone would return them to. This is why it is impossible for two narcissists to form a relationship with eachother.


Someone has an interest in psychology, human behaviours and personality types!!

It is interesting concept but pinning down borderline personality disorders can not only be tricky, they can be deceptive too.

Good post btw.

[BB_Eye]

can we stay on topic please?
Last line in the original post:

What makes these people tick and why do people put up with it.

How are we off-topic? :conf:

[Vicky.]

Last line in the original post:

What makes these people tick and why do people put up with it.

How are we off-topic? :conf:

Stuff has been deleted in between the last post and what niamh said :p

[BB_Eye]

Stuff has been deleted in between the last post and what niamh said :pOh okay, disappointed to have missed it now. ;)

[Pyramid*]

Last line in the original post:

What makes these people tick and why do people put up with it.

How are we off-topic? :conf:

I think it's more to do with the fact that the posts remaining ARE on topic....other posts that weren't on topic, and have been removed - I think that's what the mods mean.

[Benjamin]

truth is, some women are attracted to controlling men and bad guys generally

then they start complaining when they act bad and controlling!

And adults should take control of their own lives. No its not easy to leave certain relationships..but is it easy to stay? No. So you basically way up which choice is easiest and sadly many women decide to stay in abusive relationships rather than take that leap into the unknown. Well thats their choice. Maybe they should choose better men in the first place.

You speak as if you know adulthood and relationships well. Once you reach adulthood maybe then join this debate.

[hannah.]

reading through this both me and my boyfriend have these traits. he does all the ones up to being happy all their friends like you (to me) and I have a feeling I do the rest. HALP