I need a joke

[Benjamin]

In my house we have a white board and I like to write a joke on it. Someone give me a good joke to put on it.

[Shaun]

josy

[Smithy]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Smithy]

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

[Smithy]

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

[Smithy]

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

[Benjamin]

Smithy, I have a white board. I am not giving them an essay to read. :idc:

[Smithy]

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

Smithy, I have a white board. I am not giving them an essay to read. :idc:

that one then

[Benjamin]

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

Although this made me chuckle.

[Fergus Mahoney]

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/dirtyonelinerjokes.html

[King Gizzard]

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines

[MTVN]

I've recently taken up playing golf, I'm not bad but I've still got a fairway to go

[Benjamin]

What is wrong with you lot. These are awful. :bored:

[King Gizzard]

Just been on a once in a lifetime holiday, never again - Timothy Vine

[Lee.]

What do you call a man watch a spade in his head?....

.. doug

[Fergus Mahoney]

Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: A rip off.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/dirtyonelinerjokes.html

[Lee.]

What do you call a man without a spade in his head ??

[Lee.]

.. Douglas!! Lolololololololx2

[MTVN]

Me and my friend recently decided to have a whole day of watching films back to back. Fortunately I was the one facing the telly

[Benjamin]

Oh GOD Lee has entered and she is drunk. Everyone run and take cover.

[Benjamin]

Me and my friend recently decided to have a whole day of watching films back to back. Fortunately I was the one facing the telly

:joker:

[Fergus Mahoney]

:joker:

That is a good one. :laugh:

[Mrluvaluva]

"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could just be a Chinese Wispa."

[Lee.]

Oh GOD Lee has entered and she is drunk. Everyone run and take cover.

Drunk? Me? Pfft

[Chuck]

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

my life

[Marsh.]

How do you get a blonde lesbian to climb the wall?

Show her the crack in the ceiling.

[Benjamin]

my life

Oh, Chuck. :laugh:

[Kyle]

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Dug

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

A midget walks into a bar, without looking he stands on a piece of sh*t lying on the floor, slides a few yards and falls on his arse. He gets up, shakes himself down and goes to the bar to order a drink.

10 minutes later a giant walks into the bar. The same thing happens, he trods right in the sh*t, slides and falls right on his arse. The midget yells out "hey I just did that!" And the giant killed him.

[Tom4784]

Hang a mirror on it.

[Kazanne]

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Dug

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

A midget walks into a bar, without looking he stands on a piece of sh*t lying on the floor, slides a few yards and falls on his arse. He gets up, shakes himself down and goes to the bar to order a drink.

10 minutes later a giant walks into the bar. The same thing happens, he trods right in the sh*t, slides and falls right on his arse. The midget yells out "hey I just did that!" And the giant killed him.

:joker::joker::joker:

[Z]

What does a nosy pepper do? Get jalapeno business!

What language does an Israeli barista speak? Teabrew! (I made this one up!)

I feel like a pack of batteries, I'm never included in anything :(

[Lee.]

A horse walks into a bar.. The batman says "why the long face?"

How do you make anti-freeze?
Hide her nightie

How do you make a sausage roll?
Give it a shove

[Marc]

How do you make anti-freeze?
Hide her nightie

How do you make a sausage roll?
Give it a shove

:joker:

[Lee.]

Why did you omit my horse joke Marc? :suspect:

[Marc]

Yes because it was ****ing rubbish.

But you saved yourself with the last two

[Alf]

What do you give to a sick budgie?
Tweetment

What's ah ah ah Bisto?
Laughing stock

I went to a zoo the other day, and all they had there was a dog.
Shih tzu

What do you call a woman with two dicks?
N-Dubz

What does a gynocologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't taste it

What's the difference between a chav girl and a chav boy?
The chav girl has a higher sperm count

[MeMyselfAndI]

.. Douglas!! Lolololololololx2

What do you call a man without a spade in his head ??

What do you call a man watch a spade in his head?....

.. doug

Ripped off Sam's jokes :hmph:

[Lee.]

Who's Sam??

[Mitchell]

What do you call a wierdo?

KYLE.

[MeMyselfAndI]

Sam from BB14 said both of those jokes on the highlights to Gina lol

[Lee.]

Sam from BB14 said both of those jokes on the highlights to Gina lol

Well he must have stolen them fro me :hmph:

[Lee.]

What do you call a wierdo?

KYLE.

As in Jeremy?

[Mitchell]

As in Jeremy?

No, hes Simple Minds :D

[Alf]

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen

What do you call a woman whose leg wobbles when she walks
Daphne

[King Gizzard]

I went to the doctor the other day, I said I've broke my leg in three places. He said, 'Don't go to those places.'

the great Tommy C

[MTVN]

Saw an old boy out on his tractor today warning that the end of the world was coming. It was Farmer Geddon

[Josy]

Oh dear

[King Gizzard]

amazing MTVN

[Kyle]

No, hes Simple Minds :D

Your obsessed with me Mitch, just confess you want my babies and we can pretend this never happened! :devil:

[Kyle]

An English mod, an Irish mod and a Scottish mod walked into a bar.....





....that must have hurt. :dance:

[Ammi]

Phone answering machine message ..' …If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..'...

[Kyle]

An English mod, an Irish mod and a Scottish mod were captured by Kazanne and were each condemned to forty lashes. However, as a concession, each was allowed to have something on his back.
'Just rub a little palm oil on my back,' said The English mod 'and I'll take The forty lashes like a man.'
'Just rub some Scotch whisky on my back,' said The Scottish mod and I won't feel a thing.'
Then, Said The Irishman. 'Just put The English mod and The Scottish mod across my back and I'll take The forty lashes like a man and I won't feel a thing either.'

[Ammi]

..a man goes to the GP..

man: Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home'..

GP: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome..

man: is that common..?...

GP: It's not unusual...

[Black Dagger]

just have a picture of you xo

[Alf]

What do you call a Dog with no tongue?

Dirty Bol*ocks

[Benjamin]

I forgot this thread :love:

[Niamh.]

Do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?

Na

[Kate!]

What do you call a Dog with no tongue?

Dirty Bol*ocks

Do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?

Na

:hugesmile: at both of these.

Niamh - that tops your brown stick joke!

[Niamh.]

:hugesmile: at both of these.

Niamh - that tops your brown stick joke!

No way, that will never ever be topped!

[T*]

What do you call a dinosaur that's just been humped?

Megasoreass

[Benjamin]

Why did the orange cross the road?

[Kate!]

A man goes to the Holy Land for holiday with his wife and mother in law. During the trip his mother in law dies. The man goes to see an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost £5,000. Or they can bury her in the Holy Land for just £150.
“We’ll ship her home” says her son in law.
“Are you sure?” says the undertaker. “That’s an awfully big expense.”
“Look” the man says “Two thousand years ago you buried a chap here and 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take the chance.”

[T*]

Why did the orange cross the road?because it wanted to get to the TOWIE set

[Kazanne]

Two Irishmen looking for a job spot a poster with "Tree Fellers wanted" Mick says to paddy,"Aw,shame there's only two of us"