Children sleeping in their parents beds.

[Jessica.]

I think children being allowed to sleep in their parents bed every night commonly causes a lot of dependency issues, I am not saying that happens in every case but in all that I have experienced it does. I know someone who is a single mother, she has a son who is almost 13 and he still sleeps in her bed, is that okay or should there be a certain age when it should be stopped? Have you experienced it?

[Niamh.]

I think 13 is far too old to be sleeping with a parent and yeah I think it'll be bad for that boy and could make him overly dependant.

[Z]

Don't really have an opinion on this - what's the son like? Need a bit more information to judge - just the fact he sleeps in his mum's bed doesn't really say much about whether or not it's a good or bad thing.

[Me. I Am Salman]

I helped my parents save money when I was a baby as I used to hate sleeping in a cot and wanted to sleep next to my mum

omg I was such a mummy's boy tbh apparently I didn't even want to get out of the car until my mum did

[Saph]

I used to hate sleeping in a cot

diva from birth

[Jessica.]

Don't really have an opinion on this - what's the son like? Need a bit more information to judge - just the fact he sleeps in his mum's bed doesn't really say much about whether or not it's a good or bad thing.

Well, I was just using it as an example, I know many more cases, but this kid actually physically threatens his mother if she tells him to sleep in his own bed, also he pees her bed all the time. D:

[Me. I Am Salman]

diva from birth

http://24.media.tumblr.com/f07f554c59e143d05b94644acf0b673a/tumblr_n1ofmupL811r0jlbgo1_250.gif

[Me. I Am Salman]

Well, I was just using it as an example, I know many more cases, but this kid actually physically threatens his mother if she tells him to sleep in his own bed, also he pees her bed all the time. D:

wtf :joker::joker::joker:

[Ninastar]

Well, I was just using it as an example, I know many more cases, but this kid actually physically threatens his mother if she tells him to sleep in his own bed, also he pees her bed all the time. D:

That's strange... Sounds like something could have happened when he was younger

[user104658]

This obviously sounds like an extreme case - I think it's pretty clear that he needs to sleep in with someone because of other serious issues, rather than having issues because of sleeping in the same bed as his parents, if you see what I mean.

Co-sleeping in the early years has been shown to be good / healthy for infants (in many cultures, and in our own culture up until relatively recently in historic terms, "family" sleeping arrangements were completely "normal".) and "forcing" independence on children who aren't ready for it actually has the opposite effect (makes them less confident / more clingy).

The vast majority of children naturally start to want their space / privacy as they get older and so like I said - this case is obviously a sign of something else being wrong (and quite seriously by the sounds of it, if an adolescent boy is wetting his bed and threatening violence). I agree with Ninastar. It actually sounds like he's had some sort of traumatic incident in early life relating to sleep or being alone at night.

[Saph]

Well, I was just using it as an example, I know many more cases, but this kid actually physically threatens his mother if she tells him to sleep in his own bed, also he pees her bed all the time. D:

http://www.breatheheavy.com/exhale/public/style_emoticons/default/***********

[AnnieK]

13 is far too old for it to be a regular thing.

[MTVN]

Kids should never sleep with their parents, bollocks to this attachment parenting like Peaches Geldof does where she kicks her husband out of bed to sleep with her kid

Maybe it's just about ok when they are very young and have a nightmare or something but it shouldn't become a regular thing imo

[T*]

I slept in my mums bed for quite some years, and I turned out fine...
But it was because I had to share a room with her. I don't anymore.

[Kizzy]

That's sick 13? seriously?... I'm sorry but that to me is so far removed from normal adolescent behaviour!
Even Oedipus would have thought that weird :laugh:
Nursing mothers yes, even though many think its dangerous in case you fall asleep and roll on them.
Very occasionally if very upset/scared but other than that no.

[Vicky.]

That's sick 13? seriously?... I'm sorry but that to me is so far removed from normal adolescent behaviour!
Even Oedipus would have thought that weird :laugh:
Nursing mothers yes, even though many think its dangerous in case you fall asleep and roll on them.
Very occasionally if very upset/scared but other than that no.

Apparently this doesn't happen..we have some instinct that doesn't let us sleep totally as we subconsciously know there is a baby there. Or so the hospital consultant told me when I was planning on BFing skye. They said I will NOT roll on her, but not to co-sleep if I had taken medication or had anything to drink, as both of those things numb the instinct that mothers have :suspect:

I think 13 is ridiculous.

I am considering letting my newborn sleep with me but only for feeding purposes...and even then only if hes one of those who wants fed every hour or so. He will be in his own bed by about 6 months.

I used to sleep with my parents if I was ill until about 12 ish iirc. But only when I was ill..would have been weird to do it all the time :S

[Niamh.]

My 9 year old son comes in for a cuddle every morning and up until he was 4/5 occasionally he would wake in the night and come into our bed, we always moved him back into his own after a bit though or else no one would get any sleep

[joeysteele]

I don't usually agree with a 13 year old sleeping with a parent or parents in their bed unless maybe something is wrong with the child or the child has some anxiety or other perhaps more serious issues.
Far better to have their own bed in the same room with the parent if that is what is needed.

All cases are different and not knowing the full facts of this situation,however I wouldn't want to say anyone was wrong.

[user104658]

Kids should never sleep with their parents, bollocks to this attachment parenting like Peaches Geldof does where she kicks her husband out of bed to sleep with her kid

Maybe it's just about ok when they are very young and have a nightmare or something but it shouldn't become a regular thing imo

Sleeping with or very close to infants under 6 months massively cuts the risk of SIDS. Forcing young children to sleep alone if it causes them distress (e.g. using "cry it out" type methods) is proven to cause psychological damage. I'd also suggest that any good husband wouldn't have to be "kicked" out of bed, as they'd also want to find the best sleep arrangement for their family, but maybe that's just me. I appreciate that many dads are much more detached and like to leave the "kid stuff" to the "womenfolk".

I sleep in the same room as my 4 year old, my partner co-sleeps with our 18 month old. It's by far the best sleeping arrangement for us. They CAN sleep perfectly well alone - they both go to bed at 7 or 8, we're night owls and don't go to bed until 2 or 3am, and we don't hear a peep out of them (barring illness). They would no doubt continue to sleep undisturbed until morning if we, for example, fell asleep on the couch.

We don't technically "need" to co-sleep with them at this point, other than the fact that we only have two bedrooms and there's not a chance in hell that they would sleep well in the same room. When our youngest is 3 or 4 I'm sure that'll be the arrangement. For now, simple logistics make it impossible.

The reasons we STARTED co-sleeping with our eldest, however, are because the complete opposite of the premise of this thread is often true. She was a very distressed baby. Possibly due to hospital trauma in the week after her birth (in retrospect) but for whatever reason, she would scream constantly if one of us wasn't with her, and for three months we were sleeping in shifts with no idea what to do. Eventually, she went in with my partner and slept like a log. So we sort of stumbled on it due to a lack of options, I suppose. Anyway - she was also a very shy, quiet and nervous toddler right up until around 2 and a half. She simply had a nervous, anxious, introverted and sensitive personality type. "Attachment bollocks" parenting, gentle coaxing, and NEVER, EVER forcing her into anything she wasn't ready for has resulted in an extremely social, extremely confident and very independent 4 year old who chatters to anyone and is already showing strong leadership qualities at school. We were recently talking about someone being shy at her pre-school and she said "...what's "Shy"??". There's no doubt in my mind that we got this right.

Most parent's instinct is to "push" their shy children out of their shyness, to "push" their clingy children to be independent. It doesn't work, ever. It's a terrible, terrible mistake. It's probably what this 13 year old boy's parents did to him until they broke him completely, and now they really ARE stuck with a "damaged kid".

But meh. Whatever. Carry on with your arse-backwards western world Supernanny techniques. TBF I don't really give a stuff about what you do with your kids when you have them.

[Samm]

I don't think I never slept in my mums bed, only when I was sick or ill

[Crimson Dynamo]

I think children being allowed to sleep in their parents bed every night commonly causes a lot of dependency issues, I am not saying that happens in every case but in all that I have experienced it does. I know someone who is a single mother, she has a son who is almost 13 and he still sleeps in her bed, is that okay or should there be a certain age when it should be stopped? Have you experienced it?

And the problem is what?

[Kizzy]

Sleeping with or very close to infants under 6 months massively cuts the risk of SIDS. Forcing young children to sleep alone if it causes them distress (e.g. using "cry it out" type methods) is proven to cause psychological damage. I'd also suggest that any good husband wouldn't have to be "kicked" out of bed, as they'd also want to find the best sleep arrangement for their family, but maybe that's just me. I appreciate that many dads are much more detached and like to leave the "kid stuff" to the "womenfolk".

I sleep in the same room as my 4 year old, my partner co-sleeps with our 18 month old. It's by far the best sleeping arrangement for us. They CAN sleep perfectly well alone - they both go to bed at 7 or 8, we're night owls and don't go to bed until 2 or 3am, and we don't hear a peep out of them (barring illness). They would no doubt continue to sleep undisturbed until morning if we, for example, fell asleep on the couch.

We don't technically "need" to co-sleep with them at this point, other than the fact that we only have two bedrooms and there's not a chance in hell that they would sleep well in the same room. When our youngest is 3 or 4 I'm sure that'll be the arrangement. For now, simple logistics make it impossible.

The reasons we STARTED co-sleeping with our eldest, however, are because the complete opposite of the premise of this thread is often true. She was a very distressed baby. Possibly due to hospital trauma in the week after her birth (in retrospect) but for whatever reason, she would scream constantly if one of us wasn't with her, and for three months we were sleeping in shifts with no idea what to do. Eventually, she went in with my partner and slept like a log. So we sort of stumbled on it due to a lack of options, I suppose. Anyway - she was also a very shy, quiet and nervous toddler right up until around 2 and a half. She simply had a nervous, anxious, introverted and sensitive personality type. "Attachment bollocks" parenting, gentle coaxing, and NEVER, EVER forcing her into anything she wasn't ready for has resulted in an extremely social, extremely confident and very independent 4 year old who chatters to anyone and is already showing strong leadership qualities at school. We were recently talking about someone being shy at her pre-school and she said "...what's "Shy"??". There's no doubt in my mind that we got this right.

Most parent's instinct is to "push" their shy children out of their shyness, to "push" their clingy children to be independent. It doesn't work, ever. It's a terrible, terrible mistake. It's probably what this 13 year old boy's parents did to him until they broke him completely, and now they really ARE stuck with a "damaged kid".

But meh. Whatever. Carry on with your arse-backwards western world Supernanny techniques. TBF I don't really give a stuff about what you do with your kids when you have them.

Ok... this is going to sound mad, but if your kids sleep well, and you have to both creep in at silly oclock you say this is preferable to letting them sleep together in one room and you two in another?

[user104658]

Ok... this is going to sound mad, but if your kids sleep well, and you have to both creep in at silly oclock you say this is preferable to letting them sleep together in one room and you two in another?

Yes. We don't have to creep in or stay up late, to clarify - we just do. Historically, 2am is a pretty early bed time for me, before I had kids I often went to bed at 6 or 7am :joker:.

Anyway - I think much of people's concern is borne of an old fashioned idea that couples "must" sleep in the same bedroom to be... well... couply. Which is clearly nonsense. As it's fairly hard to be couply whilst asleep, in my experience.

I guess what I'm saying is, much as is standard, you're suggesting that we should try to do it differently because we must secretly want to be back in the same room? We're not bothered. There's no reason to mess with something that works.

[user104658]

If it's our sex life you're concerned for (perv! :D ) then basically...

We have a 4.5 year old, we haven't slept in the same room for 4 years. We also have an 18 month old. It's not been a problem :p

[Kizzy]

I have no interest in your sex life thankyou, fine if that's what works for you..

[Apple202]

i used to go to sleep in my bed then end up in my parents like every night until i was about 10 or so lol

[Ninastar]

i dont think it's right... i think kids need to sleep in their own rooms, never mind beds. especially at 13, that's just crazy.

[Apple202]

or maybe it was younger than ten hmm icr

[Kazanne]

13 is far too old imo,we have trouble getting our 3 year old in his bed but we keep trying,we really don't want the kids in the bed,not all night anyway.

[Ammi]

..it's surprising that a 13yr old would want to sleep in a parent's bed...I think it was around 10/11 yrs old when bathroom doors started to get locked and the boys began to be self-conscious of their bodies etc...

[user104658]

..it's surprising that a 13yr old would want to sleep in a parent's bed...I think it was around 10/11 yrs old when bathroom doors started to get locked and the boys began to be self-conscious of their bodies etc...

Well exactly, it's not "normal" and its not just because he's used to it and won't stop, things change as children approach adolescence and it would be normal for them to naturally start to want privacy.

The fact that he hasn't, and especially the wetting + aggression, suggests there's a much deeper issue with this boy than the simple fact that he has been bedsharing. It sounds like he has a serious fear of sleeping alone - and a fear like that isn't borne from "never having slept alone", its much more likely that he HAS slept alone and whilst doing so something has happened that's been traumatic and triggered this fear.

Like any fear really. Most people who are scared of flying for example, it's not because they've never flown. It's because one of the first times they did fly, something happened that terrified them (bad turbulence, scary crosswinds on landing etc).

Like I said, if a young child is scared alone and you just force them to sleep alone anyway, that's not going to solve anything, it's going to make it into a bigger and longer lasting issue.

[joeysteele]

Well exactly, it's not "normal" and its not just because he's used to it and won't stop, things change as children approach adolescence and it would be normal for them to naturally start to want privacy.

The fact that he hasn't, and especially the wetting + aggression, suggests there's a much deeper issue with this boy than the simple fact that he has been bedsharing. It sounds like he has a serious fear of sleeping alone - and a fear like that isn't borne from "never having slept alone", its much more likely that he HAS slept alone and whilst doing so something has happened that's been traumatic and triggered this fear.

Like any fear really. Most people who are scared of flying for example, it's not because they've never flown. It's because one of the first times they did fly, something happened that terrified them (bad turbulence, scary crosswinds on landing etc).

Toy Soldier,I keep saying this but your posts are really incredible.

I agree there seems like there must some likely serious issues with this 13 year old that as you say has them in no way wanting to sleep on their own.
We haven't got the full story behind this and that is why I would not say it is wrong.

You make a great point as to the flying too, I have a Cousin who will not fly because there was some engine trouble when she flew as a teenager,she has never and has stated she will nver, set foot in a plane again.
To gte her home after the flight that scared her, My Aunt and Uncle had to travel overland and bring her back on Eurostar.

Like I said, if a young child is scared alone and you just force them to sleep alone anyway, that's not going to solve anything, it's going to make it into a bigger and longer lasting issue.

The last part quoted separately above this comment of your post makes another really understanding and very strong point too.

[Ammi]

Well exactly, it's not "normal" and its not just because he's used to it and won't stop, things change as children approach adolescence and it would be normal for them to naturally start to want privacy.

The fact that he hasn't, and especially the wetting + aggression, suggests there's a much deeper issue with this boy than the simple fact that he has been bedsharing. It sounds like he has a serious fear of sleeping alone - and a fear like that isn't borne from "never having slept alone", its much more likely that he HAS slept alone and whilst doing so something has happened that's been traumatic and triggered this fear.

Like any fear really. Most people who are scared of flying for example, it's not because they've never flown. It's because one of the first times they did fly, something happened that terrified them (bad turbulence, scary crosswinds on landing etc).

Like I said, if a young child is scared alone and you just force them to sleep alone anyway, that's not going to solve anything, it's going to make it into a bigger and longer lasting issue.


...hmmm, I'm not sure whether there would have definitely been an 'incident' involved, obviously it's a possibility but it's also perfectly 'normal' for children to have fears of the dark/night time etc...'imaginary monsters'...?...but as they sleep in their beds, over time they start to realise that they're safe and those 'monsters' in their heads gradually disappear...if they never have had to sleep alone, then they haven't experienced that security of knowing they're safe other than the feeling that it's their parent/mum's presence that is keeping them safe..?..and as they get older and into adolescence, which is a very confusing time anyway, those fears could just increase so it's hard to dispel the 'monster', and that I think could well lead to real anxiety issues in their lives....

[joeysteele]

Toy Soldier, I haven't a clue what has gone on with the post above I just made above.

Clearly somehow it has got mixed up, I tried to bold your first part of the post, then reply with a comment after that for some reason it has come up with saying you said what I said.
I am confused.
It worked fine on the 2nd part of the post where I put in bold your last comment and then replied but for some reason on the upper one it has gone haywire.
I tried to edit it and sort it out but it won't let me for some reason, maybe a mod can sort it out for me.

Anyway,I agree with your whole post and think you made totally valid points in a
really fair, balanced and understanding post all through.

[arista]

i dont think it's right... i think kids need to sleep in their own rooms, never mind beds. especially at 13, that's just crazy.


Bang On Right
Ninastar

[user104658]

...hmmm, I'm not sure whether there would have definitely been an 'incident' involved, obviously it's a possibility but it's also perfectly 'normal' for children to have fears of the dark/night time etc...'imaginary monsters'...?...but as they sleep in their beds, over time they start to realise that they're safe and those 'monsters' in their heads gradually disappear...if they never have had to sleep alone, then they haven't experienced that security of knowing they're safe other than the feeling that it's their parent/mum's presence that is keeping them safe..?..and as they get older and into adolescence, which is a very confusing time anyway, those fears could just increase so it's hard to dispel the 'monster', and that I think could well lead to real anxiety issues in their lives....

It's easy to make that assumption but the opposite is usually the case - if a child is really, truly scared of monsters at night and his parents continue to put him back into that situation while he's anxious, it becomes a bigger and more serious problem. "Face your fear" doesn't really apply to young children, you have to be very careful as a minor fear can escalate into an ongoing phobia at these developmental stages. Phobias are linked to anxiety and adrenaline responses, in other words, they form when you are afraid, especially when that fear isn't quickly soothed. A serious fear of the dark / fear of being alone is very unlikely to arise from "never having to deal with it", it arises from being told to go back to bed to deal with it... being forced to "learn how to handle it alone".

Children who aren't denied emotional dependancy at a young age generally grow up to become more independent and emotionally secure than those who are "tiger parented" into stoicism. It's counter-intuitive, but it's just a fact of developmental psychology.

Forcing it encourages children to learn how to shut down or swallow emotions and fears - not how to understand them and deal with them rationally.

[user104658]

Toy Soldier, I haven't a clue what has gone on with the post above I just made above.

Clearly somehow it has got mixed up, I tried to bold your first part of the post, then reply with a comment after that for some reason it has come up with saying you said what I said.
I am confused.
It worked fine on the 2nd part of the post where I put in bold your last comment and then replied but for some reason on the upper one it has gone haywire.
I tried to edit it and sort it out but it won't let me for some reason, maybe a mod can sort it out for me.

Anyway,I agree with your whole post and think you made totally valid points in a
really fair, balanced and understanding post all through.

You're making me blush now joeysteele :joker:

[Ammi]

It's easy to make that assumption but the opposite is usually the case - if a child is really, truly scared of monsters at night and his parents continue to put him back into that situation while he's anxious, it becomes a bigger and more serious problem. "Face your fear" doesn't really apply to young children, you have to be very careful as a minor fear can escalate into an ongoing phobia at these developmental stages. Phobias are linked to anxiety and adrenaline responses, in other words, they form when you are afraid, especially when that fear isn't quickly soothed. A serious fear of the dark / fear of being alone is very unlikely to arise from "never having to deal with it", it arises from being told to go back to bed to deal with it... being forced to "learn how to handle it alone".

Children who aren't denied emotional dependancy at a young age generally grow up to become more independent and emotionally secure than those who are "tiger parented" into stoicism. It's counter-intuitive, but it's just a fact of developmental psychology.

Forcing it encourages children to learn how to shut down or swallow emotions and fears - not how to understand them and deal with them rationally.

..no, I agree..'forcing' someone to face their fears and especially children can be very counterproductive but that's not what I meant..sorry if I didn't explain it properly... but usually and what is considered the 'norm' is for much younger children than adolescents to have time to realise that their fears and 'monsters' are imaginary and they can only do that by at some point sleeping on their own and realising that they're completely safe and that's with the guidance of their parents and dependant on the child as well as to how long it takes, it's a gradual process which could be reasonably quick or could take a long time...but if it's left until adolescence then it's going to be a lot harder and could create other anxiety issues as well...but I don't necessarily think there has been an 'incident' which may have caused fears...it is a possibility of course but with my own personal experience...'associations' if it was an association can be a lot more complicated and it might not be directly something that is associated to sleep or night time at all....

[AnnieK]

There's no book on parenting and no hard right and wrongs. You have to do what's right for you and your child. My son doesn't come into my bed unless we are watching a film...if he wants me in the night I go to hm.

[Ammi]

..yeah, I agree Annie, they are completely different..but I would be interested to know in this case ..(of the 13yr old..)..whether the parent has tried to address it or whether it's just been accepted and nothing has been done to understand what the child's fear are...I don't really know much about it...

[Kizzy]

I don't believe that bedtime should be such a traumatic experience,luckily my two enjoyed bedtimes, if you have a 'wind down' from 7ish. Milk and a biscuit, choosing pyjamas, reading a story, snuggling a teddy?
I think a lot of anxiety is projected by parents unnecessarily, personally I feel that kids need peace and quiet to rest correctly and having a parent there will just disturb them.

[Lee.]

Both of my children slept in a Moses basket next to my bed until the night feeds stopped then went into their own cots in their own rooms. I've never encouraged them to sleep in my bed but obviously there's been nights when it's been easier just to let them; bad dreams, illness etc.. I don't see anything wrong with children sleeping with their parents though, it just isn't for me

[Z]

I used to wet the bed every night until I was like 9 years old, my dad had to get up every night in the middle of the night to wake me up and take me to the bathroom so that I learned not to wet myself all the time. Pretty embarrassing now looking back but I had no explanation for it, as far as I know nothing traumatic happened to me in my childhood that would cause such a thing, I just don't have a very strong bladder :laugh: even now as an adult I'm forever needing to pee, always break the seal really early when I'm drinking alcohol etc... Obviously the aggressive behaviour and seemingly being afraid to sleep alone suggests that the boy Jess knows might have had some kind of traumatic incident in his past that means he's afraid to be alone at night but it could just be that's how he is for no real reason. Either way it sounds like he needs help in getting over this - I don't think it's weird per se but he needs to get over this at some point...

[Kizzy]

I used to wet the bed every night until I was like 9 years old, my dad had to get up every night in the middle of the night to wake me up and take me to the bathroom so that I learned not to wet myself all the time. Pretty embarrassing now looking back but I had no explanation for it, as far as I know nothing traumatic happened to me in my childhood that would cause such a thing, I just don't have a very strong bladder :laugh: even now as an adult I'm forever needing to pee, always break the seal really early when I'm drinking alcohol etc... Obviously the aggressive behaviour and seemingly being afraid to sleep alone suggests that the boy Jess knows might have had some kind of traumatic incident in his past that means he's afraid to be alone at night but it could just be that's how he is for no real reason. Either way it sounds like he needs help in getting over this - I don't think it's weird per se but he needs to get over this at some point...


http://commentisfreewatch.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/extra_2010082896270.jpg
Read all about it!! Zees oversharing reaches a new high!! ;)

[user104658]

There's no book on parenting and no hard right and wrongs. You have to do what's right for you and your child. My son doesn't come into my bed unless we are watching a film...if he wants me in the night I go to hm.

Well, there are books on parenting, but unfortunately they're all absolute nonsense :joker:. Mainly because literally every child is different. I'm not saying every family should co-sleep, by any means, if a child is content to be on their own then there's obviously no issue. If a child isn't content then I'm not saying ignore the reasons or dont address them, just that forcing the issue will always just make things worse, it has to be a gentle process. It has to be about getting them to rationalise their fears and genuinely stop being afraid, not to get used to them or shut them off. Sadly, many children don't stop being afraid, they just learn to stop talking about it.

I maybe also wasn't clear that I'm not saying its normal for the 13 year old still to be in with his parent... Obviously there's an issue there. Just saying that the issue clearly runs quite deep and needs properly addressing, it's not caused by the fact that he slept there as a child. Something is stopping him from progressing from that point. I'd even be tempted to suggest he should be assessed for an Autistic Spectrum Disorder, but obviously that's hard to say from one snippet of information.

My own situation is that my four year old has no problems sleeping alone OR with someone there. I've been away overnight multiple times with no issues. She reached that stage with no encouragement at all aged around three. my 18m old isn't quite ready to sleep alone / with her sister yet, and the rest is just logistics.

[Ninastar]

I don't believe that bedtime should be such a traumatic experience,luckily my two enjoyed bedtimes, if you have a 'wind down' from 7ish. Milk and a biscuit, choosing pyjamas, reading a story, snuggling a teddy?
I think a lot of anxiety is projected by parents unnecessarily, personally I feel that kids need peace and quiet to rest correctly and having a parent there will just disturb them.

I actually agree... they need to learn from a young age. its all about routine really. Getting them used to being alone at night (in their rooms) and if they are scared, have a few night lights or something.

i had a few nights where i genuinely was scared, but my mum and dad never let me in their bed and i turned out fine...

Well, maybe then there was a thunderstorm i'd be allowed, but that was reasonable... the thunderstorms in america were terrifying!

[user104658]

I used to wet the bed every night until I was like 9 years old, my dad had to get up every night in the middle of the night to wake me up and take me to the bathroom so that I learned not to wet myself all the time. Pretty embarrassing now looking back but I had no explanation for it, as far as I know nothing traumatic happened to me in my childhood that would cause such a thing, I just don't have a very strong bladder :laugh: even now as an adult I'm forever needing to pee, always break the seal really early when I'm drinking alcohol etc... Obviously the aggressive behaviour and seemingly being afraid to sleep alone suggests that the boy Jess knows might have had some kind of traumatic incident in his past that means he's afraid to be alone at night but it could just be that's how he is for no real reason. Either way it sounds like he needs help in getting over this - I don't think it's weird per se but he needs to get over this at some point...

Bed wetting by itself is an interesting one (if that's the word??) - it's actually a chemical / hormonal thing and not usually a literal "weak bladder". Basically theres a chemical "trigger" that tells your body to wake up if you need to pee and in some people that's absent or takes longer to develop. Possibly useless information but I found it fascinating!

[Kizzy]

Well, there are books on parenting, but unfortunately they're all absolute nonsense :joker:. Mainly because literally every child is different. I'm not saying every family should co-sleep, by any means, if a child is content to be on their own then there's obviously no issue. If a child isn't content then I'm not saying ignore the reasons or dont address them, just that forcing the issue will always just make things worse, it has to be a gentle process. It has to be about getting them to rationalise their fears and genuinely stop being afraid, not to get used to them or shut them off. Sadly, many children don't stop being afraid, they just learn to stop talking about it.

I maybe also wasn't clear that I'm not saying its normal for the 13 year old still to be in with his parent... Obviously there's an issue there. Just saying that the issue clearly runs quite deep and needs properly addressing, it's not caused by the fact that he slept there as a child. Something is stopping him from progressing from that point. I'd even be tempted to suggest he should be assessed for an Autistic Spectrum Disorder, but obviously that's hard to say from one snippet of information.

My own situation is that my four year old has no problems sleeping alone OR with someone there. I've been away overnight multiple times with no issues. She reached that stage with no encouragement at all aged around three. my 18m old isn't quite ready to sleep alone / with her sister yet, and the rest is just logistics.

I'm surprised you think they're nonsense as you actually sound like you've written one haha!
Where does co-sleeping end, and how does it begin? One whingy night wouldn't make me think this child and any subsequent children never want to sleep alone.

[Cherie]

People do what is best for them and that is fine. Everyone is different, my boys 15 and 17 r are both skinny and tall with no muscles but has no problem walking from the shower to the bedroom in their bare ass, no issues with self conciousness at all, a 13 year old wetting the bed and being aggressive does suggest there is more to it, but maybe it is something as simple as being afraid of the dark, the Mum needs to try and find the reason for it, rather than ignoring it.

[Kizzy]

Haha, I bet that's a shock if you happen to be walking past my lad keeps his grundies on just in case :joker:
Just wait TS you might be welcome in their domain now, but in a few years it will be GERRRRROOOOOOUUUUUUTTTT!!!!!!!! *SLAM*

[user104658]

I'm surprised you think they're nonsense as you actually sound like you've written one haha!
Where does co-sleeping end, and how does it begin? One whingy night wouldn't make me think this child and any subsequent children never want to sleep alone.

Well for our first as I said earlier, we had a horrible few months to begin with after issues at the hospital. She was fine but they kept her in with a suspected infection, then accidentally gave her a massive overdose of antibiotics, so her first week of life was a never ending barrage of being poked and prodded with needles, having blood taken from little "cuts" they made in her feet, etc... And they had a habit of turning up to do this while she was asleep. She got very distressed at even being put down for months afterwards, almost certainly due to mild trauma, and we stumbled on co-sleeping because we simply couldn't continue as we were (sleeping in shifts, one always with her downstairs).

Second daughter we basically just did it from the start, she was exclusively breastfed and fed 4 or 5 times a night, and for obvious reasons my partner didn't want to be up and down all night!

As for when it ends... Like I said it could technically be any time now. My 4 year old can sleep alone all night, 18m old sometimes needs convinced to go back to sleep at about 5am but otherwise is alone for a big chunk of the night. If we had 3 rooms it would all be down to choice. As it is, if the 18m old woke the 4 year old at 5am, the 4 year old would want to get up to "play" then be exhausted and miserable by 2pm! Would be a disaster really, and we're all happy as we are for now so there's no reason to mess with what works. I have no worries because as I say, they're both confident / able enough to sleep alone. As it stands I'm thinking / hoping they'll enjoy sharing a room when the littlest is 3+... The eldest likes the idea in theory already. Not sure she'll be so impressed when she's 6 stuck with her 3 year old little sister though :joker:.

That said, I apparently used to snore like a warthog in my partners ear at night so she says she doesnt even want me back! In jest. Maybe. Haha.

[user104658]

Oh as for books... I do have a psychology degree and have done a lot of child developmental psychology (and we ran a parenting forum for 4 years... Not something I recommend anyone does. Ever. It's a minefield!). I think there are plenty of good booked on understanding child psychology and how they're different to / the same as adults but that's all in general and every child is genuinely different. My two are complete polar opposites. The youngest is so laid back she's usually literally horizontal, rolling about the floor in food like a piggy... The eldest is very particular and a neat freak!

The "patenting books" that are utter trash are the one-size-fits-all rags like Supernanny (and worse) that treat kids like a problem to be solved, or a robot with an instruction manual. It's just money making trash. It's like me saying my kids co-sleep so all kids should... When I know many other kids who like / need their space at night and always have. A friend of ours had a baby recently and couldn't get him to sleep, ended up giving up in frustration and leaving the room and he was out like a light. Turns out he just won't sleep UNLESS he's alone. There's definitely not one answer, except that the answer is to know / listen to each child and go with what's best for them.

[Kizzy]

Ah well I can well understand where the fear came from! poor lass I'm so glad she's happy and settled now :)
They're funny little things arn't they? my lad was the same, after storytime I was 'dismissed' too :laugh:

[sassysocks]

That's sick 13? seriously?... I'm sorry but that to me is so far removed from normal adolescent behaviour!
Even Oedipus would have thought that weird :laugh:
Nursing mothers yes, even though many think its dangerous in case you fall asleep and roll on them.
Very occasionally if very upset/scared but other than that no.

There could be several reasons why he likes sleeping in his mother's bed, maybe the bed is simply more comfortable or her room is warmer, or just a chance to be close to her if she is a busy mum, boys tend to like cuddles with their mum more than girls, when they are young.

To label it as sick and abnormal is far more of an issue as far as I am concerned, just creating a problem where there isn't one and giving kids complexes and making mothers fearful of being close to their sons for fear of it being labelled as something else in this horrible, paranoid modern world of ours.