Cheating

[Niamh.]

A comment posted in defense of a cheater gave me the inspiration for this thread. Is it ever ok for you to cheat on your partner? Or should the person that's been cheated on ever have to shoulder the blame?

[Ammi]

..hmm, I guess it's complicated when you don't know a relationship but even if the person cheated on was awful... I think the right thing is to end a marriage first and not cheat ..leave your partner, you don't have to cheat to do that...

[Cherie]

Depends if someone is a seriel cheater and can't keep their knickers/pants on while their long suffering partner is at home then no, but sometimes people have an affair as a one off due to going through a rough patch which their partner won't acknowledge or feeling neglected , then the other person has to shoulder some of the blame for not being supportive and helping each other through the rough times.

[Josy]

It's never ok, no matter what.

[Niamh.]

Depends if someone is a seriel cheater and can't keep their knickers/pants on while their long suffering partner is at home then no, but sometimes people have an affair as a one off due to going through a rough patch which their partner won't acknowledge or feeling neglected , then the other person has to shoulder some of the blame for not being supportive and helping each other through the rough times.

I still don't think that's an excuse to cheat. If you're not feeling supported by your partner and they refuse to acknowledge problems you're having then leave, cheating is surely just making those problems worse for a marriage/relationship

[Loukas]

It's never ok, no matter what.

this. I've been cheated on by my first love/my best friend for years. The pain i went through i wouldn't wish on an enemy.

[Cherie]

..hmm, I guess it's complicated when you don't know a relationship but even if the person cheated on was awful... I think the right thing is to end a marriage first and not cheat ..leave your partner, you don't have to cheat to do that...

I don't agree Ammi, people can make mistakes, and sometimes an affair can just happen without warning, boozy night out, or weekend away with the office crowd or whatever.

[Ammi]

Depends if someone is a seriel cheater and can't keep their knickers/pants on while their long suffering partner is at home then no, but sometimes people have an affair as a one off due to going through a rough patch which their partner won't acknowledge or feeling neglected , then the other person has to shoulder some of the blame for not being supportive and helping each other through the rough times.

..what if both partners are going through a 'rough time' though Cherie..it still doesn't justify cheating ....people who go through rough times don't cheat, 'cheaters' cheat...

[Livia]

If the person who did the cheating was truly contrite, and it was just sex and not love, a strong relationship would get past it. I'm talking about marriage or long-term relationships. If it was someone I was dating I'd dump him so fast his head would spin.

[Ammi]

I don't agree Ammi, people can make mistakes, and sometimes an affair can just happen without warning, boozy night out, or weekend away with the office crowd or whatever.

...I don't think it can 'just happen' though Cherie, I think someone has to be open to the possibility of it happening in the first place, whether it be a night out or not...

[Cherie]

I still don't think that's an excuse to cheat. If you're not feeling supported by your partner and they refuse to acknowledge problems you're having then leave, cheating is surely just making those problems worse for a marriage/relationship

It depends though because alot of marriages will go through a rough patchs and it can be at a time when one of the partners is under pressure at work or something and just doesn't realise how lonely or unsupported their partner is, and basically stop communicating, some marriages do come out the other side stronger than ever after a blip.

[arista]

Depends if someone is a seriel cheater and can't keep their knickers/pants on while their long suffering partner is at home then no, but sometimes people have an affair as a one off due to going through a rough patch which their partner won't acknowledge or feeling neglected , then the other person has to shoulder some of the blame for not being supportive and helping each other through the rough times.



Yes they are a major problem


http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hxDZ0dTWxas/Trl7f6XKbgI/AAAAAAAAB_8/DdSx_Bjiqsg/s1600/Cheaters%2BF.jpg

[Cherie]

..what if both partners are going through a 'rough time' though Cherie..it still doesn't justify cheating ....people who go through rough times don't cheat, 'cheaters' cheat...

That's a bit too black and white for me Ammi, I see the grey areas :laugh:

[Drew.]

Completely against it whatever the situation is.. would leave someone straight away if i found out they cheated.

[Cherie]

Completely against it whatever the situation is.. would leave someone straight away if i found out they cheated.

But in a situation where you loved the person, and had a long history together and maybe kids its not quite so easy to walk away.

[Ammi]

It depends though because alot of marriages will go through a rough patchs and it can be at a time when one of the partners is under pressure at work or something and just doesn't realise how lonely or unsupported their partner is, and basically stop communicating, some marriages do come out the other side stronger than ever after a blip.

...hmmm, but then most cheating could be justified though because I'm sure there are always 'reasons' for it...I had a friend who was pregnant and she had a really difficult pregnancy so maybe she didn't have the hugs etc for her partner as she did before but she couldn't help that, it was a time to be understanding of that but she found out that her husband had cheated on her..very much like you're describing, that he felt a bit less loved and someone else obviously filled that gap...so maybe he was right and justified..?..I just don't think it can be excused because every 'cheater' would probably think that their excuse was acceptable and ok....and it's something that has effected my friend's life and confidence long term, whereas he's not effected at all by it...

[Drew.]

But in a situation where you loved the person, and had a long history together and maybe kids its not quite so easy to walk away.

Depends on the age of the kids really.. Would be hard to do if they were young but for teenagers/grown up kids i'm sure quite a few of them would be happy to see the back of the parent that cheated so it changes things.

[Ammi]

That's a bit too black and white for me Ammi, I see the grey areas :laugh:


..it is black and white though Cherie, it's not that I don't understand the 'grey' areas of relationships but they don't lead to cheating, someone has to be open to feeling something for someone else for that to happen...

[Cherie]

...hmmm, but then most cheating could be justified though because I'm sure there are always 'reasons' for it...I had a friend who was pregnant and she had a really difficult pregnancy so maybe she didn't have the hugs etc for her partner as she did before but she couldn't help that, it was a time to be understanding of that but she found out that her husband had cheated on her..very much like you're describing, that he felt a bit less loved and someone else obviously filled that gap...so maybe he was right and justified..?..I just don't think it can be excused because every 'cheater' would probably think that their excuse was acceptable and ok....and it's something that has effected my friend's life and confidence long term, whereas he's not effected at all by it...

That is not what I meant at all Ammi when I spoke about a partner feeling neglected, that sounds like he was selfish and just needed sex, nothing to do with him needing support that is a whole different conversation!!!

[Niamh.]

I don't agree Ammi, people can make mistakes, and sometimes an affair can just happen without warning, boozy night out, or weekend away with the office crowd or whatever.

If the person who did the cheating was truly contrite, and it was just sex and not love, a strong relationship would get past it. I'm talking about marriage or long-term relationships. If it was someone I was dating I'd dump him so fast his head would spin.

I'm not saying that a marriage can't ever get passed someone cheating, but I don't think it's ever the person who was cheated ons fault

[Nedusa]

Once a cheater..........always a cheater

[Brother Leon]

If the partner is a piece of **** or aggressive/abusive then I would understand..otherwise I don't. I've been cheated on twice though so I am probably biased. Suppose I'm too "Over nice".

[Ammi]

That is not what I meant at all Ammi when I spoke about a partner feeling neglected, that sounds like he was selfish and just needed sex, nothing to do with him needing support that is a whole different conversation!!!

..hmmm, I don't think it is another conversation though Cherie, it's only the person who has cheated who has defined what they see as support or lack of it etc..like they had problems at work etc..?..that only explains why they may feel low in someway, which happens to most people if not everyone at times...it doesn't justify or excuse cheating on their partner...

[Marsh.]

No. I don't think it's right to blame the person being cheated on.

If the cheater is not happy in their relationship then get some dignity and end the relationship before pursuing a new one.

[Ammi]

If the partner is a piece of **** or aggressive/abusive then I would understand..otherwise I don't. I've been cheated on twice though so I am probably biased. Suppose I'm too "Over nice".

..if they were aggressive or abusive would they not leave them though rather than cheat...

[Ammi]

No. I don't think it's right to blame the person being cheated on.

If the cheater is not happy in their relationship then get some dignity and end the relationship before pursuing a new one.

..for me, this is actually it exactly...

[Marsh.]

Yeah, I could just about understand a one off mistake depending on the circumstances, but a continuous affair or serial cheater is unforgivable.

[Cherie]

..hmmm, I don't think it is another conversation though Cherie, it's only the person who has cheated who has defined what they see as support or lack of it etc..like they had problems at work etc..?..that only explains why they may feel low in someway, which happens to most people if not everyone at times...it doesn't justify or excuse cheating on their partner...

But what your friends husband did was out of feeling physically neglected, but given she was pregnant his actions were totally selfish as she couldn't fulfil his needs at that time due to her pregnancy problems, they pregnancy wasn't going to last forever but he went ahead anyway. Anyway this is one of the grey areas I am talking about in this circumstance the cheater was 100% to blame.

[Brother Leon]

..if they were aggressive or abusive would they not leave them though rather than cheat...

You would think so, but sometimes they might be too scared to do so perhaps.

[Cherie]

Yeah, I could just about understand a one off mistake depending on the circumstances, but a continuous affair or serial cheater is unforgivable.


.

Wise words Marsh.

[Jessica.]

It's never ok, no matter what.

I agree.

[Niamh.]

.

Wise words Marsh.

That's not the question I asked though, the question is should the person cheated on deserve some of the blame not whether they could get passed it or not

[Marsh.]

Then no.

Unless they are abusing their partner and being extremely difficult in which case I would ask why, if they're too scared/intimidated to leave, how are they comfortable enough to have an affair and risk more wrath?

[Ammi]

But what your friends husband did was out of feeling physically neglected, but given she was pregnant his actions were totally selfish as she couldn't fulfil his needs at that time due to her pregnancy problems, they pregnancy wasn't going to last forever but he went ahead anyway. Anyway this is one of the grey areas I am talking about in this circumstance the cheater was 100% to blame.


..I think we'll have to agree to disagree Cherie..:fist:..:laugh:..the cheater is always to blame for cheating, it really is that black and white to me...they may not share all the responsibility in any difficulties in a relationship and I do understand that, that's the bit that is 'grey'.. but they're the only ones responsible and to blame for their actions in how they handled those problems...

[Ammi]

You would think so, but sometimes they might be too scared to do so perhaps.


..hmmm, but if a partner was being aggressive then surely cheating on them would risk them finding out and lead to more aggression/worse....

[Cherie]

That's not the question I asked though, the question is should the person cheated on deserve some of the blame not whether they could get passed it or not

I do believe in some cases the cheatee has to shoulder the blame :laugh:

[Natalie.]

I don't think it is ever ok to cheat on someone and I don't see how it ever could be. In my eyes the cheater is the one to blame not the person who is being cheated on.

[Cherie]

..I think we'll have to agree to disagree Cherie..:fist:..:laugh:..the cheater is always to blame for cheating, it really is that black and white to me...they may not share all the responsibility in any difficulties in a relationship and I do understand that, that's the bit that is 'grey'.. but they're the only ones responsible and to blame for their actions in how they handled those problems...

:fist:

[Niamh.]

..I think we'll have to agree to disagree Cherie..:fist:..:laugh:..the cheater is always to blame for cheating, it really is that black and white to me...they may not share all the responsibility in any difficulties in a relationship and I do understand that, that's the bit that is 'grey'.. but they're the only ones responsible and to blame for their actions in how they handled those problems...

Exactly.

[Niamh.]

I do believe in some cases the cheatee has to shoulder the blame :laugh:

Cheatee lol

[Tom4784]

If someone is going to cheat than they are obviously not happy. They should be brave enough to either try and fix their relationship or end it and move on. There is no point in remaining in an unhappy relationship. Trying to have it both ways is cowardly.

[Ammi]

I do believe in some cases the cheatee has to shoulder the blame :laugh:

..is the cheatee the partner do you mean..?...yeah I do believe when a relationship has difficulties then both partners need to address that because the 'fault' often lies with both and maybe it's something that can be worked on or maybe not but it still doesn't justify cheating though..they separate and then they're open to a new relationship....I'm not finished with you yet Cherie..:fist:...:laugh:....

[Ammi]

If someone is going to cheat than they are obviously not happy. They should be brave enough to either try and fix their relationship or end it and move on. There is no point in remaining in an unhappy relationship. Trying to have it both ways is cowardly.

..but this is exactly it, thank you Dezzy...

[Livia]

If cheating somehow inadvertently kick-starts the "I'm not happy" discussion, and forgiveness and reconciliation follows, isn't it a mistake to think that everyone who cheats should leave the relationship? Some people go through a patch like that, both sides understand that it was stupid and a mistake and move on with their relationship.

Edit... kind of what Dezzy said. Soz... I didn't read yours till I posted this.

[Marsh.]

If cheating somehow inadvertently kick-starts the "I'm not happy" discussion, and forgiveness and reconciliation follows, isn't it a mistake to think that everyone who cheats should leave the relationship? Some people go through a patch like that, both sides understand that it was stupid and a mistake and move on with their relationship.

Edit... kind of what Dezzy said. Soz... I didn't read yours till I posted this.

Well they should have the balls to kick start the "I'm not happy" discussion before jumping into someone else's bed. That's just cowardly.

One person leaving, saying they are no longer happy will surely bring everything up a lot sooner and then if they wanted to could then move onto discussion, forgiveness and reconciliation.

[Niamh.]

Yeah exactly....or maybe even say, I almost cheated on you, we need to sort this out or split up because I'm better than that, I will not become a cheater :idc:

[Livia]

Well they should have the balls to kick start the "I'm not happy" discussion before jumping into someone else's bed. That's just cowardly.

One person leaving, saying they are no longer happy will surely bring everything up a lot sooner and then if they wanted to could then move onto discussion, forgiveness and reconciliation.

In a perfect work, with perfect humans.... only humans aren't perfect and if they think they can get away with something, they probably will go for it. People will always cheat. It's the way we're made.

Anyhoo, none of us can make massive judgements about what other couples will do. Every single case is different and down to the individual.

[Nedusa]

Regardless of how strong or how close your relationship is, if your partner admitted they had cheated on you for whatever reason, the relationship as it stands is over.

You may continue the relationship with that person but the trust has gone forever and the relationship has changed from that point on.

And as trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship once that has gone then what's left will be poorer for it's loss.

So yes relationships can survive one partner cheating, but the depth and strength of that union is forever weakened by the infidelity.

[Marsh.]

In a perfect work, with perfect humans.... only humans aren't perfect and if they think they can get away with something, they probably will go for it. People will always cheat. It's the way we're made.

Of course it's not perfect. People cheat, they think they can get away with it. Precisely right.

BUT, we're talking about them excusing their behaviour through blaming their partner/relationship not people who cheat because it's the way they're made.

Cheating for cheating's sake is black and white, bin them. :laugh:

[Niamh.]

In a perfect work, with perfect humans.... only humans aren't perfect and if they think they can get away with something, they probably will go for it. People will always cheat. It's the way we're made.

That's a cynical kind of an attitude :nono: I would never cheat on Gav because I would know and I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye

[Livia]

That's a cynical kind of an attitude :nono: I would never cheat on Gav because I would know and I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye

Not everyone is the same, but you know, lots and lots of people cheat. If something's laid out of a plate, and you [not you per se] think that their partner won't get to find out about it, lots of people would take that opportunity. I'm cynical because humans are... human.

[Niamh.]

Not everyone is the same, but you know, lots and lots of people cheat. If something's laid out of a plate, and you [not you per se] think that their partner won't get to find out about it, lots of people would take that opportunity. I'm cynical because humans are... human.

Lots of people wouldn't though as well.

[Livia]

Of course it's not perfect. People cheat, they think they can get away with it. Precisely right.

BUT, we're talking about them excusing their behaviour through blaming their partner/relationship not people who cheat because it's the way they're made.

Cheating for cheating's sake is black and white, bin them. :laugh:

For the record, I don't think it's ever right of acceptable for the person being unfaithful to lay the blame for their infidelity at the feel of the person being cheated on. That's just a cop out.

[Livia]

Lots of people wouldn't though as well.

True. lots and lots of people. But some do... and some get caught. And some never do.

[Vicky.]

I would say its always the fault of the person cheating.

However its not always as black and white as just leaving your partner. Also feel theres a huge difference between a one off and a full on affair. A one off I could personally forgive pretty easily...an affair not so much.

[Livia]

I feel the same way Vicky. I could forgive a fling that was just sex... but if they had feelings for the other person that's be quite different.

[Niamh.]

I would say its always the fault of the person cheating.

However its not always as black and white as just leaving your partner. Also feel theres a huge difference between a one off and a full on affair. A one off I could personally forgive pretty easily...an affair not so much.

Well, with the affair, you have the lying to your face and sneaking around to add to just the actual cheating, don't you?


lol, this was a bit weird, Gav just rang me and our conversation was :

Gav : Did you cheat?
Me : Yeah
Gav : Me too
Me : ah that's ok then, i don't feel so bad


he was talking about what I ate for lunch lol

[Vicky.]

Well, with the affair, you have the lying to your face and sneaking around to add to just the actual cheating, don't you?



Yeah..plus the knowing it wasn't just a weak moment too.

[Livia]

Well, with the affair, you have the lying to your face and sneaking around to add to just the actual cheating, don't you?


lol, this was a bit weird, Gav just rang me and our conversation was :

Gav : Did you cheat?
Me : Yeah
Gav : Me too
Me : ah that's ok then, i don't feel so bad


he was talking about what I ate for lunch lol

Are you sure?



Oh I'm kidding, honestly I am xxxxxx

[Kazanne]

..is the cheatee the partner do you mean..?...yeah I do believe when a relationship has difficulties then both partners need to address that because the 'fault' often lies with both and maybe it's something that can be worked on or maybe not but it still doesn't justify cheating though..they separate and then they're open to a new relationship....I'm not finished with you yet Cherie..:fist:...:laugh:....

That's what I was trying to say,you cannot just blame one person,yes it's wrong to cheat,but I was looking at the REASON.

[Marsh.]

There's not always a reason other than they have the horn for someone else.

[Mystic Mock]

The only time I think cheating is okay is if the other person did it first, in other instances though I don't agree with it.

[Crimson Dynamo]

I would imagine there are a large percentage of relationships that just dont find out

happens all the time

[Niamh.]

Are you sure?



Oh I'm kidding, honestly I am xxxxxx

:fist:

[Kazanne]

There's not always a reason other than they have the horn for someone else.

randy gits is also a reason :hugesmile:

[Niamh.]

Yeah..plus the knowing it wasn't just a weak moment too.

Yeah exactly

[Marsh.]

The only time I think cheating is okay is if the other person did it first, in other instances though I don't agree with it.

:joker:

[Marsh.]

randy gits is also a reason :hugesmile:

But not an excusable one. :laugh:

[Mystic Mock]

:joker:

Yeah pretend to forgive them and then cheat on them.

Yep I'm probably being really evil at the minute.:joker:

[Ammi]

That's what I was trying to say,you cannot just blame one person,yes it's wrong to cheat,but I was looking at the REASON.

..no you can't necessarily lay blame on one person for an unhappy marriage or any difficulties in the marriage, that's something two people have to address...but you can lay blame on one person for choosing to cheat....there are reasons for unhappy marriages, there are no reasons for cheating....there are only excuses...

[Crimson Dynamo]

and of course there is emotional cheating...

[Kazanne]

But not an excusable one. :laugh:

:shocked:

[Marsh.]

:shocked:

:smug:

[arista]

randy gits is also a reason :hugesmile:


And Randy Women


I mean she bent down in Front of Me
at work.

[Crimson Dynamo]

And Randy Women


I mean she bent down in Front of Me
at work.

:laugh2:

That is no excuse to impale her like a kebab, she may have seen a pound coin?

[Kazanne]

:laugh2:

That is no excuse to impale her like a kebab, she may have seen a pound coin?

:joker::joker:

[Lostie!]

I don't think there's any excuse, personally. Want to get with someone else? End things with your current partner first.

I know that in many cases, the cheater is the victim of a bad relationship, etc, but I still don't think that excuses embarking on a relationship with someone else without ending your current one.

[smudgie]

Too many different scenarios for cheating to be black and white.

I do believe if you truly love someone you won't look elsewhere for your kicks.
Such a lot of marriages that are not really happy or no true love exists between them though.

I don't consider it cheating if you have not committed to someone either:devil:
Just flighty.

[arista]

:laugh2:

That is no excuse to impale her like a kebab, she may have seen a pound coin?


She Had No Knickers On

I had to run

[Cherie]

Too many different scenarios for cheating to be black and white.

I do believe if you truly love someone you won't look elsewhere for your kicks.
Such a lot of marriages that are not really happy or no true love exists between them though.

I don't consider it cheating if you have not committed to someone either:devil:
Just flighty.



Classic :laugh:

[Firewire]

there is no excuse for cheating and if i was in a relationship and i found out they cheated, i would be throwing their clothes out of the window and changing the locks

[Kizzy]

I've seen both sides,cheated, been cheated on, had friends break up over it and had a friend where it was the best thing that ever happened to them. They were about to split then it happened and they both rediscovered really intense feelings for one another, ended up married two yrs later :)

[Ninastar]

i hate it, but i could understand it if was an abusive relationship or something like that.

no excuses really.