A new jokes thread to cheer up mock

[kirklancaster]

Mock seems to be on a 'downer' lately, so I suggest another 'Joke Thread' to lift that spirit.


What does The Starship Enterprise and Andrex toilet paper have in common:

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons

[jennyjuniper]

Mock seems to be on a 'downer' lately, so I suggest another 'Joke Thread' to lift that spirit.


What does The Starship Enterprise and Andrex toilet paper have in common:

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons

Good one Kirk. It's not just Mock that needs cheering up:laugh: It's a bit early in the day, but I'll try to add to this post later.

[Mystic Mock]

Haha a good post Kirk, and thanks for the thread.:dance:

What does Ed Milliband and David Cameron have in common? They're both incompetent.

[kirklancaster]

Haha a good post Kirk, and thanks for the thread.:dance:

What does Ed Milliband and David Cameron have in common? They're both incompetent.

:laugh: More like my old Mock.

[Vanessa]

:joker:

[kirklancaster]

Kyle: "Can I buy you a drink"?
Girl: "Sorry, but I've had my limit for tonight. If I drink too much alcohol it's bad for my legs".
Kyle: "Why does it make them swell?
Girl: "No. It makes them spread."

[Kyle]

Kyle: "Can I buy you a drink"?
Girl: "Sorry, but I've had my limit for tonight. If I drink too much alcohol it's bad for my legs".
Kyle: "Why does it make them swell?
Girl: "No. It makes them spread."

:joker: if only



Kirk is in his prayer chamber talking to God.

"God, how long is a million years?"

God answers,

"To me my boy, it's about a minute."

"God, how much is a million dollars?"

"To me lad, it's a penny."

Kirk strokes his chin for a second

"God, may I have a penny?"

........

........

"Wait a minute."

[kirklancaster]

:joker: if only



Kirk is in his prayer chamber talking to God.

"God, how long is a million years?"

God answers,

"To me my boy, it's about a minute."

"God, how much is a million dollars?"

"To me lad, it's a penny."

Kirk strokes his chin for a second

"God, may I have a penny?"

........

........

"Wait a minute."

:laugh: More.

[Crimson Dynamo]

Why did humpty dumpy push his girlfriend off the wall?

He wanted to see her crack

[Mystic Mock]

What does Aston Villa and myself have in common? We both can't score.

What was seen as a big trait for Jimmy Saville? He liked to kid around.

What organ do some people live in the UK? Liverpool.

[kirklancaster]

Why did humpty dumpy push his girlfriend off the wall?

He wanted to see her crack

:joker::joker::joker: A great yoke... I mean Joke.

[kirklancaster]

What does Aston Villa and myself have in common? We both can't score.

What was seen as a big trait for Jimmy Saville? He liked to kid around.

What organ do some people live in the UK? Liverpool.

:joker: More Mock.

[Mystic Mock]

What do people say about people giving cheek? Just insert it inbetween.

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

http://i.minus.com/ir6Dba1hkaXWK.gif

[Mystic Mock]

What does Phil Collins and The Bible have in common? They both was apart of Genesis.

[Kazanne]

Kid pushing a wheelbarrow asked his dad "Is it true God is everywhere dad" dad replies" Yes,son,God is everywhere",kid says "Well I wish he'de get out of this barrow it's bloody heavy":hehe:

[Kazanne]

Why did humpty dumpy push his girlfriend off the wall?

He wanted to see her crack

:joker::joker:

[Mystic Mock]

Kid pushing a wheelbarrow asked his dad "Is it true God is everywhere dad" dad replies" Yes,son,God is everywhere",kid says "Well I wish he'de get out of this barrow it's bloody heavy":hehe:

:joker:

[kirklancaster]

Kid pushing a wheelbarrow asked his dad "Is it true God is everywhere dad" dad replies" Yes,son,God is everywhere",kid says "Well I wish he'de get out of this barrow it's bloody heavy":hehe:

:laugh:

[kirklancaster]

Little Billy walks in on his parents as they're having sex in the missionary position. Mum is really embarrassed and says:

"It's OK Billy, Daddy's just pumping me back up a bit, I'm a little bit deflated this morning".

Billy replies:

"Woah, you must have a serious puncture Mam, I heard Mr Collins from next door pumping you up for most of the night while Dad was at work."

[Mystic Mock]

Little Billy walks in on his parents as they're having sex in the missionary position. Mum is really embarrassed and says:

"It's OK Billy, Daddy's just pumping me back up a bit, I'm a little bit deflated this morning".

Billy replies:

"Woah, you must have a serious puncture Mam, I heard Mr Collins from next door pumping you up for most of the night while Dad was at work."

:joker:

[Kyle]

Why did Mock cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken

[Vanessa]

I love this thread. It's cheering me up so much! :joker:

[Crimson Dynamo]

My wife asked me what my plans are for Easter?




I said: The same as Jesus', disappear Friday, show up Monday.

[Crimson Dynamo]

I was horrified to hear during the leaders debate Nigel Farage quoting the number of foreigners coming here to be treated for HIV.



Bloody foreigners coming here taking our jabs.

[kirklancaster]

Why did Mock cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken

:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:

[kirklancaster]

My wife asked me what my plans are for Easter?




I said: The same as Jesus', disappear Friday, show up Monday.

:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2: (I'll add this one to my jokes repertoire. :hehe:)

[Mystic Mock]

Why did Mock cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken

:joker:

Why did Kyle follow Cartman around? Because he wanted his Butters.

What was Final Fantasy's type of blood when it was tested in the Hospital? Type-O.

[jennyjuniper]

Sorry it's another 'blonde' joke.
Did you hear about the blonde who:

Took an hour to cook minute rice.
Got into a taxi and the driver kept the vacant sign up.
Thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates.
After watching ballerinas, wondered why they just didn't get taller girls.

A blonde woman was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note.
'I have kidnapped your son. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave 10,000 dollars in a brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM. Signed The Blonde.
She pinned the note to the little boys jacket and told him to go home.
The next morning she returned to the park to find the 10,000 dollars in a bag behind the big oak tree. Inside the bag with the cash was a note.
It said 'Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another.

[GypsyGoth]

:laugh2: @ the kidnap one.

[kirklancaster]

Sorry it's another 'blonde' joke.
Did you hear about the blonde who:

Took an hour to cook minute rice.
Got into a taxi and the driver kept the vacant sign up.
Thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates.
After watching ballerinas, wondered why they just didn't get taller girls.

A blonde woman was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note.
'I have kidnapped your son. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave 10,000 dollars in a brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM. Signed The Blonde.
She pinned the note to the little boys jacket and told him to go home.
The next morning she returned to the park to find the 10,000 dollars in a bag behind the big oak tree. Inside the bag with the cash was a note.
It said 'Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another.

:joker::joker::joker: Hilarious.

[Mystic Mock]

Sorry it's another 'blonde' joke.
Did you hear about the blonde who:

Took an hour to cook minute rice.
Got into a taxi and the driver kept the vacant sign up.
Thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates.
After watching ballerinas, wondered why they just didn't get taller girls.

A blonde woman was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note.
'I have kidnapped your son. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave 10,000 dollars in a brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM. Signed The Blonde.
She pinned the note to the little boys jacket and told him to go home.
The next morning she returned to the park to find the 10,000 dollars in a bag behind the big oak tree. Inside the bag with the cash was a note.
It said 'Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another.

:joker:

[Babayaro.]

BB15

[Alf]

A man goes to the chippy and buys fish and chips. He takes them away and 2 minutes later he comes back and says to the person serving "Hey missus, has this fish been cooked?" The server replies "yes, why?" So the man says "because it's just eaten my chips"

[Alf]

Love this one from Bernard.


SAVRFy3iS5A

[Alf]

A man goes to the chippy and buys fish and chips. He takes them away and 2 minutes later he comes back and says to the person serving "Hey missus, has this fish been cooked?" The server replies "yes, why?" So the man says "because it's just eaten my chips"Reading this back, it doesn't sound as funny as when I heard it told. I suppose Bernard Manning just had a gift for telling jokes.

[arista]

Love this one from Bernard.


SAVRFy3iS5A



He was a Crude One

[Alf]

He was a Crude OneDid you laugh at that joke Arista?

I was hurting with laughter.

[Mystic Mock]

I used to love this thread.:joker:

I'm a bit embarrassed by my Jimmy Saville joke, but Kirklancaster had created a great thread here.

Good job reviving it Alf.:)

Now onto the joke.

Why are Birmingham City so afraid of attacking? Because we might score.:omgno:

[Crimson Dynamo]

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street and said ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘alright, but we’re not going to get much done!

[Livia]

I saw a busker on the Underground who'd taught his dog to play the trumpet. He said he went from barking to tooting in less than an hour.

[Crimson Dynamo]

I saw a busker on the Underground who'd taught his dog to play the trumpet. He said he went from barking to tooting in less than an hour.

:joker:

[Alf]

Westminster has just finished voting on conjunctivitis and the results are in, the eyes have it.

[Mystic Mock]

Westminster has just finished voting on conjunctivitis and the results are in, the eyes have it.

Good one.:joker:

The Walking Dead is finishing in Season 11, a fan asks Angela Kang what direction is the storyline going to take for the final Season, Angela Kang asks "what's a storyline?"

You might get it more if you've seen any episodes of TWD.

[Crimson Dynamo]

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

[Beso]

I saw a busker on the Underground who'd taught his dog to play the trumpet. He said he went from barking to tooting in less than an hour.

:joker:

[Bollo]

So there is a fancy dress house party and the theme is 'Emotions'.
The doorbell rings and the host answers the door to see two of his mates completely stark naked...one has got his knob inserted into a pear and the other has his knob dangling into a bowl of custard... so the host, completey shocked says...'Well what are you two supposed to be?'
One says 'Well I'm deep in despair' and the other one says 'And I'm F*!*!n' disgusted'...

[Alf]

The legendary Dave Allen


QLhXVswy9-8

[Alf]

I have a friend in America whose parents voted for Joe Biden. He's so pi55ed off with them that he's never gonna visit their graves again.

[Crimson Dynamo]

I have a friend in America whose parents voted for Joe Biden. He's so pi55ed off with them that he's never gonna visit their graves again.

:laugh2:

[Beso]

"Fred, Velma & Shaggy, can u name 1 of Africa’s big 5 animals?”

“Rhino!
“I know you do Scooby, but it’s not your teams turn!”