ThisisBigBrother.com - UK TV Forums - My Song (opinions appreciated)

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My Song (opinions appreciated)

I wasnt sure if this should have been in creative writing or not, so i put it here in musc. Anyway here goes:

Tremors

[electric guitar / electro-pop intro]

You abused my trust.
You are known for your lust.
I should have expected less,
to try avoid this mess.
I should have known better,
but im not gonna letcha
be the epicentre
of this catastrophe

[music build up]

*You make me tremor
but i cannot remember
was it my birthday, or mabe december?
Coz i wont protect you, If all i hear from you is;
Lies, Lies Lies; that i see in your eyes*

Permission denied, dont need you by my side,
so dont come come dare crawling back,
after all the times you lied
but i still cannot believe;
you stole from my heart

[music solo, followed by build up]

**You make me tremor
but i cannot remember
was it my birthday, or mabe december?
Coz i wont protect you, If all i hear from you is;
Lies, Lies Lies...
You make me tremor
but i cannot remember
was it in April or mabe november?
Coz i wont protect you, If all i hear from you is;
Lies, Lies Lies; that i see in your eyes**

[slow vocal] She took my soul and carved her three initials out,
Ohhhh, she didnt mess about,
She didnt take her time she was quick to
sew her name to mine;
[build up=] Just to rip it out, rip it out, rip it out
Oh rip it out!

**You make me tremor
but i cannot remember
was it my birthday, or mabe december?
Coz i wont protect you, If all i hear from you is;
Lies, Lies Lies...
You make me tremor
but i cannot remember
was it in April or mabe november?
Coz i wont protect you, If all i hear from you is;
Lies, Lies Lies; that i see in your eyes**

[snap out]

What do you think ?

I like :]
The 'Rip It Out' bit makes me think of the 'Give It Up' bit in 'Red Light District' by Porcelain And The Tramps.

Wow, you're very good at writing lyrics. :)

Thank you Deirdre :hug:

omg its well good. but the beat/melody i imagine in my head is probably alot worse than yours

Thanks everyone so far :)
If anyone wants to suggest an alteration in the lyrics feel free.

Quote:

Originally posted by Hugo
It's ****.

Yeah, thanks for that.

It's good, I love the lyrics :love:

i like it, but I think you focus far too heavily on having everything rhyme.

Do you want the honest truth?

It seems like one of those songs that I personally wouldn't like, but I would be shocked as to why everyone else in the world likes it, a bit like the Veronicas.

Lyrics are good, but I can't get the right rhythm due to it just being words, but in my head it sounds good.

Quote:

Originally posted by Hugo
It's ****.

I can't really judge it properly since lyrics are always flat without music. The lyrics aren't bad but I agree with Gary that there's too much rhyming, if you depend on rhymes it'll limit what you can say in a song.

I'd be interested in hearing it, if you could ever do a recorded version I'd be very intrigued to hear it.

Overall though It seems like it could be catchy and the message and the lyrics aren't bad apart from the rhyming thing. Instead of relying on rhymes to create hooks all the time, use the instrumental to pack in a punch so that you can be more articulate with your lyrics.

I hope I've not come across as harsh, I've tried to be constructive as any criticism without advice is useless. Keep at it though, you've got talent just need to nurture it.

Its a good idea sounds Little Boots-Earthquake.

But the only problem is the ryhimg i think ryhming ruins a song sometimes if its forced.

But yeh i likes it!!