The Controlling Partner
 

On the offshoot from another thread.....

Controlling partners.

Some of you on here are too young to have possibly encountered - but am sure you may still find some you can relate to - even as friends.

As I am female: I'll use that slant for discussion in what I find a controlling partner (or friend).

Social events are with 'their friends'...not yours.

They 'dont like' your friends - regardless of how nice they are

They make the rules on where you are going, when and with whom.

They love that you are popular with their friends - in public. But in private, you are accused of all manner of things, that you are purportedly 'upto' , with their friends (though they'd never accuse their friends of this, or admit to giving you a hard time over it either)

Single sex events (ie: GNO's) are seen as an absolute threat - you know it's going to cause grief when you mention it to them.

You go to a night out without them -normally with 'your' friends, not theirs, and then you 'pay the price' by your partner treating you like a piece of dog crap, as though you've done something very wrong,when you haven't.

When you don't answer your phone to them and have to call them back: you 'must have been up to no good'. (in their eyes)

you find that you put off nights out / visits to your friends, without your partner, as you no longer can be assed with the aggro you'll get (and the unfounded accusations) from your partner. (you know.... the one who supposedly loves and trusts you!)

If you dare ask the partner about something they have arranged to go without you - regardless of how innocent a question is - it's turned around into YOU making a bit deal about nothing and interrogating them. (yet it's ok for them to do the same thing with you and you are meant to just accept that !!!)

When you get stuck in traffic quite genuinely ..... and know you are going be under suspicion of 'foul play / cheating / getting up to no use / making plans behind their back' - and are going to arrive home to a barrage of questions and the inevitable major fight *with them storming out, getting drunk then coming home to give you more verbals and/or worse*

I see these traits in both males and females, but it does 'seem' more prevailant in the insecure and jealous male partner.

What makes these people tick and why do people put up with it.:conf::conf:

I would never put up with it, I have to be my own person.

It's one of those situs that you 'have' to be in I suppose Joey - we all think and say we would 'react' in a certain way when we've not 'been there'......... but when it happens - we realise sometimes that we don't quite 'react' the way we KNOW we should.

It all very dependant on personal circumstances as well - in each of the people involved at the time of meeting, how the relationship grew - and then changed..... by which time - much has happened.

Weak people tend to gravitate to people like this. They need the control.

and btw no bloke likes his partners friends that much - mainly because they are girls.

I would never let myself become controlled like that, I have no idea how anyone puts up with it either.

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily.html
All you need to know. :)

Everyone says "Oh I would never be controlled" But you'd be suprised, emotions can override sometimes.

Yeah, I doubt anybody is immune to this, except the actual people who do it.

We all do it

Yeah, some of the controlling is probably subconscious

This. However from my experience. If you have a partner. Then the male needs plenty of sex. Yes they will wait a little while until you are ready to do it the first time but once a female partner rejects their partner for sex.. then this can be a good reason of a male's controllable behaviour. They may already be controlling but more so/angry/frustrated if they don't have any sexy time. It a need in like 90-95% of men. Of course you will get that minority that don't need a lot of sex.

A bloke told me.. his mate's wife always gives him sex/a blow job before he goes out with his male mates. The bloke told me his mate therefore has never cheated on his wife because he "got some" before he went out.

All of this. I think some are 'sucked in' ... long before they even realise it.

I think you would be fooling yourself to think that your partner trusts you implicitly and you should never trust them that way either. Life is not like a film and you can only trust your blood.

Relationships are not a walk in the park, but if it gets to the point where you have a situation like that listed above, it's not really working, is it?

True. Anyone who thinks otherwise, will have a heavy price to pay before 'reality' sinks in - loving a person does not necessariy mean it's a good or healthy relationship - which is what i THINK many are of the opinoin IS a good relationship. (you know, I love him, I trust him............ but the relationship doesn't actually reflect that in reality).

I'd end the relationship, I can't stand Neuroticism.

A relationship can't work without trust and if someone's that controlling it obviously means they don't trust you and that'll lead to nothing but a dead end relationship.

True, point noted, but I hate being smothered, the moment it started to happen I would pull away fast.

Once my times of solitude were being limited or eroded then that would likely,(I say likely admitting that one day someone may have a really massive effect on me),turn me against them and I'd need to walk away from it all.

Time will tell I guess but for me long term commitment will be a very hard river to cross anyway.

I think we all have that element in us, it's keeping it under control that is the key

If someone is being smothered, or feeling smothered - in my opinion, it's a bad relationship unless it can get sorted and pronto!!

Absolutely.

Been there, receiving end and have the hospital list and scars and broken bones to prove it. With me I was too frightened to leave the relationship and VERY young. When you consider someone telling you they'll kill you if you leave them it's not so easy.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing as I did manage to get out but trust me it was purely through true friends it happened. Many don't have that

Everyone says they'd walk away. It really isn't that simple

This. Everyone says it is easy to walk away, but trust me it isn't That partner will go to extreme lengths to ensure it's not an easy break.

yes

both above too. Normally by that time, the controlling partner has made sure you're completely 'cowed', dependant on them (psychologically) and has depleted you of all confidence you ever had - and as Kerry says: then the emotional blackmail starts. Awful, truly awful. It never fails to amaze me (shock me? I'm not sure which), that these controlling partners have the audacity to say, "I love you". Nope, they love controlling you.

yes, I've been there too Kerry as many others have - thankfully many years ago - but part of me inside 'knew' there was something not quite right during the 'being charmed off my pants' stage - yet still you get sucked in. Heart ruling head and common sense flying out of the window.

Bizarre thing is: now I spot such a guy (or female) who is like this, very very quickly and have watched a young 21 year old go through the very same thing recently and it's heartbreaking to realise the only help you can give is 'be there - without question'.

truth is, some women are attracted to controlling men and bad guys generally

then they start complaining when they act bad and controlling!

And adults should take control of their own lives. No its not easy to leave certain relationships..but is it easy to stay? No. So you basically way up which choice is easiest and sadly many women decide to stay in abusive relationships rather than take that leap into the unknown. Well thats their choice. Maybe they should choose better men in the first place.