something to make kirklancaster laugh
 

Hopefully this gives you all a laugh, but especially Kirklancaster:

- - -

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

:laugh: I love Pam Ayres.

:laugh3:

:joker::joker:

:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2: Definitely did the trick Jenny - Thank You love.

I love Pam Ayres and daft rhyme (as you might have guessed from my responses to WaterHog)

In fact, I can feel a daft response to this coming over me Jenny. :joker:

Bring it on Kirk :laugh::cheer2:

This isn't Pam Ayres Kirk ,but it might make you smile :-)
two old ladies talking about their deaths...........
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

:laugh2:

:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2: Mint Kaz.

Good one:laugh::laugh:

For Jenny, Kaz And Leather.

'PARADISE REGAINED'

My wife read your poem Jenny
and it realised all my fears.
And when she did, I ran and hid
'Cos I knew she'd get ideas.

Faster than Bolt I ran out of the house
And locked myself in the shed.
But she followed me out and with a loud shout
Commanded me "OUT" and to bed.

There was no point in refusing
I know 'Cos whenever I've tried,
She's just gone berserk, so when she growled "Kirk"!
I unlocked the shed door and complied.

As I followed her upstairs I said my prayers
At the thought of doing any porking.
I mean she's as big as a whale and if I was in Jail
I'd be one of those 'Dead Men Walking'

She laid down nude on the bed, her fat legs well spread
And a come on look in her eyes.
My knees turned to mush as she stroked her own tush
And said; "Kirky baby, try this for size"

I started to groan as she started to moan
and I swear that my eyes filled with tears
"Why don't you come and caress" she said stroking her breasts
Which flopped down like Spaniel's ears.

"Come on Kirk, show me your sex organs" she said
"The way that you used to do"
But my dick's long since 'gone', so I showed her my tongue
And a few of my fingers too.

She laughed, turned over and put her bum in the air
And wriggled it from left to right
"Remind you of anything?" She asked,
I said "Yeah love - The Isle of Wight".

"Enough" She said as she thrusted her tush
"Come here and enter me you nutter"
"Aw, OK" I said, "But I have to go to the shed"
"For a torch and a cobwebb cutter"

But then I felt ashamed, cos she isn't to blame
That we've lost all our romance.
But it's hard to go down to a grey fuzzy mound
past veins like a road map of France.

But I grit my teeth and thought of England
And performed one of my Herculean feats,
'Cos when you're a MAN you don't have to be Klu Klux Klan
To be a Wizard Under The Sheets.

"Oh Thank you stud" she gushed up at me
"You've proved you can still be bad"
"Despite having no dick you're just fantastic"
'Cos that's the best 15 seconds I've had"

And as we lay back and I played with her crack
Believe me it really felt weird
To get the same kind of buzz from stroking that fuzz
As I get from stroking her beard.

But thank you Jenny my lovely
For posting that silly poem
It's rekindled the fire but now my desire,
Has me coming when I should be going.

:clap1::clap1:Good stuff Kirk,Waterhog better get another job:hehe:

:omgno: kirk you little devil you....

:laugh3:

:hehe: I'm so glad you found it funny Mokka. I'm only joking though - my missus is still lovely and only a size 10 (20 years younger than me :laugh:) and I am MASSIVELY hung (NOT :laugh:)

Oh Kirk I nearly wet myself. I don't know how you write 'peotry' like that, but it's definately a gift:joker::laugh:
Mind you, I wouldn't want to be you when your missus reads it:joker:

Thanks Jenny. I'm chuffed you chuckled. I was safe with my missus because I read her your Pam Ayres poem first and that had her howling so she was in a good mood when I hit her with mine. :laugh:

Your missus sounds like she has a good sense of humour. Mind you she must have, being married to you and I mean that as a compliment. Having a good sense of humour is THE most important thing for me in a partner. Forget money and looks, if you can both have a laugh you can get through anything.:joker::laugh: