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Chat and Games Looking for forum games, and completely off topic banter - this is your place! (includes Virtual Big Brother type forum games) |
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20-05-2015, 03:37 PM | #1 | ||
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Hopefully this gives you all a laugh, but especially Kirklancaster:
- - - FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag;... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread. In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator!!" Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done! She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!!" Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey!! |
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20-05-2015, 04:19 PM | #2 | |||
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I love Pam Ayres.
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20-05-2015, 04:22 PM | #3 | |||
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Mokka
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20-05-2015, 04:32 PM | #4 | |||
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RIP Pyramid, Andyman ,Kerry and Lex xx https://www.facebook.com/JamesBulgerMT/?fref=photo "If slaughterhouses had glass walls, most people would be vegetarian" |
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20-05-2015, 10:39 PM | #5 | |||
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I love Pam Ayres and daft rhyme (as you might have guessed from my responses to WaterHog) In fact, I can feel a daft response to this coming over me Jenny. |
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21-05-2015, 06:11 AM | #6 | ||
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21-05-2015, 07:34 AM | #7 | |||
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This isn't Pam Ayres Kirk ,but it might make you smile :-)
two old ladies talking about their deaths........... SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
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RIP Pyramid, Andyman ,Kerry and Lex xx https://www.facebook.com/JamesBulgerMT/?fref=photo "If slaughterhouses had glass walls, most people would be vegetarian" |
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21-05-2015, 07:38 AM | #8 | |||
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You know my methods
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21-05-2015, 08:31 AM | #9 | |||
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21-05-2015, 02:13 PM | #10 | ||
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21-05-2015, 05:29 PM | #11 | |||
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For Jenny, Kaz And Leather.
'PARADISE REGAINED' My wife read your poem Jenny and it realised all my fears. And when she did, I ran and hid 'Cos I knew she'd get ideas. Faster than Bolt I ran out of the house And locked myself in the shed. But she followed me out and with a loud shout Commanded me "OUT" and to bed. There was no point in refusing I know 'Cos whenever I've tried, She's just gone berserk, so when she growled "Kirk"! I unlocked the shed door and complied. As I followed her upstairs I said my prayers At the thought of doing any porking. I mean she's as big as a whale and if I was in Jail I'd be one of those 'Dead Men Walking' She laid down nude on the bed, her fat legs well spread And a come on look in her eyes. My knees turned to mush as she stroked her own tush And said; "Kirky baby, try this for size" I started to groan as she started to moan and I swear that my eyes filled with tears "Why don't you come and caress" she said stroking her breasts Which flopped down like Spaniel's ears. "Come on Kirk, show me your sex organs" she said "The way that you used to do" But my dick's long since 'gone', so I showed her my tongue And a few of my fingers too. She laughed, turned over and put her bum in the air And wriggled it from left to right "Remind you of anything?" She asked, I said "Yeah love - The Isle of Wight". "Enough" She said as she thrusted her tush "Come here and enter me you nutter" "Aw, OK" I said, "But I have to go to the shed" "For a torch and a cobwebb cutter" But then I felt ashamed, cos she isn't to blame That we've lost all our romance. But it's hard to go down to a grey fuzzy mound past veins like a road map of France. But I grit my teeth and thought of England And performed one of my Herculean feats, 'Cos when you're a MAN you don't have to be Klu Klux Klan To be a Wizard Under The Sheets. "Oh Thank you stud" she gushed up at me "You've proved you can still be bad" "Despite having no dick you're just fantastic" 'Cos that's the best 15 seconds I've had" And as we lay back and I played with her crack Believe me it really felt weird To get the same kind of buzz from stroking that fuzz As I get from stroking her beard. But thank you Jenny my lovely For posting that silly poem It's rekindled the fire but now my desire, Has me coming when I should be going. |
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22-05-2015, 07:55 AM | #12 | |||
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RIP Pyramid, Andyman ,Kerry and Lex xx https://www.facebook.com/JamesBulgerMT/?fref=photo "If slaughterhouses had glass walls, most people would be vegetarian" |
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22-05-2015, 10:22 AM | #13 | |||
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Mokka
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kirk you little devil you....
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22-05-2015, 04:07 PM | #14 | |||
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22-05-2015, 04:13 PM | #15 | ||
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Mind you, I wouldn't want to be you when your missus reads it |
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22-05-2015, 06:03 PM | #16 | |||
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Thanks Jenny. I'm chuffed you chuckled. I was safe with my missus because I read her your Pam Ayres poem first and that had her howling so she was in a good mood when I hit her with mine.
Last edited by kirklancaster; 22-05-2015 at 06:04 PM. |
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22-05-2015, 06:38 PM | #17 | ||
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Your missus sounds like she has a good sense of humour. Mind you she must have, being married to you and I mean that as a compliment. Having a good sense of humour is THE most important thing for me in a partner. Forget money and looks, if you can both have a laugh you can get through anything.
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