The Power of Christ Compels You (To Wurk It)
By Fomas Kelchalavikaktischkyloff
Biography
After disgracing the noble countries of Bosnia & Herzegovina by failing to win Eurovision twice, Euro Pop Sensation and keen knitting pattern expert Fomas Kelchalavikaktischskyloff turned his back on the world of celebrity and twine and took off on an adventure of self discovery. The adventure however only lasted for 5 days as his time in Thailand was cut short after his kidney was stolen by a Thai Ladyboy named Meyloo Sunahmi, an ordeal that is currently being adapted into a Direct to TV Movie with Gabourey Sidibe playing Fomas, Danny Devito playing the role of Meyloo and Laura Linney as Hector, Fomas’ Hispanic sidekick.
Fomas was at his lowest ebb after being deceived by the scheming HeShe and fell into a deep depression that lasted a year until a light in the form of a catholic priest saved him from his own darkness, a gesture which awakened a deep religious belief within Fomas resulting in him moving to Vatican City to pursue a life of faith. With Eurovision drawing near Fomas decided to try again and win for his new found home, armed with his hot beats and lyrics and with God at his side how could he possibly lose?
Stage Directions
The arena darkens and a huge stained glass window depicting St Ke$ha comes into view and with it several priests who begin to repeat the line ‘The Power of Christ compels you’ while a growing hymn rings out. The Priests’ chanting grows louder with the hymn until they they can’t shout any louder at which point all becomes quiet as a loud robotic voice finishes their chanting with a’...To work it’ and a giggle at which point Fomas bursts through the Stained Glass Window as his homage to Ke$ha begins.
Throughout the song he can be seen dancing with slutty nuns in confessional boxes as well as choirboys on a stupidly big bed as well sauntering across a wall separating various gay people. Typical Fomas behaviour.
At the bridge before the final chorus a gigantic crucifix complete with a larger then life Jesus is lowered above the audience, as Fomas reaches the final repetition of the chorus Jesus explodes in a piñata-esque fashion which douses the audience in a potent mix of Tequila and Rohypnol. The song climaxes in a group line dance section involving actual cardinals that ends with a cloud of chloroform being released upon the accompanying choir which leads to the priests dragging choirboys off in various directions.
The Power of Christ Compels You...
The Power of Christ Compels You!
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
....To wurk it
Hot and sanctified
If you’re one of us, then take a ride
up aboard our pope mobile
Where all the nuns have sex appeal
And yes of course we rule 'cus reading Psalms is so damn cool
And no, you don’t wanna mess with us
Just look what happened to Judas
I’ve got that Pope Hat on my head
Seven choir boys in my bed
I'm old and all sith-like
So let’s go-o-o (Let’s go!)
CHORUS:
Tonight we’re praying hard
Like we're reading Esdras
We're keeping gays apart
You know We're Patriarchs
The Catholics are stars.
We’re repenting like we’re jews
We're always on the news
Applying kids with booze
You know We're Patriarchs
The Catholics are stars
JC turn it up
It’s about damn time to preach it up
I’m so sick of being so serious
'Cus My Pope Dress is too fabulous
I’m just preachin’ truth
I’m telling you ’bout the **** we do
We’re confessin’ our sins, sleepin’ with nuns
Repressin’ it all, hittin’ on boys (HARD!)
I’ve got that Pope Hat on my head
Seven choir boys in my bed
I'm old and all sith-like
So let’s go-o-o (Let’s go!)
Tonight we’re praying hard
Like we're reading Esdras
We're keeping gays apart
You know We're Patriarchs
The Catholics are stars
We’re repenting like we’re jews
We're always on the news
Applying kids with booze
You know We're Patriarchs
The Catholics are stars
JC turn it up
JC turn it up
JC turn it up
JC turn it up
Tonight we’re praying hard
Like we're reading Esdras
We're keeping gays apart
You know We're Patriarchs
The Catholics are stars
We’re repenting like we’re jews
We're always on the news
Applying kids with booze
You know We're Patriarchs
The Catholics are stars