[Z]

Now that I'm back at uni, the German course is a lot smaller and close knit because some people dropped out, other people were sort of liberated by the experience and are more sociable, the speaking classes consist of people from my year and the year above and in small groups etc, so I've been getting to know new people this year. There's this girl, N, who before we went away, would only sit with and talk to this boy W so we always assumed that either they were together or it was really platonic. Like they would often just sit in silence, in each other's company, outside uni buildings and stuff, so I kind of just thought they were really quiet oddballs but harmless all the same.

Anyway, this year N is in my speaking class and has become a lot more outgoing, obviously the year away did her confidence the world of good, and I'm always happy to get to know new people and considering it's a course of about 22 people, it's kind of weird to not know everyone really well having known their faces since 2009. So I invited her to pre drinks at my flat for a couple of nights out that my usual group and I have gone on, and she's stayed over at mine a handful of times after a night out too with other people because she lives quite far away and I'm happy to host people (which is how I got crabs, but you all know about that anyway. Pah.)

A while back, my friend, H, was with her gay friends in the gay bar in town and bumped into the boy W, who only hangs out with N, and he begged her to not mention it to N (why would she? They never spoke) because N didn't approve of gay people and didn't know that he was there. H mentioned it in passing to us and we were all like 'ah, that explains their platonic friendship' but we figured she wasn't homophobic because surely she'd have realised the boy had gay tendencies if they'd been friends for so long, so why would she still be friends with him?

Last night, there was a German Society special club night arranged at this small venue, so lots of us were there dancing to German music and having fun, when N followed my friend D into the male toilets. A bouncer went in and told her she wasn't allowed to be in there, and she then said something like "why are you throwing me out? It's not like I'm a gayboy trying to do something wrong in the toilets" and he calmly explained to her that it was because it was a male toilet and she was female and she wasn't allowed to be in there. She then launched a tirade of homophobic abuse at the bouncer, calling him a ****** and saying he had made a sinful life choice and he was taking it out on her - so she ended up getting herself, and D, thrown out of the club. I had gone home by this point but my friends H and K were staying over at mine and they were still at the club, and they said N could come back with them to mine and the three of them stayed over here. K then told me about all of this today at uni.

So my dilemma - N has sort of established me as a new friend of hers and obviously wants to integrate herself into our group of friends, but I absolutely cannot be friends with someone who is so homophobic. She is unaware of the fact I've had a boyfriend in the past, and I feel like I can't tell her about it because I don't want to be on the end of abuse. What do I do? I can't stop seeing her because we do the same course and it's so small. I'll stop inviting her to things, but how do I get out of this fledgling friendship? Or do I try and forget it and put it down to the fact she was very drunk and assume that she wouldn't do that to me?

[Shaun]

Kill the ****ing bitch.

[Kate!]

Maybe you could be dead straightforward with her, tell her you like to be upfront with people you like and are a really honest guy, and say if she has any issues with it you'll totally understand. Flatter her a bit and give her the get out option. If she' s really that biased she'll drop you like a ton of bricks. At least you'll know. You seem a really soft hearted chap to me Zee. Good luck with it.

[Kate!]

Just typed a nice response, then saw Shauns.

[AnnieK]

Personally I'd go with Shaun's, those kind of views need to be stamped out and you often find things said whilst drunk are peoples true feelings, but Kate's is possibly the better and more mature option

[nicole_burks]

It's probably best that you come out and tell her. and if she doesn't understand it's her loss.

[Z]

Hmm yeah that's a really good suggestion Kate, but I'm generally quite a private person and I don't think she has any need to know about my private life, but at the same time it's an issue so it can't be ignored. It's very awkward!

[Ammi]

..you don't have to tell her anything personal about you Zee...apart from anything else, as you say, you'd just be giving her the 'weapon' to abuse you...and why should you talk about your personal life to anyone unless you choose to....

.....but I wouldn't let the friendship continue because you know that if your suspicions are founded, she isn't someone you want as a friend..regardless of what she wants...I'd instigate a discussion about homosexuality and let her know how much you abhor homophobics...then she has the 'secret' not you...

[Legend killer]

I can confirm this story I am boy W

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by Legend killer

I can confirm this story I am boy W

..does your girlfriend know you're gay LK...?

[Z]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..you don't have to tell her anything personal about you Zee...apart from anything else, as you say, you'd just be giving her the 'weapon' to abuse you...and why should you talk about your personal life to anyone unless you choose to....

.....but I wouldn't let the friendship continue because you know that if your suspicions are founded, she isn't someone you want as a friend..regardless of what she wants...I'd instigate a discussion about homosexuality and let her know how much you abhor homophobics...then she has the 'secret' not you...

That's a really great suggestion Ammi, because it puts the spotlight on her, not me, which is what the issue is! I think she's from a religious background but I don't really know her well enough to be sure. Either way, in this day and age, in my generation, it's become taboo to be seen as a -phobic/-ist person and hopefully her attitudes will change and she's not determined to be against this... it's a shame.

[Legend killer]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..does your girlfriend know you're gay LK...?

I Thought he was the straight one

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by Zee

That's a really great suggestion Ammi, because it puts the spotlight on her, not me, which is what the issue is! I think she's from a religious background but I don't really know her well enough to be sure. Either way, in this day and age, in my generation, it's become taboo to be seen as a -phobic/-ist person and hopefully her attitudes will change and she's not determined to be against this... it's a shame.

..yeah, through working in a school..we have close associations with different religions and, although most of them are homophobic..the baptist/christians seem to be the worst..more extreme...and they really do think being homosexual is not natural/evil...they're more or less taught that from birth..but as you say, they may not want that to be so obvious outside their church group....

...but really, you're not closely involved in this...her friend is W..and her 'issue' is with him..she's not a close friend of yours, so you don't have to feel you have to tell her anything..and her friendship would be no huge loss...this is all her problem, for whatever her reasons are...so if you want to try to bring the friendship to a head now, you have that option by letting her know your views on homosexuality...you could always relate the W story to her..only not tell her it was him...just say it as if it was another friend of yours and how nobody knew he was gay but was seen at a gay bar...and tell her how you intend to support him etc...if she reacts with disapproval, at least it won't be aimed at you..or at least only in a smaller way, because she disapproves that you're supporting your friend....the thing of it is anyway...you probably won't ever have a longterm freindship with her anyway, because she isn't likely to change her views.....

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by Legend killer

I Thought he was the straight one

..LOL...no LK..he wasn't...is there something you want to share...?