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Old 05-08-2019, 10:28 PM #1
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Default ALFs jokes thread
For Alf
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Old 05-08-2019, 10:36 PM #2
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Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on the roof of Trump Tower having a chat. Trump says to Pence, "I want to do something good to put a smile on American's faces" Pence says "You could Jump"
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Old 05-08-2019, 10:38 PM #3
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Tesco to cut 4,500 jobs across 153 stores

I guess 'Every Lidl helps'
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Old 05-08-2019, 10:43 PM #4
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Tesco to cut 4,500 jobs across 153 stores

I guess 'Every Lidl helps'
Boom boom!
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Old 05-08-2019, 10:47 PM #5
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Boom boom!
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Old 05-08-2019, 10:56 PM #6
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My dentist informed me today that I need a crown.

Finally, someone who understands me.
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Old 05-08-2019, 11:08 PM #7
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I went and got drunk.
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Old 05-08-2019, 11:11 PM #8
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My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof
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Old 05-08-2019, 11:19 PM #9
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My wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
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Old 05-08-2019, 11:22 PM #10
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I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
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Old 05-08-2019, 11:37 PM #11
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Eye jokes

The Cornea the better.
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Old 05-08-2019, 11:40 PM #12
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As a child:
'You’re grounded’

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm’
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Old 05-08-2019, 11:58 PM #13
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Quote:
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As a child:
'You’re grounded’

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm’
soooo true.
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:13 AM #14
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I was in the bank the other day when an old woman asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:16 AM #15
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Quote:
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As a child:
'You’re grounded’

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm’
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:19 AM #16
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I should post the ones I posted in private chat, incase people didn't get to see them.

What did the penis say to the condom?

Spoiler:

Cover me, I'm going in
Last edited by Alf; 06-08-2019 at 11:19 AM.
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:20 AM #17
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My mother is so fat that when she falls down the stairs, her neighbours think Eastenders is finishing
Last edited by Alf; 06-08-2019 at 11:20 AM.
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:22 AM #18
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I used to make jokes about German Sausages, but they were the wurst
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:23 AM #19
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I'm sick and tired of WW2 jokes, Anne Frankly they need to stop
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:24 AM #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alf View Post
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I went and got drunk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alf View Post
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof
That relationship moved quickly
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:25 AM #21
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Quote:
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That relationship moved quickly
That's what you took from it did you?
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:50 AM #22
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So I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night

I should’ve put it on aloha setting.
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Old 06-08-2019, 12:58 PM #23
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...why did the first elephant fall out of the tree...?...


Spoiler:

...it slipped...
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Old 06-08-2019, 01:00 PM #24
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...why did the second elephant fall out of the tree..?..

Spoiler:

..it was glued to the first elephant...
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Old 06-08-2019, 01:01 PM #25
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...why did the third elephant fall out of the tree...?...


Spoiler:

...he thought it was a game...
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