[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by ChristMASS EFFECT

The problem is if I said I didn't want them, she would do that but I don't think I can go through life knowing I've deprived her of the one thing most people live for.

The problem is it's a lot like Smudgie said with the soulmate thing. Do people change their mind on being a parent when they get older? Is it something like once you reach late 20's a light just switches on in your brain?

That question wasn't aimed at you Vicky btw I have no idea how old you are you could be younger than me for all I know.

For me, I was never really fussed about kids, until I got pregnant. I have never been the most maternal of people, but everything changed when I knew I was going to have a baby.

I know that doesnt help much

[Kyle]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

For me, I was never really fussed about kids, until I got pregnant. I have never been the most maternal of people, but everything changed when I knew I was going to have a baby.

I know that doesnt help much

No no it's all helping. I suppose some people adapt to the role once it's thrust upon them. They do say having a child is the greatest feeling in the world and I suppose parent mode would just kick in automatically in most cases right?

[Vicky.]

I think most people deep down have a maternal/paternal side. I think it would be very rare for someone to have a child and feel nothing for it. Even if you are as extreme as to hate other kids, its very different when it is your own.

I can only speak from a mothers POV obviously. But I assume it would be the same for fathers.

[Z]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

I think most people deep down have a maternal/paternal side. I think it would be very rare for someone to have a child and feel nothing for it. Even if you are as extreme as to hate other kids, its very different when it is your own.

I can only speak from a mothers POV obviously. But I assume it would be the same for fathers.

I think I would be a great parent but I don't want to have any children because I want to do lots of things on my own that I simply couldn't do if I had parental responsibilities. If you have a child, your life is no longer just about you and I think for many people, especially men, that's not an appealing prospect until you feel like you've done all that you want to do on your own. That's my take anyway. My mum always said to us that we should never truly settle down until we're about 30-33 because being young is all about making mistakes and learning from them, so by the time you hit 30 you've generally got all the stupid out of your system and you're probably going to be a much better person for it. I could never imagine factoring in a child if I want to go out with my friends or whatever, not at this stage.

If two people have different wants on this level then the only thing to do is to amicably break up. One of you shouldn't be unhappy for life just to make the other one happy. That's crazy.

[Ammi]

..I don't think you can 'deprive' someone of being a parent, I think really the decision is up to them whether they want the relationship with that person more or to be a parent more...

[Cherie]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..I don't think you can 'deprive' someone of being a parent, I think really the decision is up to them whether they want the relationship with that person more or to be a parent more...

True enough as long as you are not hiding the fact that you don't want kids or giving her the impression that you might change your mind in the future when you know in your heart that you won't then it is her choice.

My sisters husband never wanted kids, she would have liked some but she wanted to be with him more, they have a great relationship and I don't think she ever regretted it.

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by Cherie

True enough as long as you are not hiding the fact that you don't want kids or giving her the impression that you might change your mind in the future when you know in your heart that you won't then it is her choice.

My sisters husband never wanted kids, she would have liked some but she wanted to be with him more, they have a great relationship and I don't think she ever regretted it.

..yeah, I think that’s it, Cherie..not everyone wants children anyway, but even if one of the people in the partnership does and the other doesn’t, it can still be a great/long lasting relationship and isn’t necessarily ‘doomed to fail’...what we want/our directions etc change through our lives anyway and couples can start going in different directions/not want the same things at any point in time and any point in their relationship... it’s just that with children there is an association that females will want to become mothers but that isn’t always the case, some prefer not to be... but even if the female does want a child, maybe that would change for her if the having of that child meant a ‘sacrifice’ of the person she loved and wanted to be with, that can put a whole new spin on it....

...I don’t think there is anything that my OH could have said that would have made me feel, uh uh, I can’t be with you then if that’s how you feel because my feelings for the guy I knew and loved was a much stronger emotion than any need or want for a child that I had yet to know and love at the time, you only love them (children) when you have them/become pregnant etc .... anyway, it’s lovely that your sister and her husband are happy and so much in love with each other, that’s always nice to hear.... and yeah, openness and honesty...always....

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by The baby Zeesus

I think I would be a great parent but I don't want to have any children because I want to do lots of things on my own that I simply couldn't do if I had parental responsibilities. If you have a child, your life is no longer just about you and I think for many people, especially men, that's not an appealing prospect until you feel like you've done all that you want to do on your own. That's my take anyway. My mum always said to us that we should never truly settle down until we're about 30-33 because being young is all about making mistakes and learning from them, so by the time you hit 30 you've generally got all the stupid out of your system and you're probably going to be a much better person for it. I could never imagine factoring in a child if I want to go out with my friends or whatever, not at this stage.

If two people have different wants on this level then the only thing to do is to amicably break up. One of you shouldn't be unhappy for life just to make the other one happy. That's crazy.

Yeah thats a great point really. When you have a child, pretty much for the next 18 years you don't have your own life..everything revolves around the child. I mean, you can still go out, but its a right fanny on trying to get childcare and such sorted

Waiting til you are older does make sense, but for women its not really that simple. Put if off til mid thirties, and then if it doesn't happen quite soon, you might not be able to do it fullstop :/

I always try to work to "relationship deal breakers". If someone cheated on me, then it would be over as that's a deal breaker in my view, otherwise it's up for negotiation. I view children in exactly the same way - I'd love children of my own, but I'd much rather find the person I'm most compatible with, so if that is with someone who didn't want them, then I'd take the person over the children every day of the week.

If it was the other way round, and the other person wanted them, but I didn't, then it would come down to finances for me. If we were in a position where we could afford it, then I'd be willing to compromise, otherwise struggling to pay bills and put food on the table and trying to provide for another mouth to feed would be a massive stress/strain on any relationship that wasn't in it together.

[AnnieK]

Originally Posted by The Baby Jesus

I always try to work to "relationship deal breakers". If someone cheated on me, then it would be over as that's a deal breaker in my view, otherwise it's up for negotiation. I view children in exactly the same way - I'd love children of my own, but I'd much rather find the person I'm most compatible with, so if that is with someone who didn't want them, then I'd take the person over the children every day of the week.

If it was the other way round, and the other person wanted them, but I didn't, then it would come down to finances for me. If we were in a position where we could afford it, then I'd be willing to compromise, otherwise struggling to pay bills and put food on the table and trying to provide for another mouth to feed would be a massive stress/strain on any relationship that wasn't in it together.

This is so true, after we split, my hubby said he would give it a go but I was scared if we did have a child and things were tough he would resent me and the baby and so I couldn't compromise, I thought too much of him for that.

Originally Posted by Angel~Annie

This is so true, after we split, my hubby said he would give it a go but I was scared if we did have a child and things were tough he would resent me and the baby and so I couldn't compromise, I thought too much of him for that.

You always have to be weary about promises during a break up. We're all capable of promising the earth in desperate times. Reality is a lot harder to live with.