[Hooly One]

Androgyny Rules OK


The new plaster cast housemate was the product of fertile imaginations, sculpted with a fine pair of breasts worthy of Jordan and a willy worthy of, well, Jason.

Proving that love is blind, the housemates were so enamoured of their plaster cast creation that they took it in turns to serenade their ideal housemate with love songs.

"She's so fit and she knows it," rapped Michelle, paraphrasing The Streets.

Even Victor wasn't immune to the statue's charms. "I just can't get you out of my head," he crooned. "Stay forever and ever and ever," he pleaded.

Other appropriate songs were suggested as the housemates lovingly added boobs and a six-pack to the ambiguously gendered model.

Recreating a scene from the film Ghost, where Demi Moore moulds clay, the BB housemates howled an ear-splitting rendition of Unchained Melody.

This was swiftly followed by yowls of "Could you be the most beautiful girl in the world?"

Big Brother, say no more


"If you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world...It's not her," responded Michelle, unlikely to suffer much jealousy from this particular rival.

That old charmer Jay was on the prowl. "Hello, is it me you're looking for?" he enquired of the plaster-clad monster. But like Vanessa, this particular "girl" wasn't impressed by his seduction technique and remained silent.

"More than a woman" was perhaps the most accurately chosen tune of the night as the housemates decided to equip their shapely model with a large willy. More than a woman indeed!

Everyone joined in for a rousing, and completely inappropriate chorus of Roy Orbison's Pretty Woman. Let's face it, if you saw this particular "woman walking down the street", you'd probably run as fast as you could in the opposite direction.

Expect the album The Greatest Love Songs for Transsexual Statues Ever: Part 1" in record shops soon.

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