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Shaun · 16-02-2017, 01:38 AM

A career low? Something to kill the thread? Sure!

September 2022. BBC Four has been decommissioned after allowing a racist five year old to last three weeks on television, and thus the show has been bought by Bravo. In a bizarre ratings grab, they've cast entirely criminal housemates, under the vague illusion this will be a "behind the minds of a killer" style show. A hideous casting error means both innocent and guilty Ian Watkins are invited to take part. H cannot quite grasp what's going on. It's CBB30, anyway.
Cast List
[Marsh is delighted that John Wayne Gacy Jr's entrance music is, indeed, Lady GaGa's "John Wayne]

Week One

[Oh ffs! I think that H's event is the most unpopular one I set, so any chance of a vaguely un-evil winner may have already died.]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Patty Hearst, H from Steps and Karen Matthews - 3 that didn't actually kill anyone
No Nominations!: Lorena, Aileen & Myra
Evicted: Patty!
[I can't say I feel too strongly about this - she's probably the one y'all know the least about and it's likely she was held in this house against her will anyway.]

Week Two

[OK this got dark quick!]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: H from Steps and Hannibal Lecter - ok but he's bloody fictional! Guys!!!!!
No Nominations!: Amanda, Aileen, Ian, Rita, Charles & Vee
Evicted: Hannibal Lecter!
[He managed to find the one event that was less popular than not being in the Baha Men.]

Week Three

[Considering she only chopped off her hubby's dick and he survived (and allegedly raped her), Lorena would be a semi-rootbale winner I guess? Continue to serve the weird drama, mama!]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: H from Steps, Annie Wilkes & Karen Matthews - I didn't like H & Claire either but it was the best work we got after Steps ended ffs!
No Nominations!: Amanda, Aileen, Myra, Rita and Charles
Evicted: H from Steps!
[Gemma Whelan's portrayal of her has really upped Karen Matthew's popularity, it would seem.]

Week Four

[Not sure that's how the game is played but ok]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Pablo Escobar & Annie Wilkes
No Nominations!: Lorena, Charles & Myra
Evicted: Pablo Escobar!
[Well they needed him for season 6 of Narcos at the time, tbf.]

Week Five

[Both relatively high on the "probability of Brantsteele events coming true" scale!]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Pol Pot & Annie Wilkes
No Nominations!: Lorena, Charles, Rita, Amanda & Myra
Evicted: Pol Pot!
[I guess killing roughly 2-3 million people will make you a handful of enemies]

Week Six

[Honestly, this cast is so problematic.]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Aileen Wuornos, Amanda Knox, Karen Matthews & Annie Wilkes
No Nominations!: Lorena, Myra, Rita & Abu
Evicted: Aileen Wuornos!
[Charlize Theron was present at her eviction.]

Week Seven

[YAAAAAAAS "Rita"!]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Amanda Knox & Annie Wilkes
No Nominations!: Lorena, Rita & Casey
Evicted: Annie Wilkes!
[Fictional goddess]

Week Eight

[Some friendly banter between the two least problematic girlies (bar Rita)!]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Amanda Knox, Vee from OITNB, Abu Hamza & Casey Anthony!
No Nominations!: Lorena, Rita, Myra & Ian
Evicted: Casey Anthony!
[finding it difficult to make lighthearted remarks about the evictions of child-murderers tbh!]

Week Nine

[The wobble-board version of City of Stars is a real treat, let me tell you]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Amanda Knox vs. Abu Hamza!
No Nominations!: Just Rita Repulsa! QUEEN
Evicted: Abu Hamza!
[Amanda is getting off scot-fre- nope that's a tasteless joke]

Week Ten

[I don't quite know what to say to that]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Amanda Knox vs. Charles Manson!
No Nominations!: Rita, Myra & Karen
Evicted: Charles Manson!
[Honestly, Amanda is picking off the men with deadly preci-nope still not a tasteful joke]

Week Eleven

[These two are BRINGING

IT

]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Amanda Knox vs. Ian Watkins vs. Vee from OITNB!
No Nominations!: Myra, Lorena, Rita & Dzhokhar
Evicted: Ian Watkins!
[He is later mortified to discover not a single bit of promo was given to lostprophets during his entire tenure.]

Week Twelve

[Not sure that's how you win a redemption edit, Mr. Gacy Jr.]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Amanda Knox vs. John Wayne Gacy Jr.
No Nominations!: Vee, Lorena & Rita (wow come on top 3?)
Evicted: Amanda Knox!
[Wtf does John Wayne Gacy have to do to get evicted around here?!]

Week Thirteen

[Not the showmance]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev vs. John Wayne Gacy Jr.
No Nominations!: Just Myra Hindley
Evicted: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev!
[It didn't help that Emma Willis couldn't pronounce his name properly.]

Week Fourteen

[I cannot believe Karen Matthews is getting the Helen Wood edit]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Yvonne 'Vee' Parker vs. John Wayne Gacy Jr.
No Nominations!: Just Rita Repulsa! <3
Evicted: John Wayne Gacy Jr!
[As if it takes a series of criminals for there to be a final 6 with five women.]

Week Fifteen

[The worrying thing is I'm still unsure if I'm #TeamNatalie here]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Yvonne 'Vee' Parker vs. Karen Matthews vs. Lorena Bobbitt
No Nominations!: n/a
Evicted: Karen Matthews!
[I guess that BOTS reception last week was shortlived.]

Week Sixteen

[Not a brilliant penultimate week]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Rolf Harris vs. Myra Hindley - omfg not my top 3 all nominating the exact same way <3333333333
No Nominations!: Vee Parker
Evicted: Myra Hindley!
[I guess there're still some fans of Rolf Harris out there.]

Week Seventeen

[Not an expected choice, I must admit]
Nominations

Spoiler:

Nominated: Rolf Harris vs. Vee Parker vs. Lorena Bobbitt - ok at least Rita is a finalist <3
No Nominations!: n/a
Evicted: Rolf Harris!
[Wow. Wow. An actually-ok final 3. Even in this series. Wow.]

Finale

omg come through RITA!!!!!

Oh well

at least it was close

Series Popularity

[I. CANNOT. @ H from Steps being less popular on launch night than 2 paedophiles, all of the serial killers bar Eileen, a Cambodian dictator and the Boston Marathon bomber.]
[Pol Pot had a curious amount of popularity didn't he? Perhaps they thought he was Paul Potts.]
[This is the first time, I think, that the three finalists have been the three most popular HMs at the end of the series.]
[The least popular event was John Wayne Gacy Jr. ranting about Oscar Pistorious, as it cost him 23pts.]
[The most popular event was Rita Repulsa telling Ian Watkins to do one in Week 1, as it saw her launch popularity rise from 38 to 68 (aka 30pts)!

Statistics
Most Nominations: John Wayne Gacy Jr. (41), Karen Matthews (40), Amanda Knox (39)
Fewest Nominations: Patty Hearst (4), Rita Repulsa (7)
Most Evictions Survived: Amanda Knox (6), Vee (5)
Never Up for Eviction: Rita Repulsa!
Highest Eviction Percentage: 92% for Myra Hindley vs. Rolf Harris. Annie Wilkes was not far behind on 91% against Amanda Knox.
Lowest Eviction Percentage: 50.9% for Amanda Knox vs. John Wayne Gacy Jr. Aileen Wuornos getting 36% against 3 others is pretty close, too.

Makes the Highlights Six Times: Rita Repulsa and Lorena Bobbitt
Makes the Highlights Five Times: Charles Manson
Makes the Highlights Four Times: John Wayne Gacy Jr.
Makes the Highlights Thrice: Amanda Knox, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, Karen Matthews and Yvonne 'Vee' Parker
Makes the Highlights Twice: Hannibal Lecter, H from Steps, Casey Anthony, Myra Hindley and Rolf Harris
Makes the Highlights Once: Pol Pot, Aileen Wuornos, Annie Wilkes and Ian Watkins
Doesn't Make the Highlights At All: Patty Hearst, Pablo Escobar and Abu Hamza

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