[Alf]

I tried to sign up to a website the other day

I put my password in as 'Beef Stew' but it said password was not stroganoff

[Alf]

I threw a biscuit at my neighbour the other day, but he ducked


Jammy dodger

[Alf]

Even though I'm now bald, I still keep the comb I've had for twenty years


I just can't part with it

[Alf]

My mate just ate a sofa and two arm-chairs


I think he has a suite tooth

[Alf]

I was almost late for my cocaine awareness lecture


Talk about cutting it fine!

[Alf]

My mate hates his surname, Potato


Although not as much as his wife, Jackie

[Ashley.]

Keep them coming Alf

[Alf]

I've been getting anonymous texts telling me to Shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth.


I think they might be trying to groom me!

[Alf]

I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horse-shoes and rabbits feet


I thought, he's pushing his luck!

[Alf]

I do feel sorry for the people working in Greggs in this weather


They must be baking in there

[Alf]

A lesbian goes to the Doctors for a smear test

Doctor says "That's the cleanest vagina I've ever seen"

She says "Thanks, I have a woman in twice a week"

[Crimson Dynamo]

[Alf]

I slapped Dwayne Johnsons arse the other day


I guess you could say, I hit Rock bottom

[Alf]

Under NO circumstances, accept a friend request from any of the New Zealand rugby team.



They're Hakas!!

[Alf]

There's a nudist convention in Town on Saturday.


I might go if I've got nothing on.

[Alf]

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k 128k 256k 512k and 1MB.


Well that was a trip down memory lane!

[Alf]

I used to have a job collecting leaves.


I was raking it in.

[Alf]

Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a car, beeped his horn and bared his naked bottom out of the window.



Bloody toot and car moon!

[Alf]

I heard the bloke who stole my diary, died recently.


My thoughts are with his family

[Kizzy]

Originally Posted by Alf

Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a car, beeped his horn and bared his naked bottom out of the window.



Bloody toot and car moon!

They found another mummy in a pyramid last week, it was encased in chocolate and covered in nuts.

It was pharaoh rocher.

[Livia]

Jeremy Corbyn goes into a bank. "I'd like to cash this cheque please," he said.
"Do you have ID?" asked the teller.
"Well, no" replied Jeremy, "but, I am Jeremy Corbyn!"
The teller says, "We'll still need proof of identity. For instance, last week we had David Beckham in with no ID. He took a football from his bag and kicked it right over the security barrier and into the at the end of the hall. Similarly, we had Andy Murray in with no ID. He took out his tennis racket, hit a ball at the light switch and turned all the lights off."
"Oh,"said Jeremy, "Well, I'm afraid I don't have any special skills or talents."
"That's fine Mr Corbyn," said the teller. "How would you like the money?"

[Alf]

Nice to see some new gagsters in the thread

Here's one for you


I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of Giants


Doctors have said I've got Feefiphobia

[Nicky91]

i've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of Ghosts

doctors said i've got spookyfobia

[_baileys_]

What is the definition of male foreplay?

You awake?

[Alf]

For Sale!

Limited edition bottle of Tipp-ex


It's a corrector's item.