[Z]

ukturtle - Turtle Griffin, the head of the family
Marc - Hois Griffin, ginger sex pest wife of Turtle
Scott - Wurkit Griffin, the family dog who will hump anything
Shaun - Shewie Griffin, the youngest child, hell bent on world domination
Black Dagger - Crywank Griffin, the middle child, chronic masturbator
Ninastar - Meh Griffin, the eldest child, unwanted and unloved by all
Glenn - Glenn Fagmire, Turtle's neighbour, close friend and pilot
Joe. - Joe. Swallowson, Turtle's neighbour, close friend and local police officer (and time traveller)
Niamh - Niamhland Brown, Turtle's neighbour, close friend and resident black gay
'Conor - 'Connie Swallowson, wife of Joe. Swallowson. Constantly pregnant.
Locke - Locketer Hartman, local Doctor/John Locke impersonator.

----------

Spooner St. The Griffin Family household.

Shewie: Oh good morning Meh, what else are you doing today that's tacky and gross?
Wurkit: You know Shewie, I am sick of your put downs. You're just mean, you know that?
Shewie: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woaaahhh! Come on now Wurkit, you don't really believe that, do you? You're the one who sent those nasty pictures of your pe-
Wurkit: SHUT UP THAT'S WHY.
Meh: I straightened my fringe today. Did anyone even notice?
Hois: WHO WANTS WAFFLES?!
Shewie: Ooh me! Me me me!
Turtle: Hois, your waffles taste like Peter Jackson's sweaty armpits.
~cutaway~
Peter Jackson: Juuuust like Denny's.
~end cutaway~
Turtle: That... uh, that, was disappointing. Do we seriously not have anything better than that? How about Kate Winslet's socks after a workout?
~cutaway~
Kate Winslet: THESE SOCKS TASTE LIKE BAFTAS!
~end cutaway~
Crywank: MOM! DAD! HELP!
Turtle and Hois run upstairs
Hois: What's wrong Crywank!?
Crywank: Mister Fagmire's watching me masturbate!
Turtle: GOD DAMN IT FAGMIRE I TOLD YOU NO MORE "SECOND COMING OUT OF THE CLOSETS" GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!
Glenn comes out of Crywank's closet
Fagmire: Jeez Turtle, it's not like I was watched Meh in the shower.
Turtle: Yah that would be like watching a whale trying to get itself off the beach.
~cutaway~
Extremely Camp Whale: I'm really thtruggling! I'm thuch a thilly goothe!
~end cutaway~
Meh: I HATE YOU! YOU'RE ALL BASTARDS!
Meh runs out of the house crying, nobody cares.

At the local bar are Turtle, Fagmire, Joe. and Niamhland.

Turtle: I just don't know what to do about Crywank. All he does is sits in his room and masturbates, he doesn't even do his homework anymore. Hois is getting so mad, she wants me to talk to him!
Joe.: Maybe you should show him Torchwood.
Niamhland: Maybe you should GO TO HELL.
Joe.: I CAN'T IT'S NOT WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE! GOD DAMN IT 'CONNIE!
Joe. frantically wheels out of the bar.
Fagmire: I dunno Turtle, maybe you should try talking to him, see if you can tell him to slow it down a little.
Turtle: Yesss.. yes, you're right! I should tell him he's going to get AIDS and die if he masturbates! That's genius!
Fagmire: Uhh, I didn't say that, Turtle..
Turtle: That'll teach the little bastard! He fapped and fapped and fapped and used up all the toilet paper! Well no more! I, Turtle Griffin, shall live under this clenched fist no more! Nobody's going to shaft me anymore! I'm done with cocking this up! Penis!
Niamhland: You are so, so gay.

Turtle returns to the family home.

Turtle: Crywank, you've got AIDS.
Crywank: You mean I'm going to die?
Turtle: Yes. Horribly.
Crywank: I took a dump in the bath tub and used mom's toothbrush to clean my asshole. Is she going to die too?
Turtle: I.. you.. what.. Yes. Yes, she is. Aren't you Hois?
Hois looks deeply unimpressed.
Hois: Yes Turtle. I am going to die of AIDS.
Meh: I have syphilis, a boy gave it to me.
Turtle: Shut up Meh.
Meh runs away crying her eyes out.
Shewie: Say, Wurkit, does this mean I'm an AIDS baby?
Wurkit: No, Shewie, they're just pretending. You're a perfectly healthy little boy.
Shewie: Oh, right. Well, it's just, I found a growth on my genitals, Wurkit. I was wondering if you could take a look.
Wurkit: What!? That's terrible! Let's go to a doctor!
Shewie: Uh, no Wurkit, you see, I was rather hoping you could just take a look at it. Maybe rub some ointment on it. Could you do that for me?
Shewie smirks. Wurkit snaps.
Wurkit: Get lost.
Shewie: PRUDE!
Wurkit: Gayyyy.

Crywank, Hois and Turtle are at the hospital.

Locketer Hartman: Well Crywank, I can confirm that you don't have AIDS, but you do have repetitive strain injury from chronic masturbating.
Hois: Meaning that you DO have AIDS, right Doctor?
Locketer: Oh, really? Damn. I knew I shoulda gone to medical school.
Crywank: I don't wanna die mom!
Hois: I know sweetie but if you just stopped with the chronic masturbating and did your chores round the house and gave your mommy ten dollars a week for crack money then none of this will happen!
Crywank: Really?
Hois: Sure! You just have to make sure you do it when mommy's probation officers aren't looking, and keep a look out for any cops while mommy's getting her special medicine!
Turtle: You are a terrifying individual. Crywank, look, all we want is for you to just do your homework and stop it with the constant masturbating. You don't wanna end up like Paris Hilton, do you? Handing out hand jobs for TV air time? Do ya?
~cutaway~
Paris Hilton: It's just, like, whatever dude, it's just, like, you know, like, whatever! Like whatever, like I'm totally just pleased that you're like totally cool like me, like, you know?
Doug Hutchison: You wanna make a sex tape with me and my child bride?
Courtney Stodden, a small poodle, licks Doug's bare feet and humps his leg.
Doug Hutchison: Oh sweet lord.
Paris Hilton: Awwwwww! Cuuuute! Can I keep her?
Doug Hutchison: I wonder how old Dakota Fanning is nowadays?
Paris Hilton: Hey Ashton Kutcher! Do you want like a handjob?
Ashton Kutcher: You're a train wreck.
Paris Hilton: I'M STILL ON TV!
~end cutaway~
Turtle: She thinks we're going to pay her for this appearance, but we're like totally not going to! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Crywank: Does she even give people hand jobs for tv time?
Hois: No, she has people for that.
Meh: I let her give me a hand job once. It was wonderful.
Crywank: Shut up Meh.
Meh: I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF! TONIGHT! NONE OF YOU CARE! I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH!
Meh runs out of the hospital.
Crywank: I'll stop the chronic masturbating.
Hois: Thank you Crywank. You're a good boy.
Courtney Stodden: I'M A GOOD BOY! I'M A GOOD BOY!
Wurkit: Hellooo- wait, I'm gay. Right. Yeah. Gross.
Shewie: I've got a 500ml of lube waiting in my r-
Wurkit: Here's a box of apple juice and a cookie, let's go wait in the car.
Shewie: Ooooohoohooo!

Back at the family home.

Hois: Well Turtle, I think we've learned a lot about our family today.
Turtle: Have we? Like what? You're a ****ing bitch and I can't stand to be around you?
Hois: Are you just pissed because you didn't get to fly the Petercopter?
Turtle: TO THE PETERCOPTER!

~end~