[Garfie]

I've always worried far too much, but I know this stems from the fact I have never ever felt I'm good enough, despite how many good friends I have or what I achieve. I've always convinced myself that any achievement is a fluke and that one day people will realise I'm not good enough. In relationships I'm always convinced that the closer people get, the more likely they are to realise I'm not good enough, so I keep everyone at arm's length. I believe this is called something like 'imposter syndrome'.

I look back over my life so far and realise how negatively this has affected me and how it has prevented me from having what I truly want in life. I've tried to work on this but no matter what I do, I can't seem to change the thoughts about me that I feel are a truth in my own mind. It's really sad really.

Anyhow, I have accepted this is my lot in life, but I do wonder whether those people that worry more about what others think do so because they are already in a negative thought pattern about themselves, and are subconsciously looking for confirmation that those thoughts are correct. Why, I don't know.

These days I tell others that if people don't matter to you or you don't care about them, their thoughts are irrelevant. That has helped me. However, I still worry incredibly about what those I do care about think of me. It's very self destructive but I don't think it's something I'll ever be able to change.