[MB.]

With perennial rumours about a supposedly imminent (Celebrity) Big Brother return on Channel 4 flying around like gnats in the summer breeze, I thought I'd put together a semi-realistic cast for a prospective CBB reboot, and put them through the ever-entertaining BrantSteele machine to see what happens!

I've picked twelve celebrities from the worlds of TV, music, showbiz, comedy and social media who I imagine are all relevant enough to be booked on a Channel 4 reality show in 2020/desperate enough to agree to do a Channel 4 reality show in 2020. Who knows, perhaps it'd be a charity edition in the vein of Celebrity Bake Off, Celebrity Who Dares Wins, Celebrity The Island, Celebrity Gogglebox, Celebrity The Crystal Maze, Celebri... okay you can see where I'm going with this. Or perhaps these celebs are all really greedy and just they're doing it while their kitchens are being renovated a la Nadia Sawalha.

I terms of the actual simulator, I fiddled with the popularity and relationship settings to make the series as realistic as possible (which, considering it's a basic simulator without any twists or double evictions, is not very), and inserted some fun events that the celebs would presumably horrified to be associated with if they ever found out about this. I ran the simulator about a week ago, so believe it or not this isn't inspired by Morgan's Survivor simulation (and definitely isn't inspired by Nicky's Dancing with a Stars simulation, since that one doesn't exist), but I'm sure there's room on TiBB for more than one of these things!

oh yeah and Davina's the host, Rylan's in charge of the new and improved BBLB, Marcus has toned it down, I'm married to Dermot, etc etc, I'm not doing this thing in that much detail, don't worry

[Shaun]

the brantsteele era <3

[Beso]

Dude..

Apart from there being no summer breeze for the gnats to be spun about like a crying child on the waltzer. The thought that davina would allow this is......


Well its just is..unbelivievable

[MB.]

The House

As the usual house is now, well, a pile of rubble, it's likely that the show would instead rent a house/apartment/Airbnb and rig it up with cameras, lighting equipment etc, so that the celebrities can get up to whichever antics they fancy inside. So here's a house! Specifically, it's a townhouse in Chelsea that I found on Rightmove. Let's hope the neighbours are Big Brother fans.

[MB.]

Originally Posted by parmnion

Dude..

Apart from there being no summer breeze for the gnats to be spun about like a crying child on the waltzer. The thought that davina would allow this is......


Well its just is..unbelivievable

Davina actually took a break from filing her lawsuit against Brian Dowling to personally authorise this, I think you'll find

[Shaun]

London seem to go absolutely gaga over moss-covered walls; find them in pretty much every office building I work(ed) in

[Beso]

Was gonna say something about hair dye ads....but I love davina shes already forgiven...

Crack on, I will be watching.x

[MB.]

The Launch

(since all reality shows seem to be going the way of Love Island/The Circle in their filming style, and also due to the fact that this imaginary series is being filmed on a residential street and not at a massive TV studio, I would imagine that this isn't a live launch like we're used to. But feel free to picture whatever you want)

[MB.]

Housemate #1




Age: 63
From: Morley, Yorkshire
Who?: Corrie's very own Liz McDonald and all-round telly icon
CBB archetype: I’m thinking either a more down to earth Rula Lenska, a less abrasive Julie Goodyear, or a more... well, entertaining Gillian Taylforth

[Morgan.]

The difference between this and my survivor one is that you can photoshop well and I’m ..... using the Remove Background tool on PowerPoint

[Beso]

Oh right..


It's not the ones in the link in your op..

Sounds good now.

[MB.]

Originally Posted by Morgan.

The difference between this and my survivor one is that you can photoshop well and I’m ..... using the Remove Background tool on PowerPoint

Don't worry, you'll soon see the limits to my Photoshop (by which I mean Pixlr X, which is very much the Aldi own brand Photoshop) skills

[MB.]

Housemate #2




Age: 48
From: Limoges, France
Who?: maître d' on First Dates who has branched out into other television appearances (and become a bit of a Channel 4 staple in the process)
CBB archetype: why, Angelique “Frenchy” Morgan, of course (just kidding. I get Vinnie Jones/Martin Kemp-esque house patriarch vibes from him)

[MB.]

Housemate #3




Age: 22
From: Newcastle
Who?: Love Island winner who has gone on to become one of the show’s top earners
CBB archetype: since Channel 4 CBB didn’t really have a wide casting pool of successful reality TV stars to pick from, I’d say Amber’s archetype is best represented by a meta example, namely Chantelle Houghton

[Babayaro.]

love this

[Babayaro.]

well, not love

i like it a good amount

[MB.]

Housemate #4




Age: 30
From: London via West Bromwich
Who?: RuPaul's Drag Race UK finalist, soon-to-be Celebrity MasterChef contestant and queen of the battered sausage
CBB archetype: the immediate comparison would be Courtney Act, but more realistically I’d say a delightful combination of Kerry Katona and Heavy D

[MB.]

Originally Posted by Babayaro.

well, not love

i like it a good amount

I'd certainly recommend exercising caution

[Beso]

I feel the first fan club is about to happen.

[MB.]

Housemate #5




Age: 25
From: Nantwich, Cheshire
Who?: former Strictly pro and wannabe famewhore
CBB archetype: H, Ollie Locke, Frankie Grande… no particular reason why

[Babayaro.]

if its vote to save, AJ gets the boot in a shock day 12 eviction. bookmark me.

[MB.]

Housemate #6




Age: 30
From: Maldon, Essex
Who?: cleaning influencer, better known to her 3.5 million Instagram followers as Mrs Hinch
CBB archetype: as the nation's leading domestic goddess, it doesn’t feel inaccurate to label her the millennial’s Anthea Turner

[MB.]

Originally Posted by Babayaro.

if its vote to save, AJ gets the boot in a shock day 12 eviction. bookmark me.

BrantSteele only offers a vote to evict for some reason, but you can best believe that I set AJ's personality to the dullest settings possible

[Babayaro.]

Originally Posted by MB.

BrantSteele only offers a vote to evict for some reason, but you can best believe that I set AJ's personality to the dullest settings possible

5th place in the final confirmed?

[MB.]

Housemate #7




Age: 60
From: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Who?: exotic animal trainer, Tiger King star and polygamist cult leader
CBB archetype: the eccentric American chauvinist, in the great tradition of Dirk Benedict, Dennis Rodman and Stephen Baldwin