[LemonJam]

Honestly... I've put myself into a really, really messed up situation.

Some of you know I've been in a relationship with a woman for about 4 years. The biggest problem is that I've never really been in love with her, but she's crazy about me. Of course, the sexual attachment was there but I've been waiting and waiting for the emotional attachment to come along, but nothing. Realistically, my feelings towards her aren't really like a relationship, but a friend with benefits, and that's when it hit me.

A few years back I fell in love with one of my best friends (cliche, I know, but yeah...) and it was horrible. Why? Because it was unrequited; he's a straight male. This wasn't just a sexual attachment, but a serious, agonizing emotional attachment. I eventually got over that (after about 4 years...) and since then I could only develop an emotional attraction to males. I hadn't actually realised this fully until recently. Yeah I find women aesthetically pleasing but I don't feel like I could ever love one.

And this realisation has kind of ****ed me up big time. I always thought "Hey, I'm bisexual, I'll just ignore men and focus on women." But I can't do that. I'd never truly be happy, but given my family, my upbringing and being uncontrollably neurotic I don't feel that I'd be happy accepting what is what and being with a man. My Christian parents would probably disown me, I'd lose a LOT of friends (the majority being lads lads... I don't really fit in with girls/feminine people surprisingly), I'd lose my current girlfriend as a best friend for ****ing her up so badly, I wouldn't be able to have kids which is something I've always wanted, I feel like it'd affect my career and as silly as it sounds I hate having that label like there's nothing else to discuss about me.

And there's nothing I can really do. I'm sat here being a coward every day of my life, like I always have been and I'm just repressing it every day and ignoring it, because I've already got so much **** to deal with, but the more I leave it, the more I'm hurting myself and more importantly, the more I'm hurting her. It's so ****ed up and I know that I'm a really awful, awful person for having things the way they are, but I don't want to break her heart, because she's the best friend I could ever have and she's already gone through so much ****.

So to answer the question in short: Yes. In fact I don't have a clue what I am any more. I guess sexually I'm both ways but emotionally I've only ever found myself leaning one way. But I guess I need to sort things out soon and admitting it (here of all ****ing places) is my first step.