[Kate!]

right, okay....here goes.

I'm Kate, and I am a complete mess a lot of the time, I could write an entire book (seriously) The two things I retain which keep me going is my sense of humour, and a few people I allow close enough to call genuine friends.

I am 43, but I don't feel/act like that age, this could be considered either a good or bad thing depending on your point of view.

My background....

Grew up in an average family, mum and dad, two kids. I am the elder, my brother is three years younger. My dad has now passed away, and my brother is married, we are complete opposites, not at all close. My mum isn't at all touchy feely or one for demonstrating emotion, and was brought up herself very strictly and to always have the house perfect and is far too bothered about what other people think. She nags constantly. I always felt her disapproval and that I was a disappointment. She won't leave the house with so much as a hair out of place. I don't give a ****. () I rarely do make-up and I live in jeans and t-shirts. You will NEVER get me in a dress.

I left home at nineteen and went to stay in my mate Jane's house. Got a job in a make-up factory packing. (I went to college after school, but just pissed about, I am not overly academically qualified, I am bright but was lazy, just wanted to have a laugh. Went a bit (ok a lot) wild. Weekends would see me at Lowie's club in town, with mates, picking up lads. I slept with a fair few, bit sluttish, but there you go.

At 21 I met my son's dad, and was involved with him on and off till the age of 29. I can't say it was the biggest mistake of my life because I have my lovely son as a result and he really is my pride and joy, but other than that it was a nightmare from start to finish, the best thing I ever did was (finally) walk away, though it took a hell of a long time to get there. If I thought I had low self esteem then, it was nothing compared to the state I was in emotionally when it was all over, some 8 years down the line.

He was the perfect guy for about 6 months, long enough for me to consider myself in love and then almost overnight, like flipping a switch, he changed. Well, he didn't really, he had just been hiding his true self.

He cheated on me regularly, and made no attempt to hide it, he enjoyed seeing me upset. He gradually isolated me from all my friends, and completely controlled every aspect of my life. The putdowns and insults were constant. When we moved in together he started to hurt me, he would twist my arm, flick his lighter in my face, or singe my hair, and laugh, say he was just playing.... He drank heavily, more and more as time went on. One night, he brought a bread knife to bed and put it on the floor, saying it was for if I got on his nerves. That became a regular occurrence.

When I got pregnant he calmed down for a while, he was still very controlling, but he was working away a lot driving coaches. He lost his license for drink driving in 1996, it was coming up to Christmas, and he was sacked. He came home drunk out of his head, smashed a glass on the floor and tried to shove it in my face. I was about 2 months pregnant at the time, was terrified. I managed to put my hands up to protect my face and my index finger was sliced to the bone, he phoned his mum in a panic, she took me to the hospital. I had to have plastic surgery on my hand and it is still scarred noticeably today, they took skin grafts from the inside of my palm to repair it.

I was ashamed, so I told my parents that I had cut it washing up, that a sharp knife had been in the bowl and I didn't see it, that lie is intact to this day, if they ever suspected they never said so.

I finally left him just after my son was born, he was born in July and I left in September 1997, the day Diana died it was. I just took him from the house saying we were going for a walk. We never went back. I went straight to my mums and that was the end.

In the final few months his behaviour had escalated to nightmare proportions, he had rigged up a noose in the bedroom and said he was going to kill himself soon, but he hadn't decided when, I would just come home to find him swinging. He had started using his lighter on my hair again and bringing the knife to bed.

The day I left he had gone out to the pub and I was ironing baby clothes and bedding, the news was on, it was all about Diana's death. I decided to go, this complete calmness just came over me. When he came in I said I was taking the baby for a walk, and as I mentioned previously, we never went back.

He tried taking me to court for access but the judge ruled him unfit. I never saw him again. In 2010 he was jailed for life, he stabbed his partner with a kitchen knife, I hope the evil bastard rots and dies in there.

I have rebuilt my life, but the effects still linger, I am not the person I was before I met him, I trust very few people. I have undergone long term counselling twice, once directly after I left him, and once after he was jailed as it brought everything back to me.

I will never have a relationship again. I know I will be single for the rest of my life, probably be a mad cat woman, I just cannot do it, I am quite happy on my own.

So right back at the the beginning of this epic post, I said I was a mess. But I am not unhappy. I thank God for the blessings and good things I have, and that I got out when I did.

I am far happier talking to people on a forum than I am interacting in real life. I prefer the written word to conversing in person, I write a lot for pleasure, creative writing is my main hobby. I enjoy organising stuff for people to do, and just being daft and light hearted. I crave praise and people saying good stuff about me, because I have never had it in actual life. This is more than a little sad, but whatever gets you through eh...

(I think I'm done)