The ballad of Lee & Dave

Of all forum members that use Tea Eye Bee Bee
There are none with a mouth as foul as she
With a tongue sharp enough to kill or to hunt
Never misses an opportunity to call me a ******.

Her days of toilet 3somes will soon disappear
And STI’s dripping down her thighs like tears
to only one man she will make humanist pledges
No more sucking off strangers for Benson & Hedges

With more jimmies than LK could ever be rustlin’
Shouting at her kids “did you take a sh**e? That’s ******ing disgustin’”
Although everyman in Scotland has ridden this bike
It’s now time for them to all take a hike.

An Englishman is better – don’t let Dave settle for this
A Scottish scag head that’s always on the piss
Now I don’t want to raise an alarm
But the reason she’s shy to get out her arms
Is nothing to do with those bingo wings
It’s the giveaway needle marks – those little black rings
But all those dealers needed to be serviced
This is why she’s got more of a guesthouse than a cervix

So now we get to the crux of the matter
She needs someone as she gets older and fatter
Someone to wheel her between the kettle and the fridge
And change that monthly towel in her ungroomed ridge

There’s only one item that’s still outstanding
jus primae noctis – that wedding night pounding
I suggest a TIBB raffle – we could all buy a ticket
The prize? A sloppy, disease-laden wicket.

Although this poem, is dodgy in theme
I’m sure she’ll appreciate it when she moves to the scheme
If she’s ever single, and finds herself love-starvin’
She can pop next door, and snuggle with Marvin

But to them both, I wish only love and laughter
Not just in this life, but eternal hereafter
She really is a hell of a catch
If you don’t mind a girl with a cavernous snatch