[user104658]

Originally Posted by lostalex

I've dated a closeted guy before, toy soldier is right, it's not fun. It's a total mind****. It makes you feel like he's ashamed of you, and that he's ashamed of himself. It's a form of slavery. You don't know if you are allowed to touch him or hold his hand or talk about him or talk to his friends. It's like those stories you hear about women being locked in their house with the windows boarded up and totally cut off from the outside world. The closeted guy has all the power over what you can and cannot say, and to whom, and at what time and where you are allowed to show him affection.

Being in a relationship with a closeted person is a form of abuse imho.

The oddest part really is his "half in, half out" situation. They live in one city and he works in another, an hour's drive away. He basically is totally "out", with friends, family, and "their city"... they live together, go out (openly) together at night, are affectionate in public, just a normal relationship... but he keeps his "work life" totally separate and if he's in that other city, he's "back in the closet". He's worried about how he'll be treated at work and what it will mean for his career prospects... which is really depressing, must be a **** thing to have to consider because it obviously shouldn't matter. And he doesn't even know if it WOULD matter - he has no idea how they would react... it's just that he's heard a few making homophobic comments in passing. The reality is that they probably didn't "mean it" and would never have said it at all if they knew he was gay.

I wouldn't go so far as to call it abuse, I think his partner for the mostpart understands, but yeah, I imagine it still must sting to feel like a "dirty secret" even if it is only for that one part of his life. I also always think that, surely, he must always be keeping an eye out incase he spots someone from work when they're out... as it being another city doesn't mean it's impossible that he'll run into someone. Which means he surely can't ever be totally relaxed with public affection.