[Shaun]

WINNER: Monaco - MB. - "Banned" by Dezzy Rascal - 258pts (115 from judges, 143 from public)
2nd: Spain - Jake. - "Sweep Sweep" by Daley Perry - 246pts (103 from judges, 143 from public)
3rd: Estonia - Shaun - "Str8 Problems" by Carl Rae Jebend - 172pts (111 from judges, 132 from public)
4th: Croatia - Jamie89 - "F U Democrats" by Donald Trump - 172pts (78 from judges, 94 from public)
5th: Denmark - Josiah - "Ego" by Josiah Stuart - 166pts (81 from judges, 85 from public)
6th: Montenegro - Riley. - "Can't Fight the Mods" by Selena Vyle - 163pts (90 from judges, 73 from public)
7th: Ireland - Niamh - "It's Better in America" by The Ghosts of TiBB Past - 162pts (87 from judges, 75 from public)
8th: Cyprus - Ronald. - "Woo Her Tonight (The Ballad of Ron and Margaret)" by Ron and Margaret - 153pts (94 from judges, 59 from public)
9th: Sweden - T* - "Obsessed" by Charlie's Angels - 148pts (84 from judges, 64 from public)
10th: Lithuania - Babayaro. - "Anteater" by Funky Funky - 139pts (66 from judges, 73 from public)
----------------------------------
11th: Austria - Jarrod - "Free From My Debt" by Spends - 136pts (87 from judges, 49 from public)
12th: Azerbaijan - Dezzy - "Douze Points" by Coalitious - 117pts (63 from judges, 54 from public)
13th: France - Drew. - "Brothels in Marseille" by AW/FC - 111pts (53 from judges, 58 from public)
14th: Australia - SuperV - "Watching You Sleep" by Isiah Firerape - 66pts (45 from judges, 21 from public)
15th: Malta - Mystic Mock - "The Rock Song" by Psycho-Pass - 58pts (30 from judges, 28 from public)
16th: Romania - Nicky91 - "The TiBB Mods" by Mihai Traistariu - 56pts (24 from judges, 32 from public)
17th: Moldova - Adam. - "I am the Loser" by MD Unitied - 48pts (13 from judges, 35 from public)

[Jøsh]

Monaco slays

[Withano]

I gave MB my 10. Wd, Jake and everyone else

[Jamie89]

Excellent both great entries though. Well done everyone

[Shaun]

A cheeky encore...

Originally Posted by Shaun

For Monaco's biggest and boldest entry into the TiBB Eurovision Song Contest yet, producers planned to bring one of the greatest musical icons of our time out of retirement to represent them. Unfortunately, Samantha Mumba was unavailable, so they decided to pursue their second choice: a legendary singer and performer. But news is slow to reach Monaco, and it wasn't until late in the planning process that they were informed that Michael Jackson in fact died eight years ago. Thus, they had no choice but to call their only remaining hope...


[yes, that is actually the character from his avatar. I think]

Dezzy Rascal – "Banned"

To the tune of:

Spoiler:

Youtube video

[Dezzy makes his entrance by emerging from copious amounts of smoke. His hair somehow catches on fire during the process, prompting a crew member to climb on stage and extinguish the blaze. How very topical!]

the truth: [commenting from the side of the stage] did you know that men invented fire

[The music kicks in and Dezzy shows off some of his MJ dance moves, before quickly getting out of breath and taking a puff on his inhaler. Afterwards, he turns to a dartboard with a picture of the much-missed LeatherTrumpet’s face on it, the bullseye of which has been accurately hit each and every time. How odd.]

Your trumpet’s mine
You Scottish blight
Your leather spine
Didn’t last a night
[Dezzy then turns to a terrified crowd of Serious Debates & News regulars, probably wishing they had a safe space right about now]

I’m warning you
You shouldn’t bait
Or else you’ll meet
A similar fate
Shamone
[Shabnam from Big Brother 8 takes to the stage at this point, showing off the dance moves that she’s spent the best part of a decade rehearsing]

I’m giving you
A chance to see
Why you don’t mess
With a mod like me
[Dezzy wags his finger like the sexy headmistress he is at heart]

I’m telling you
I’ve sussed you out
I won’t listen
So
[Natasha Hamilton is wheeled on] YEH DON’T HAVE TEH SHOUT [Natasha Hamilton is wheeled off]

If I see another shit thread
About Madeleine McCann
Or a racist post on Brexit
Then I’ll slap you with a ban

Because you’re banned, you’re banned (really, really banned)
You know you’re banned, you’re banned
You know it (really bloody banned)
You know you’re banned, you’re banned
You’ve blown it (yes you’re really banned)
If you make a multi right about now
I’mma tell you once again
You’re banned
[Dezzy pulls a list of naughty TiBB members out of his G-string, like the sexy mall Santa he is at heart]

Let’s start with Alf
Who thinks he’s smart
Nothing rhymes with Alf
So let’s skip this part
Then Brillopad
Trying to impress
But I just blocked
His IP address
Remember that
Johnny paid the price
Since I’m the cat
And you’re the mice
[Dezzy licks the back of his hand and purrs a la George Galloway]

Now you see you're all pawns
In my bigger master plan
Just behave while I'm gone
'cause I’m off to Camber Sands
[Dezzy briefly pauses the song as his Uber driver mounts the stage, complaining that he’s been waiting outside for half an hour and he's running the meter up. After a brief dispute, they reach an agreement, Dezzy puts his suitcase in the boot and the car reverses off the stage, killing Shabnam in the process]

In the meantime, you’re banned, you’re banned (really, really banned)
So don’t take a stand, a stand
No, really (you’re actually banned)
While I’m off getting tanned, oh tanned
No, slightly (he gets more pink than tanned)
If you get your mum to send a shirty
e-mail to Josy then
You’re banned
[Dance break, by which I mean Dezzy breaks two hips and Natasha Hamilton's nose]

Now you quiver at my hammer
I see the fear that’s in your face
You can head to the TiBB slammer
Or I’ll ban you off to space

[Musical interlude, aka time to meet some common scum. First of all, Dezzy comes across a Victorian street urchin, played by Melissa McCarthy, stealing bread. "Please, sir, I am but an ‘umble Victorian street urchin, please do not ban me!" the Victorian street urchin pleads. "Banned!" bellows an uncaring Dezzy.]

[Dezzy then comes across a hot sexy woman, played by legendary thespian Sir Ben Kingsley, propositioning him with sex, which is now illegal for some reason. "Hello Dezzy I am hot sexy woman would you like to do the sex with me," the hot sexy woman growls. Dezzy does not give into his innermost desires and instead replies with a cold, hard "banned!"]

[Dezzy comes across Valentina. "This is a lip sync, we need to see your lips," Dezzy says, sternly but also very sexily. "I'd like to keep it on, please," Valentina whimpers, aware of the weight of Dezzy's bulging ban hammer. "Well then," Dezzy concludes. "I'm sorry my dear, but you're banned!"]

[Dezzy comes across Jermaine, Tito and LaToya Jackson, none of whom are supposed to be part of the performance. Security rush to the stage to remove them. "Actually, we find this all highly insulting to our brother’s legacy and would prefer it if you stopped immed-" the Jacksons begin, before being cut off by two words: "you're banned!"]

That’s right, you’re banned, you’re banned (really fucking banned)
Yes you’re still banned, you’re banned
Don’t moan bitch (how is this not clear already)
If you do I’ll extend your ban, your ban
To three months (four months if you’re bad)
I’ll ban the whole damn world anyhow
Bugger, here’s my Uber again
[the truth, having left whilst Dezzy was busy with all his ethnic movement, returns to the stage, now carrying a placard that reads “Wonder Woman? More like Liberal Cuck Safe Space Feminazi Man-Hating New Labour Snowflake Woman!” – having had to write very small to fit it all on]

Dezzy: Look, mate, I appreciate the craftsmanship, but I’ve got a song to finish here. Now, where was I?
the truth: it’s all killary’s fault
Dezzy: Oh yes, that’s right.

You’re banned!

[Jøsh]

I'd like to announce the British jury votes. Well, I say me, someone else wants to..

Spoiler:

Ah, hello. I've been expecting you.
It's time to guess the Briti- I mean tell you the British jury votes.

1 point: Monaco
2 points: Malta
3 points: Lithuania
4 points: Austria
5 points: Romania
6 points: Spain
7 points: Sweden
8 points: Denmark
10 points: Azerbaijan

and our 12 points go to....

Spoiler:

our nearest neighbour, Ireland!

Good night, Gdansk!

[Josiah.]

Congrats MB! Well Done, and you totally deserve 1st.

[MB.]

Erm... wow. I had a very humble speech prepared for when I came tenth, so this is a little bizarre. But thanks everyone. I'll make sure to give Dezzy his fair share of the prize money, so I hope he enjoys his 10p while it lasts

I also had a 'yaaaas' gif prepared for when Jake won, and I'm sure he would have done had he not also won last year, since that's the only reason I can think of that I somehow managed to beat him. But King Dale would be proud <3

[Ronald.]

Well done MB! Well done to everyone who took part!

Thrilled to have finished 4th with the judges vote!

R.

[MB.]

This has, as ever, been loads of fun to take part in so cheers to Shaun for running it so smoothly, and cheers to all you lot for being insane enough to write songs about stalking, crippling debt and Supermarket Sweep <3

Originally Posted by Jøsh

Monaco slays

Originally Posted by Withano

I gave MB my 10. Wd, Jake and everyone else

Originally Posted by Jamie89

Excellent both great entries though. Well done everyone

Originally Posted by Josiah.

Congrats MB! Well Done, and you totally deserve 1st.

Originally Posted by Ronald.

Well done MB! Well done to everyone who took part!

Thrilled to have finished 4th with the judges vote!

R.

Oh, stop it, you're too kind... (<3)

Originally Posted by Jamie89

Can I have a 'thank you darling' as well please MB

[T*]

Amazing work, MB
Amazing top 2!

[Shaun]

It'll be a very 'Monte Carlo Christmas' for TiBB Xmasvision 2017, but for now goodnight.

Thank you to Josiah, as always, for a lovely set of country icons, opening titles, and logo. To all other 16 people who submitted a song entry and made it a rather lovely event, all things considered, to the 9 judges and the 20 others who voted via PM.

Some little statistics for those who like such things:

- At various stages, the winners were Romania, Denmark, Spain, Estonia, Croatia and finally Monaco.

The following countries received "douze points" votes (I won't say who from):
Spain - 5
Denmark, Lithuania, Monaco - 3
Croatia, Montenegro - 2
Estonia, Moldova - 1*

If you're curious as to how many "different voters" each song received, be curious no longer:
Croatia - 13
Lithuania - 11
Monaco - 18
Sweden - 14
Estonia - 18
France - 10
Spain - 17
Austria - 10
Denmark - 15
Malta - 6
Montenegro - 11
Azerbaijan - 12
Ireland - 16
Romania - 6
Cyprus - 13
Moldova - 5
Australia - 5

And finally, this marks the first time out of 283 attempts that a song about Dezzy has won.

*not counting judges' votes.

[Josiah.]

MB, I like that AbFab gif.

[Morgan.]

Well done MB, you had my top points

[Lostie!]

Congratulations MB And well done everyone, there were so many brilliant entries once again.

[Jamie89]

Originally Posted by MB.

[Marsh.]

Omg well done MB.

Flawless entry.

[MB.]

Originally Posted by T*

Amazing work, MB
Amazing top 2!

Originally Posted by Blurryface

Well done MB, you had my top points

Originally Posted by Lostie!

Congratulations MB And well done everyone, there were so many brilliant entries once again.

Ta! (god, this smilie's getting a workout tonight, isn't it)

Originally Posted by Josiah.

MB, I like that AbFab gif.

It's an Ab Fab gif, of course you like it

[MB.]

Originally Posted by Marsh.

Omg well done MB.

Flawless entry.

Thanks I guess tbh imo

(I must have subliminally convinced people to vote for me with my avi, which means yay, propaganda works!)

[Jøsh]

Originally Posted by Jøsh

I'd like to announce the British jury votes. Well, I say me, someone else wants to..

Spoiler:

Ah, hello. I've been expecting you.
It's time to guess the Briti- I mean tell you the British jury votes.

1 point: Monaco
2 points: Malta
3 points: Lithuania
4 points: Austria
5 points: Romania
6 points: Spain
7 points: Sweden
8 points: Denmark
10 points: Azerbaijan

and our 12 points go to....

Spoiler:

our nearest neighbour, Ireland!

Good night, Gdansk!

Bump

[Wizard.]

Congrats to the top 2! Monaco here we come ladies!

[Jake.]

MB Massive congrats, deserved

Thanks so much for all the votes and to Shaun for hosting

[Shaun]

Originally Posted by Riley.

Congrats to the top 2

I'll just cry in a corner then

[MB.]

Thanks for the point Josh <3 And thanks to Riley, and Jake, aka the -insert name of any RTV runner-up who really should have won here- of TiBB Eurovision 2017

Fun fact: Monaco has a smaller population than Ramsgate, so I wouldn't hold my breath for a particularly huge turnout in the arena/theatre/marquee in a field come Christmasvision

[Jøsh]

Here for Monte Carlo 2017