[Maia]

A man walks into a bar. 999 is called.

[saigon]

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

the sick joke thread that ben locked >

[Alf]

what do you call the first asian to land in britain?

amir

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

idgi

[Kate!]

Originally Posted by Scott

idgi

say it to yourself Scott -

amir, ..am ere, .. I'm ere, .. I'm here!

[Visage]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ


The Mrs and I decided to go out for a night on the tiles last night, We walked past a swanky new restaurant in the Centre of Chester. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible ?"she commented I agreed, the smells were delicious. Being the nice guy I am I thought "Sod it I'll treat her" So we walked past it again.


So when Gary says Frankie Cocozza has been "really concentrating on his lines this week", it's not to do with his songs?

[fruit_cake]

why did the chewing gum cross the road?

Spoiler:

because it was stuck to the chicken!

[Fetch The Bolt Cutters]

o

[Visage]

Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
'It's not what it looks like', I pleaded.
'Well, what is it then?' she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
'A woman', I replied.

[saigon]

Originally Posted by Visage

Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
'It's not what it looks like', I pleaded.
'Well, what is it then?' she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
'A woman', I replied.

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by Visage

Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
'It's not what it looks like', I pleaded.
'Well, what is it then?' she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
'A woman', I replied.

I hear the kangaroo will be asked to eat Fatima's balls this year...

[Jords]

Originally Posted by Visage

Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
'It's not what it looks like', I pleaded.
'Well, what is it then?' she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
'A woman', I replied.

[MTVN]

Went to the doctors thinking I had a bit of a chest infection, he asked me to explain the symptoms, told him that Homer was a fat, bald yellow man and Marge was a lady with blue hair

I'm here all week

[Ammi]

How do you communicate with a fish?

........drop it a line

[InOne]

I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene.

Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing theatre needs, others that I ruined the nativity.

[Ramsay]

who are the nicest people in the hospital?
the ultrasound people

[Angus]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[MTVN]

I'm making a film about a guy who's broken his leg.. the plots not very good but there's an excellent cast

[King Gizzard]

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar, they then sit down and discuss the various political factors driving a wedge between unity, peace, harmony and understaning between their religions. They resolve that despite the differences in religious belief, essentially they are all the same, and want happy existences with family and friends, and that equality and peace between religions should be a prime focus of religious institutions and governments

[Me. I Am Salman]

Originally Posted by Nathan

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar, they then sit down and discuss the various political factors driving a wedge between unity, peace, harmony and understaning between their religions. They resolve that despite the differences in religious belief, essentially they are all the same, and want happy existences with family and friends, and that equality and peace between religions should be a prime focus of religious institutions and governments

[Angus]

A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange."

The second little boy says"Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK. Then I DEFINITELY **** my pants."

[Josy]

Originally Posted by Angus

A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange."

The second little boy says"Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK. Then I DEFINITELY **** my pants."

[InOne]

My blonde girlfriend was attempting a crossword.

She asked, "Any ideas what this is? I'm stuck. Opposite of easy, four letters starts with an H and ends with a D."

"That's Hard." I smiled.

"I know" She replied, "I've been stuck on it for hours."

[Lee.]

This one is exclusively for Locke

A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.
"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"
"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!