[Kazanne]

LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm

spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down
and told him 'Take me, young man.. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

[Jessica.]

[Niamh.]

[Kazanne]

[Kazanne]

A bit windy in Edinburgh

[Jessica.]

no

[Niamh.]

ahahahahahahahahahaha, the pope one is brilliant!

[Kazanne]

[Jessica.]

Originally Posted by kazanne

[joeysteele]

kazanne, you should be on the stage,and definately the Pope one is hilarious.

A great way to start the day, Thank you.

[setanta]

A blonde walks into a doctor's office. "Doc, I hurt all over," complains the blonde. She touches herself on the leg and winces. "ouch! I hurt there!" She touches her earlobe. "Ouch! I hurt there too!" She touches her hair. "Ouch! Even my hair hurts"

The doctor says, "You've got a broken finger..."

[Kazanne]

Originally Posted by setanta

A blonde walks into a doctor's office. "Doc, I hurt all over," complains the blonde. She touches herself on the leg and winces. "ouch! I hurt there!" She touches her earlob. "Ouch! I hurt there too!" She touches her hair. "Ouch! Even my hair hurts"

The doctor says, "You've got a broken finger..."

Last Request
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed
as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted,
and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give
him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

[Kazanne]

Doctors
A man, has a terrible car accident.and he has to have his leg amputated,when he comes round from the operation, The doctor says . I have some good news and some bad news. The patient says, alright what's the bad news. The doctor says I had to amputate your leg. The patient asks, what is the good news? the doctor replies,The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers. LMAO

[Kazanne]

Blonde at store
A blonde walks into a store and sees a t.v. that she wants. So she goes to the front desk and said "I would like to buy that tv." Then the clerk said, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." She comes back the next day with red hair and she asked for the tv. The clerk said, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." The day after that, she came back with black hair and asked for the tv. The clerk said, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes" The day after that she came back with green hair and asked for the tv. The clerk said, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." She said, "OK, good job, but how did you know I was a blonde?" The clerk says, "That's not a tv, that's a microwave."

[setanta]

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

[Kazanne]

Fred loses it and kills his wife,he buries her in the garden but leaves her bum sticking out,racked with guilt he told his best friend Tom,who didn't believe him,so he took Tom to look at what he had done,shocked at what he saw Tom asked Fred why he had left her bum sticking out,Fred replied that he had always wanted somewhere to park his bike,lol

[Kazanne]

[Iceman]

I hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become. I liked it when they were a bit more underground.

[Niamh.]

Originally Posted by Iceman

I hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become. I liked it when they were a bit more underground.

One of them is said to be distressed as he forgot to clock in for work

[sooty]

My Iraq Friend sent me this in email, she got it from somebody else, so some of you might have already read it somewhere but;

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

[Lucy.]

A man is driving along the road when he feels a car crashing into him from behind, in a fit of rage he jumps out the car and signals the blonde driver to get out of the car. Out she walks and looks at him. He gets a peice of chalk out his car and draws a circle on the ground, telling her to stand in it and not move under any circumstance. He walks over to her car and peirces all the tires, he hears her laughing. He gets even angrier and smashes the windows in, no surpise he hears her laughing again. In his final fit of rage he kicks in all the bodywork of the car. Once again he hears her giggling. He walks over to her and says, look what the **** is your problem? I've just mashed up your car and here you are laughing. She looks at him and replies, when you weren't looking I stepped out the circle three times

[GypsyGoth]

[Kazanne]

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Kazanne]

Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[Kazanne]

Subject: *** Cowboy Story ***




A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s... out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'