[Withano]

The Real Horoscope:

ARIES

Spoiler:

You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a **** about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding.

TAURUS

Spoiler:

Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI

Spoiler:

Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real ****ing weirdo, the type of person who'd kill themself to win a bet.

CANCER

Spoiler:

You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO

Spoiler:

The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO

Spoiler:

You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bull****ting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually gay and the majority of Virgo women are *****s.

LIBRA

Spoiler:

You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO

Spoiler:

You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You always have snot on your clothes.

SAGITTARIUS

Spoiler:

You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. You thrive on incest.

CAPRICORN

Spoiler:

You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centred **** and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS

Spoiler:

You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES

Spoiler:

You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

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