[Vicky.]

OK. I'm pretty sure this is not breaking the rules in anyway. If it is, feel free to delete it

I read this thread on DS and it had me really peeing myself laughing, but its a bit dirty, hence the no kids warning (that they will ignore anyway with me putting no under 16's in the title). I would hope (in my innocent mind) that no under 16s would even know what this thread was about...

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/forums/s....php?t=1349115

Originally Posted by Payne by name

Now I appreciate that giving oral sex is about being considerate and wanting to give something to your partner but I do sometimes wonder if women appreciate the difference between them fellating a bloke and us performing cunnilingus.

Okay on a bad occasion a woman might have to contend with a smelly/cheesy knob but a bit of spit, a vigorous rub with your hand or even on his belly and you can pop that baby in. Unless it’s gigantic or miniscule it’s reasonably easy to put in the mouth and there isn’t a danger that you’ll keep losing it. It’s either in your mouth or isn’t. We might worry about your teeth but your tongue won’t have to hyper extend itself to find it.

Being an extremity of the male form means you can use one hand to hold or steady it and the other to make sure it’s at the right angle for you. Your nose can remain free and clear away from the mans body, which allows you to breathe easily. As long as you don’t get carried away or have someone over eagerly pushing your head down you can limit the depth of intrusion and reduce the danger of gagging. Ultimately put, and simplified down to its core, if you’ve ever enjoyed licking a lolly you are going to be capable of giving a bloke an enjoyable experience.

For us blokes though it’s a little different. We have to put our face and breathing apparatus almost inside you. Unless we’re blessed with a foot long tongue, if we want to get right in there, our nose is going to be virtually in you. In many cases we’ll have to move hair aside to get to the prize, though some will still end up on our tongue and once through that will have to contend with the lips.

Yes we can give them a little nibble on the way in but again they are something else that needs to be moved aside meaning that your fingers will either need to possess the dexterity of a Harp player or you have the kind of facial and lip muscles that could move a chocolate from your forehead to your mouth with no hands.

Then there’s the taste. It’s sour, in most cases like popping a couple of old copper coins that got lost down the back of your sofa into your mouth. There’s also the smell. Again, it’s not always unpleasant but your senses are heightened so with your nose firmly planted in her gusset you are going to detect something. Granted a bloke could smell but at least you can keep that at arms, sorry knobs, length.

So you are going for it, licking the stamp and this in turn makes your mouth go dry which along with the dull ache forming at the base of your tongue only adds to the experience. Of course if you are doing your job right, you should be receiving all the lubricant you could need and she’ll be moaning like a Union leader.

That though brings its own problems in that the very area that feeds your lungs is now pressed deeply into something wet and sloppy and doesn’t facilitate the flow of air that well. Of course you could slightly pull away to breathe but just at that moment your tongue flicks across the magical ‘make them bark like a dog’ spot that you might find once a month and you are loathed to lose it.

The fun continues if you try to bring in the ‘point multiplier’ of some finger action. With all the hot spots located up and at the front, your hand has to go in palm up to allow your fingers to bend upwards, meaning that the heel of your palm is now effectively brushing along your chin and inexplicably feeling that your own body is trying to push your head further into her.

By the time you do pull away you look and feel like someone with a heavy cold who’s been apple dunking for 20 minutes but still not got the apple.

And whereas some women seem to like blowing you and then immediately want to kiss you as a demonstration of “look I’m noshing you off so you can taste what I am” I always feel it only right to trace a path up their body so at least the worse of the residue has been wiped off. Add to this a need to blow your nose and it isn’t any wonder that when you then look down your ‘chap’ has lost it’s earnest eagerness as blood and energy has been re-directed to preventing you from drowning.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still great to please a woman like that and I’m not whining. It was just an observation that giving oral sex to a woman is a little more challenging and although I’m sure more women ‘give head’ than men ‘plate’ this figure would be more equal if the practicalities of doing so where the same.

I think it was meant as a joke, as the OP does state this after being questioned. But still...

Edit. I think we really need an adults only section on this forum

[Captain.Remy]

"and reduce the danger of gagging"

LMAO so true

[Novo]

Can't be bothered reading all of that

[Niamh.]

I think as a few people on there suggested, he's gay and just doesn't know it yet!

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by Captain.Remy

"and reduce the danger of gagging"

LMAO so true

Its the 'In many cases we’ll have to move hair aside to get to the prize' that got me tbh

How much hair would need to be there

[Captain.Remy]

Originally Posted by Niamhxo

I think as a few people on there suggested, he's gay and just doesn't know it yet!

You might be right. It's just a skill to get to be honest. Of course it ain't easy the first time (just as it ain't easy for girls on a boy).

Or, he's a virgin.

[Twilight]

'In many cases we’ll have to move hair aside to get to the prize' ROFL

[Locke.]

Get out Twilight you dope

[Shaun]

goodness.

[Twilight]

Originally Posted by Locke.

Get out Twilight you dope

Nahh xD that one of the best time i have ever read, tbh.

[GiRTh]

'By the time you do pull away you look and feel like someone with a heavy cold who’s been apple dunking for 20 minutes but still not got the apple.' LMAO. So true.

[Jessica.]

[Tom]

100% spot on tbh

Although theres no fun in not deepthroating

But giving it to a woman isn't that difficult anyway, you just sort of know what to do but you get better with time. A bit like riding a bike (so to speak)

[arista]

"Edit. I think we really need an adults only section on this forum "


well Vicky you would need to pay for it.

Ref: The owners latest post.

[Mystic Mock]

thats longer to read than patricks good bye thread.

[Shasown]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

Its the 'In many cases we’ll have to move hair aside to get to the prize' that got me tbh

How much hair would need to be there

Kind of reminds me of the woman in a song from years gone by:

THE MAYOR OF BAYSWATER
Tune: The Ashgrove

The mayor of Bayswater,
He has a pretty daughter.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

Chorus
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees (pause)
One black one, one white one
And one with a bit of ****e on
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

If she was my daughter
I d have them cut shorter
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
She went down to Woolongong
Where they told her they were much too long
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

I ve smelt it I ve felt it
It s just like a bit of velvet.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
I know them, I ve seen them
I ve been in between them.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

She married a Spaniard
With a ***** like a bloody lanyard~
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
She married an Italian
With a ***** like a bloody stallion,
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

It would take a coal miner
To find her vagina.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees.
She bangs just like a dunnie door
But she comes back for more and more
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

[Claymores]

VICKY - I like how the thread title you chose was SURE to become a magnet for the 14-15 year old members

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by Claymores

VICKY - I like how the thread title you chose was SURE to become a magnet for the 14-15 year old members

I couldnt actually think of anything that would keep them out. So kinda chose to have a warning in the first post...so as not to get into trouble for posting filthy threads

[Claymores]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

I couldnt actually think of anything that would keep them out. So kinda chose to have a warning in the first post...so as not to get into trouble for posting filthy threads

I'm just winding you

[Jordan.]

*enters thread in just because i can*

Cba to read all that

*leaves*