I just wanted to get a few opinions on this opening. The character is actually narrating this part, as they will to each new chapter [the first chapter will the only one that has such a long intro]. They're narrating like Mary-Alice Young does Desperate Housewives.

Don't crucify me, it's one of my first attempts and I'm fully aware of it's probably utter crap. But I don't know, what do you think...

We’re all guilty of it: Guilty of judging someone. That preconceived notion when you look at someone. It may only take a second, but that second, based on no real evidence, will influence the treatment of that person. Why do we do this? We do this to protect ourselves; it’s a natural instinct.

That blonde twenty-something woman with the Starbucks cup in her hand; a phone on her ear and a file under her arm, she’s going somewhere. She leads a busy life – she has a one-bedroom apartment in the heart of the city and a loving fiancé. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. That blonde twenty-something woman with the Starbucks cup in her hand is desperately seeking her way out of an abusive relationship. You’d be forgiven for thinking the former; it was our judgement that proved to be wrong.

It is only a first draft and needs some re-working. I'm just going to shut up now. I've never showed anyone my writing. LOL.

[GypsyGoth]

I liked it, good opening. I would liked it to be a bit more chatty.

I'd change this "Why do we do this? We do this to protect ourselves; it’s a natural instinct. "

To something like;

Why do we do this? Maybe it's a natural instinct to protect ourselves, or maybe it's to simplify our hectic lives, or give us some control over who we encounter.

Originally Posted by mathews220

I'm fully aware of it's probably utter crap.

Also try and not put things like this with your writing.

And I hope I don't seem too bossy. I think what you wrote was evocative and has potential.

Originally Posted by GypsyGoth

I liked it, good opening. I would liked it to be a bit more chatty.

I'd change this "Why do we do this? We do this to protect ourselves; it’s a natural instinct. "

To something like;

Why do we do this? Maybe it's a natural instinct to protect ourselves, or maybe it's to simplify our hectic lives, or give us some control over who we encounter.



Also try and not put things like this with your writing.

And I hope I don't seem too bossy. I think what you wrote was evocative and has potential.

Ahh, cheers . Thanks for the constructive criticism. What you've said makes sense, and no, you're not bossy at all lol.

[Benjamin]

Agreed with GG on the sentence. Just adds a bit more depth into the story.

Originally Posted by ukturtle

Agreed with GG on the sentence. Just adds a bit more depth into the story.

Cheers for your feedback (y)

I honestly thought I'd get crucified on here lol.

[Benjamin]

You're safe in the Creative writing section, the trolls don't make it here.

Originally Posted by ukturtle

You're safe in the Creative writing section, the trolls don't make it here.

Ahaha, good to know

[Stu]

Honestly I really don't see the need to patronize the reader by trying to sound intelligent with the awkward Dr. Phil stuff in the opening sentences. Just tell the story and let the psychology of it speak for itself. It doesn't need to be there.

You don't see J.K. Rowling start off a chapter of Harry Potter And The Law Of Diminishing Returns with something like 'Here's my analysis : Voldemort's clearly a bit of a tit and Harry has those issues we see in most adolescent boys, anyway ... back to the story'.

Originally Posted by Stu

Honestly I really don't see the need to patronize the reader by trying to sound intelligent with the awkward Dr. Phil stuff in the opening sentences. Just tell the story and let the psychology of it speak for itself. It doesn't need to be there.

You don't see J.K. Rowling start off a chapter of Harry Potter And The Law Of Diminishing Returns with something like 'Here's my analysis : Voldemort's clearly a bit of a tit and Harry has those issues we see in most adolescent boys, anyway ... back to the story'.

True, but it is a fairly unique way of telling a story I think.

[Stu]

It's not telling the story though. The story tells the story. What you are doing is dissecting it which is the readers job. It's like you are paranoid about the reader not getting it so you feel the need to establish far too quickly and at the expense of creative language what is going on.

Books should be enjoyable to read and you should slowly sink into the story and enjoy reading it. They shouldn't be like a hammer hit to the head in the first few sentences shouting at the reader 'THIS IS THE BUSY WOMAN BECAUSE SHE DRINKS COFFEE AND IS ON THE PHONE BUT IN FACT SHE IS NOT HAPPY AND ALL IS NOT AS IT SEEMS SO YOU ARE WRONG AND THATS HOW THE HUMAN BRAIN TRIPS UP SOMETIMES. KINDA NEAT, HUH?'.

I sound a right pretentious wanker I know but that's the way I feel about it. I'm sure others feel differently. Grab any novel off your shelf and see do any of them start like that. The novel takes a few pages usually to even establish anything profound. Count the amount of descriptive words used per point made versus what you have.

[Benjamin]

Originally Posted by Stu

Honestly I really don't see the need to patronize the reader by trying to sound intelligent with the awkward Dr. Phil stuff in the opening sentences. Just tell the story and let the psychology of it speak for itself. It doesn't need to be there.

You don't see J.K. Rowling start off a chapter of Harry Potter And The Law Of Diminishing Returns with something like 'Here's my analysis : Voldemort's clearly a bit of a tit and Harry has those issues we see in most adolescent boys, anyway ... back to the story'.

Please never compare writing to JK Rowling.

Her style is fantasy writing (not very good either others do it better, she just happened to be the lucky writer lapped up by the world).

[Mystic Mock]

Originally Posted by mathews220

I just wanted to get a few opinions on this opening. The character is actually narrating this part, as they will to each new chapter [the first chapter will the only one that has such a long intro]. They're narrating like Mary-Alice Young does Desperate Housewives.

Don't crucify me, it's one of my first attempts and I'm fully aware of it's probably utter crap. But I don't know, what do you think...



It is only a first draft and needs some re-working. I'm just going to shut up now. I've never showed anyone my writing. LOL.

it sounds quite good,the only problem i have with it is when you say twenty-something years old.

i dont know why but it just doesnt sound right in a story.

[Stu]

Originally Posted by ukturtle

Please never compare writing to JK Rowling.

Her style is fantasy writing (not very good either others do it better, she just happened to be the lucky writer lapped up by the world).

She's not the greatest writer in the world, no, but I wanted to use an obvious example anyone reading that post could relate to.

I don't see what the genre of the story has to do with the advice I was given, which was very much generalized and not targetted at a specific type of story.

I do like her work though. It takes a superior imagination to come up with what she has and her writing is easy to read whilst still being entertaining and highly visual. Remember the book is writen to be readable by kids.

She does a fine job. Far, far from being a terrible writer or someone who just 'got lucky'.

To be fair, I've never read the Harry Potter books. Not to say I don't read, it's just HP has never appealed to me.

[Mystic Mock]

Originally Posted by mathews220

To be fair, I've never read the Harry Potter books. Not to say I don't read, it's just HP has never appealed to me.

tbh ive only watch the harry potter films,thats why i dont get the controversy behind them.

[Shaun]

I like the idea (of misconceptions) but the idea of a narrator posing questions is a bit cheesy. I think the second paragraph is fine, but the first could be shortened to "It may only take a second, but that second, based on no real evidence, will influence the treatment of that person." only changing the last clause...perhaps:

"It may only take a second, but that second, based on no real evidence, will influence our treatment of a person."