[Z]

Chapter 3

Dean clambered back up the tree and collected his hologram machine. He started to climb back down, to head North, but once he was back down on the ground, he realised that MarkWaldorf hadn’t left the clearing like everyone else had.

“Hi? Can I help you?” Dean asked, gripping his (lol) hologram machine tightly.

“Hi, you know, I was just wondering where you got that hologram machine?”

“Oh it was my mom’s in the sixties.”

“Vintage, I love it!”

“Thanks!” Dean smiled appreciatively at Mark, and then began to walk away. Mark produced what looked like a gun and aimed it at Dean’s back. He fired it, and shards of glass exploded out of the barrel, and many of these shards became embedded in Dean’s back. Dean fell to the ground, crying out in pain, and MarkWaldorf walked towards him triumphantly.

“I always wanted one of these,” Mark said as he walked towards Dean, talking about the hologram machine. “They’re so fetch.”

Mark felt cool and calm as he walked towards Dean, who was mumbling in pain, and as he walked around Dean to prise the hologram machine from his fingers, Dean rolled over and smacked Mark across the face with the heavy machinery. Mark hit the ground instantly, bleeding profusely.

“Mother****er!” Mark shouted angrily, his nose bleeding heavily.

“Yeah my weapon can multitask, what can yours do?” Dean made a compulsory penis joke.

Mark angrily fired his glass gun at Dean, causing shards of glass to hideously disfigure Dean’s face; which in turn absolutely scared the **** out of Mark ‘cause, you know, ugly people are gross. Dean responded by crashing his hologram machine down on top of Mark, crushing his arm, and Mark fired the gun again, the force of the short range shot causing Dean to fly back and hit the ground – the glass that had been in his back now forced further into his body. Dean could not even scream in pain, and he knew he was dying, but he couldn’t let MarkWaldorf of all people have a hologram machine, who knew what kind of untold horrors would occur if Mark had one? I don’t know, actually, Mark what would you do if you had a hologram machine? Hm, might start a thread on that... Uh, yeah. Dean forcibly pushed himself up onto his feet, and Mark looked appalled that he was still fighting. Dean kicked the glass gun out of Mark’s hand, caught it in mid air, spun around and shot his hologram machine with the glass gun. The hologram machine exploded theatrically, and a huge fireball erupted into the sky just because if this ever gets turned into a film it would have to have one. Dean continued to pirouette and turned back around to fire the gun at MW, but MW had started charging towards Dean (all of this is in slo-mo, obv) and slammed into Dean before he could get off (HAHA) a shot. Dean hit the ground, the glass driving into him further and instantly killing him. MarkWaldorf started taking protein shakes and drinking beer COZ HE IZ A MANLY MAN no but yeah but no. Mark rolled off Dean (I am a terrible person, Dean’s dead and I still made a sex joke...) and picked himself up off the floor. He’d just made his first kill.

Caitlin had been blessed with a sniper rifle. Admittedly the bullets she had for it were only rubber, and were not nearly as likely to kill someone as a real bullet, but if she scored a hit, it would be critical. She had been confused at first by the entire situation, mostly because she had been sitting on TiBB until about 4am the night before, and had reached that stage where your body’s gone to sleep but your eyes are still open – you all know what I’m talking about, you know, the feeling that you don’t actually have a life to live anymore, your entire purpose is to just sit and talk in The Den or The Brotherhood or The Lounge until your face falls off and Japan becomes an acceptable name for a cat... Sorry, I got carried away there. Cleft. Anyway, Caitlin had been on TiBB until the early hours, and then all of a sudden she woke up on this strange island, sniper rifle in tow. She had found the picture and had felt physically sick at the thought of killing people, but then she realised that she was, for all intents and purposes, defending herself. She was in the middle of nowhere, with fifteen other people who were in the same situation as her, why shouldn’t it be a dog eat dog self defence scenario? So, Caitlin threw caution to the wind, and started to take things seriously very quickly. She had been annoyed when she missed the shot at James and Shaun, but it had them running scared. Caitlin’s weapon was of no use from short range, she had to stay hidden in the shadows and bide her time to survive. She had been traipsing through the jungle in vain, in her search for somebody to kill. She had been heading to the north of the island, and had eventually stopped walking and had climbed up a tree.

Caitlin had not expected anybody to come anywhere near her, or at least, not as soon. Nor did she expect the one person she really wanted to kill to appear – Christina. Christina was a lovely girl, even Caitlin could admit that, but the reason she wanted to kill her so badly was because she just couldn’t cope with the thought of other women muscling in on her territory – namely, 30stone. Ben. If Caitlin could only just win this, she would be in the moderating team with Ben. She, not Christina, or Brona, or any other dangerously close to being jailbait Ben you should probably stop talking to Stefani I think she’s like five btw just warning you....... um, did you just hear that? No? So anyway, Caitlin and Caitlin alone would be on the mod team with Ben, and she could finally make her move. She began to silently insert (lololol) bullets into her sniper rifle, and then carefully took aim at Christina. Christina noticed Caitlin in the nick of time, and with her incredible knowledge of how to work her camera, she turned on the flash, aimed at Caitlin and clicked the button. The blinding flash of Christina’s camera impaired Caitlin’s vision, and she fired off a shot that went wide. Caitlin toppled out of the tree, taking her sniper rifle with her. She managed to roll as she landed; taking the edge off the impact, but her sniper rifle skittered away from her. Christina ran towards Caitlin and kicked her in the side of the head as she tried to get up, launching Caitlin backwards. Caitlin scrambled to her feet and ducked Christina’s fist (FIST HAHAHAHAHAHA yeah I don’t really know any boundaries) and (donkey?)punched Christina on the back of the neck (yeah.. yeah donkey punch.. oh baby yeah). Christina fell to the ground, quickly rolled over and hacked at Caitlin’s shins with her feet, flooring Caitlin as well. The two girls rolled about in the mud on the ground together, tearing each other’s clothes and... oh boy, brb.

...1 minute later...

Sorry, I was uh... busy... What do you mean I was only away for a minute? It was like ten minutes! No, I’m not one of those people who ‘gets a little bit excited too early’, how dare you! I don’t even know what you’re talking about, I had to... uh, feed my cat! What do you mean I was on webcam and you saw the whole thing? What?! Noooooooo!

“You’re a bitch!” Caitlin shrieked at Christina, trying hard to get to her sniper rifle; but Christina kept knocking Caitlin down; and when Christina tried to grab it, Caitlin would stop her. Eventually, Christina got to the sniper rifle, grabbing the butt (XXXtina strikes again)of the rifle and swinging it round to hit Caitlin on the head; but Caitlin ducked out of harm’s way, and did a legsweep that sent Christina clattering to the ground. Caitlin scooped up the rifle and fired at Christina’s head from extremely close range. Even though it was only a rubber bullet; that didn’t stop it from killing poor Christina – and Caitlin was covered in her blood. Caitlin stepped away from Christina’s dead body, and then, as a sickening afterthought, she picked up Christina’s camera, took a picture and walked away... fapfapfapfapfap.

Shaun didn’t appreciate being ignored for this long in the story, so it turns out he found an elephant in the wilderness, trained it to juggle while farting the theme tune to Friends and took it on tour to Cape Verde and the Canary Islands. So that’s what he’s been up to for the last couple of chapters. Due to an unforeseen series of unfortunate events, he ended up back on the island, mere hours after he had discovered the elephant, because life’s twisted like that. So Shaun continued to trek through the jungle, without a weapon, it seemed. He eventually came across the dead bodies of Dean and Nicky (I thought I knew you, man... that **** is disgusting) in the clearing, and wondered what had happened to them. He shrugged the question off, and kept walking. After some time, Shaun realised that there were footprints beneath where he was walking – he had been inadvertently following somebody. He became very wary, as he still didn’t know what or where his weapon was, so he started to creep carefully. He thought to himself who am I going to find? Lauren would ****ing batter me. Shaun heard the caterwauli- no, no, he heard the siren call of five sultry voices, or was that six? Shaun fell into a trance-like state as he walked towards the source of the music. It sounded like Girls Aloud, but something wasn’t quite right... Shaun finally drew close enough to the music to realise that he had fallen into a trap – Doug had been playing the music to entice the other competitors, but so far only Shaun had appeared. He wondered why nobody else had been drawn to the music. Maybe he’d chosen the wrong song? Untouchable hadn’t charted high, but it was still a good song, wasn’t it?


“No, it isn’t a good song, I’m only drawn towards it because I wanted to turn it off.” Shaun answered Doug’s thoughts, which was strange because Shaun can’t hear thoughts. Or can he...? That’s a scary concept. WHAT AM I THINKING OF RIGHT NOW SHAUN!? Ha, I knew you didn’t know.


“Well it worked, now I’m going to kill you!” Doug cackled, and suddenly morphed into a leather one piece suit.


“Oh.” Shaun sighed, as his outfit morphed into an Easter bunny outfit.


“What the ****?” Doug asked, before running towards Shaun, kicking off the ground and doing a back flip.

Doug was only mid flip when Shaun lunged forward and headbutted him. Doug’s flip was an EPIC FAIL and he crumpled into a heap on the ground. Shaun quite calmly then sat on Doug’s face (hehehe) and suffocated him, and a cameraman filmed it and posted it on RedTube, ‘cause it involves leather, suffocation and bunny outfits, just the kind of thing you’re looking for on that site, you know? Doug struggled, he really did, but his attempts to escape from underneath the sadistic bunny Shaun were futile. If you can imagine it, all you can see of Doug from a side on view is his flailing arms and legs, and Shaun has this really uninterested look on his face and the bunny suit is white with a pink stomach and pink ears. Got it? Yeah, pretty ****in’ hysterical, isn’t it?

I’m Ron Burgundy?

End of Chapter 3.