[Jack_]

Gender-Neutral or Wishful Thinking?
May 30, 2011
By Ulli K. Ryder

Can we raise gender-neutral children? A Toronto couple is attempting to do just that. Kathy Witterick and David Stocker have decided to allow their third child, Storm, to decide which gender he or she identifies with. This has caused some confusion. It is a basic impulse for people to approach the parents of babies and ask “So, is it a boy or girl?” It is very unusual for the parents to reply, as this couple does, “We’ve decided not to share Storm’s sex for now…” Many people applaud their decision and support the belief – gender equality – underlying the decision. A Facebook page has been created in support of the family. On the other hand, many people have expressed outrage over their decision and believe withholding this information is akin to child abuse. One man is so upset that he has created a Facebook page in opposition to this couple and has threatened to report them to child abuse investigators. At this time, the support page has twice as many “friends” as the opposition page.

Scholars have demonstrated that gender, like race, is socially constructed. While there are biological differences between males and females (such as their sex organs), the meaning of gender is a social construction. The values placed on males or females are dependent upon a number of factors which change over time. For example, we once thought that education would ruin women for wifehood and motherhood. Some scholars went so far as to suggest that women’s wombs would shrink if they exercised their brains. This was, in the end, proven false and exposed as just another way to keep women ignorant and subservient to men.

This Toronto couple are not the first to try to raise a gender-neutral child. The Discovery Health website lists gender-neutral parenting as one of its Top 10 Radical Parenting Methods and suggests that there is “movement” made up of like-minded parents who wish to circumvent traditional gender constructions by altering their parenting methods. Such parents eschew the usual pink or blue color scheme for nurseries; give toy trucks and baby dolls to both male and female children; and refuse to disclose the biological sex of their offspring. The problem is that we do not live in a gender-neutral world.

These parents readily admit that their biologically male children often prefer toy trucks and footballs and that feminine-acting males face bullying and teasing when they start school. We still expect females to be more nurturing and males to be tough and strong. Just as knowing that race is social construction does not immediately dismantle racism in our society, knowing that gender is a social construction does not eliminate sexism. But it does raise important questions about how children are socialized: How do baby boys and baby girls (who, as far as we know, do not think about their gender any more than they think about race) learn to be women and men? While parents may try to raise children in gender-neutral ways, is this really possible and do gender dynamics exist within families that have not been addressed? What happens when the children start to interact with others who have not been raised in gender-neutral households? What is the effect of the media or the school system on children’s gender identity? We do know that gender is not simply biology. We know that interactions, within and outside the home, forge gender (and other) identities. How can these couples shield their children from the sexism and gendered expectations that pervade every segment of our society?

The coverage of the Toronto couple, and parents like them, exposes biases within our media (and perhaps within ourselves). Articles about this couple are quick to point out that baby Storm was born “in a pool of water at home” and that his mother was attended by midwives. In addition, they disclose that Witterick home-schools her children (Storm has 2 older brothers) and that even her home-schooling does not conform to traditional home-schooling methods. In short, Storm’s parents – particularly his mother – are discussed in the press as if they are kooks. The truth is that home-birth is not a weird thing. Until the advent of modern medicine almost all babies were born at home. Home births are on the rise in the US – increasing 20% between 2004-2008. Even water births – while still not common – are becoming increasingly popular, are available in some hospitals and are often covered by insurance if done at home. Finally, home-schooling has become a viable alternative to over-crowded, underfunded schools and is not the fringe movement it once was. In 2007, 1.7 million children were home-schooled and researchers believe that number has continued to grow.

It is unlikely that Witterick and Stocker will be able to keep Storm’s gender undisclosed forever. He or she will begin to exhibit gender-identifying traits as part of the normal process of getting older. Hormones will cause Storm’s face and body to change; his or her gender identity will no longer be shielded by the androgyny of babyhood. Although Storm will likely be homeschooled like his or her siblings, Witterick and Stocker will not be able to keep this child away from all media or social interactions with others who will make assumptions and have expectations based on their own beliefs about gender roles.

Gender-neutral parenting may have limitations and, so far, it has not drastically altered gender relationships in society at large. But by raising children without gender assumptions, these parents may be working towards dismantling traditional gender roles. Their children, and those with whom they come into contact, will at the very least be forced to consider how and why they hold certain views of gender. Just as we have constructed gender over time, gender-neutral parenting may be part of deconstructing it in the future.

Source

I find it quite a fascinating and liberating idea.

[Apple202]

obvs a boy if it's called Storm

[InOne]

A very hard thing to get my head around. Don't think I'll ever see stuff like that as normal.

[Kizzy]

How to mess your kids mind up in easy stages.... pffft!

I saw a docu on this it was redic.

[Smithy]

Originally Posted by Apple202

obvs a boy if it's called Storm

Xmen storm was a girl

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by Kizzy

How to mess your kids mind up in easy stages.... pffft!

Yeah...I try to be openminded about stuff..but this was my first thought when I read the OP :/

[Kizzy]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

Yeah...I try to be openminded about stuff..but this was my first thought when I read the OP :/

And the poor kid has two older brothers... I would say this is some problem of the mothers, I think she had her heart set on a girl and if she doesn't tell anyone that storm is a boy she can carry on the delusion.

[Ninastar]

I don't think it's fair in this day and age. Not for the kid anyway

[Marsh.]

But that's just stupid.

Doesn't make any sense and confuses children right from the start.

You are either a boy or a girl. Whether you grow up to wish you were the other gender is another matter entirely.

[MTVN]

Umm no I think it's best to raise the child as their biological sex, bringing them up as "gender neutral" would be an unnecessarily confusing and probably traumatic experience for the kid and hinder their chance to enjoy their childhood

[Jack_]

Originally Posted by Kizzy

And the poor kid has two older brothers... I would say this is some problem of the mothers, I think she had her heart set on a girl and if she doesn't tell anyone that storm is a boy she can carry on the delusion.

Yeah, this is one case. I only used that article because it was the best one I found. Let's try and refrain from lumping all parents that carry this out into a particular assumption-based category.

This is quite good a piece that dispels some qualms people have with the idea - 5 Myths About Gender Neutral Parenting

It's about liberating the child and enabling them to make their own choices and decide how they wish to live their life from as early an age as possible. By raising them in an environment free from stereotypes, they are not forced into living a particular way, adhering to certain gender norms and behaviours or liking particular things...they are free. I accept that this opens the doors for bullies to take advantage - but that's an argument that is regularly applied to gay adoption - the point is, the movement has to start somewhere, the only way the world will become as liberal as possible is by progressive moments pushing boundaries. Eventually, the more people that hop on the bandwagon, the more it is normalised and as such, the possibility of issues like bullying is completely eradicated.

There are evidently issues that need to be addressed, but I think that it's an interesting idea all the same. It doesn't need to be as radical as the article in the OP, like refusing to tell people the sex of the child. It can simply be dressing the child in non blue and pink clothes, and buying them both Action Man and Barbie dolls. I don't really see an issue with that - it's ridiculous to just prolong this ongoing circle of 'boys must dress in blue and like football' and 'girls must love pink and be compassionate one'. That in itself leads to as many problems as gender neutral parenting does.

[Marsh.]

Originally Posted by Jack_

Yeah, this is one case. I only used that article because it was the best one I found. Let's try and refrain from lumping all parents that carry this out into a particular assumption-based category.

This is quite good a piece that dispels some qualms people have with the idea - 5 Myths About Gender Neutral Parenting

It's about liberating the child and enabling them to make their own choices and decide how they wish to live their life from as early an age as possible.

Kizzy was only commenting on that one mother, as she mentioned the older siblings.

It's not allowing a child to make their own choice. You're born the way you are.

If you're born with white skin, you're white. If you're born a girl, you're a girl. There is no choice.

If you decide later in life to change genders that's fair enough but it doesn't change the actual fact that you were born one specific gender. Confusing children from the start is basically telling them from the beginning "You're not going to like how you were born".

[Ninastar]

Honestly there's not much gender stereo typing that goes on anymore. Not in the UK anyway. Boys can play with dolls and dress up in dresses if they want to at the nursery I work at. Hell I think a lot of the time they like it more than the girls same goes for girls though, they play with cars and dirt and all the 'boy' stereotypes too.

[Jack_]

Originally Posted by 08marsh

Kizzy was only commenting on that one mother, as she mentioned the older siblings.

It's not allowing a child to make their own choice. You're born the way you are.

If you're born with white skin, you're white. If you're born a girl, you're a girl. There is no choice.

You do understand that there is a difference between sex and gender though, don't you? Sex is the biological fact and gender is the social construct.

Then again I recall you making transphobic comments in the past so perhaps you're not the best person to discuss this issue with.

[InOne]

Originally Posted by Jack_

Yeah, this is one case. I only used that article because it was the best one I found. Let's try and refrain from lumping all parents that carry this out into a particular assumption-based category.

This is quite good a piece that dispels some qualms people have with the idea - 5 Myths About Gender Neutral Parenting

It's about liberating the child and enabling them to make their own choices and decide how they wish to live their life from as early an age as possible. By raising them in an environment free from stereotypes, they are not forced into living a particular way, adhering to certain gender norms and behaviours or liking particular things...they are free. I accept that this opens the doors for bullies to take advantage - but that's an argument that is regularly applied to gay adoption - the point is, the movement has to start somewhere, the only way the world will become as liberal as possible is by progressive moments pushing boundaries. Eventually, the more people that hop on the bandwagon, the more it is normalised and as such, the possibility of issues like bullying is completely eradicated.

There are evidently issues that need to be addressed, but I think that it's an interesting idea all the same. It doesn't need to be as radical as the article in the OP, like refusing to tell people the sex of the child. It can simply be dressing the child in non blue and pink clothes, and buying them both Action Man and Barbie dolls. I don't really see an issue with that - it's ridiculous to just prolong this ongoing circle of 'boys must dress in blue and like football' and 'girls must love pink and be compassionate one'. That in itself leads to as many problems as gender neutral parenting does.

The thing is, kids become their own people anyway. It just seems a bit over the top to go that far. They will obviously gravitate towards what other boys/girls do because when they make friends trends will pop up and what not. Society will have the most impact, the parents can only do so much. It's almost like you're creating problems that aren't there.

[lostalex]

I'd just try to expose my children to as much as possible, despite gender stereotypes, and encourage them in the things they took an interest in. I don't know if that's the same thing as trying to be "gender neutral", but that would be my philosophy as a parent.

I saw an interesting article the other day about 2 tribes in Africa, one where the men traditionally grow their hair in long dreadlocks and color them red with mud, and the women traditionally shave their heads. And another tribe in Africa is the exact oppossite, the women grow the long dred locks, and the men traditionally shave their heads.

It's just about tradition really. There is nothing that is inherently masculine or inherently feminine.

[Marsh.]

Originally Posted by Jack_

Then again I recall you making transphobic comments in the past so perhaps you're not the best person to discuss this issue with.

Did I? Link to it.

What qualifies you as someone able to discuss it? Bring it on a public forum and we can all discuss it.

I'm not against transsexuals, I just think if people are free to explore then they find their own way.

This type of thing is like immediately instilling ideas in their head and confusion as opposed to allowing them to figure out for themselves.

I liken it to a mother who bought her 13 year old a voucher to get a boob job when she's 18. Immediately telling your child "You won't be happy with your boobs, you'll want to change your body" before they've even fully developed physically and mentally.

[swinearefine]

I completely agree with gender-neutral parenting, and I have arguments with my family on the regular about how my nieces are being raised and what sexist bastards they and everyone except for me is in general. At the same time I think it's pretty douchey to make it a point to not say the sex of your child... doing that kind of highlights gender... just ignore gender stereotypes and raise the kid to be open-minded.

[Marsh.]

^^^ Yeah, I agree with not forcing your son to take up footie just because he's a boy or not automatically thinking your daughter will like all things fluffy and pink but making it an actual point to not do things is another extreme.

Just leave them be.

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by 08marsh

^^^ Yeah, I agree with not forcing your son to take up footie just because he's a boy or not automatically thinking your daughter will like all things fluffy and pink but making it an actual point to not do things is another extreme.

Just leave them be.

Yup. Agreed.

I didnt think people still did things like that tbh anyway (forcing boys to play football, expecting all girls to like barbie..that kinda thing)

[Jack_]

Originally Posted by InOne

The thing is, kids become their own people anyway. It just seems a bit over the top to go that far. They will obviously gravitate towards what other boys/girls do because when they make friends trends will pop up and what not. Society will have the most impact, the parents can only do so much. It's almost like you're creating problems that aren't there.

Of course society has the most impact, that's the point of it, to kill these predetermined gender roles that everybody is just automatically meant to sign up to. But there are problems with this, people that fall outside of the gender binary and wish not to identify themselves as one particular gender face all sorts of psychological issues.

These two blogs explain the distinction between sex and gender that people must first comprehend before they can fully understand gender neutral parenting. I would really recommend everyone reading these, they explain it very well and articulate it better that I'll be be able to in this topic.

http://genderbinary.wikidot.com/livi...without-labels

http://genderbinary.wikidot.com/gend...y-outside-mold

[swinearefine]

I think the problem is less that parents forcing their kids to do gender-specific things, and more that kids are more inclined to perform these gender-specific things because since birth they've had it instilled in their minds that they are a certain gender, they are different from the other gender, that there is a set of rules for this gender that everyone follows, and that to be accepted in society you follow these rules. There's usually no need to force a girl to wear make-up, for example, because she's known since a very young age that that's what a girl does and that to be accepted she would have to do it.

[Kizzy]

Has anyone even bothered to ask the kid what they want?...
It's ok to play amature psychologists and sociologists trying to redefine gender socialisation, but does the kid want to be gender neutral?

[GypsyGoth]

Even if we got rid of words like girls or boys, kids who are different will still get bullied.

Maybe more education is needed and not so much focus on labels.

[Ninastar]

Originally Posted by GypsyGoth

Even if we got rid of words like girls or boys, kids who are different will still get bullied.

Maybe more education is needed and not so much focus on labels.