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Drew. · 01-04-2015, 05:41 PM

Bit of a shock, would have thought this was the perfect task for Scott too

Black Dagger · 01-04-2015, 05:41 PM

That's a shame! <\3

LukeB · 01-04-2015, 05:41 PM

i hope this is a late april fools joke

Shaun · 01-04-2015, 05:44 PM

Scaden </3

Jake. · 01-04-2015, 05:45 PM

Tom & Lucas:

Quote:

Originally Posted by _LucasMichael_

This story begins when a group of Coach Trippers who begin their quest to get around Europe without being kicked off the coach for being massive bellends, the trip is going extremely well as the passengers on board are in the midst of a tough game of Eye-Spy until one of the coach dykes decides to cry out vagina as one of their guesses to the horror and dismay of the other passengers on board who are mostly into penis. Suddenly the youngest member of the coach (who even invited him on a 30 day tour, surely he should be at school) goes into panic mode, "WE ARE GOING TO CRASH, STOP THE COACH NOW" Tom cried, the others casually rolling their eyes at him, "This isn't Final Destination, you daft slag" Shaun bellowed. "No I promise you, we are all going to go crashing into a tree if we don't get off this coach this instant"... "Well we are at our first activity now anyway luv, so we will have to get off the coach now regardless" explained Lucas. The team got off and were making their way into the Latvian cheese factory (Is Latvia known for it's cheese? I don't ****ing know, we are in Vienna anyway). Suddenly the coach makes a loud noise, the breaks are out of control and Luke who is relieving himself by a tree. is crushed in an instant by the out of control vehicle, the others turn around and are totally baffled by the scenario. "I told you something like this would happen" sobbed Tom. "3 words totally didn't save his life lol" joked AmyJade. Jake is furiously unaware of what has happened and demands that the rest of the passengers make their way into the factory at once. "We must NOT be late for our first activity, I will be a laughing stock with the international tour guide society." The group are stopped by Laverne (I don't even know where I am going with this tbh and I still have about 10 deaths to complete without using the word bellowed again) who is showing them all the different cheeses that Latvia has to offer. "This is ****e, I am lactose intolerant" groans Drew, who wanders off not listening to another word that Laverne has to say despite his beauty (he's not exactly Alexis is he). After the presentation is over and the group are bored to death (not literally that isn't the end of the story just yet, don't worry, I am doing more this task, I'm already on like 10 lines, get in). Mokka is the next death of this story, a loud thud can be heard in the distance, the group runs back to see what has occurred, Mokka's brains are practically splattered into the floor (before some machinery that hasn't been turned off flips her into a large mixing bowl, yes I am struggling here I haven't done creative writing for a long while), she has slipped on some substance that looks familiar. "THAT IS JIZZ!!, WHICH DIRTY BASTARD HAS DONE THAT" Lucas screams (Smithy isn't on this trip is he?). "For **** sake, both Luke and Mokka are dead? I was going to give them my vote tonight and everything, oh well one less team for us to beat eh" Jack claimed (Welcome to the story Jack, this will probably be the only thing you say but at least you made it good). Jake who again is totally unaware of proceedings (not a bloody very good tour guide is he?) is giddy at the thought of the next activity. "COME ON TEAM WE ARE OFF TO.... SEGWAY". The group cheer loudly at the announcement, nothing could have been worse than the cheese factory. "I love a good ride" exclaims Shaun. The group are having a Whale of a time, swerving the Latvian roads, well all except Amy who totally hasn't got to grips with hers and has thrown it at some poor 70 year old lady (I've totally resorted to killing off ongoers now as well just because I can and have done a word count and I was only on 600 words). "LOOK AT ME GO DREW" cackles Shaun, who literally goes, goes crashing over the side and into a river that has totally came into play, Jake totally didn't do a health and safety check on this area, smfh. That is the end of Shaun, who unfortunately can't swim in this story, maybe Jake would have benefited from taking the group for swimming lessons rather than spending the day in a bloody cheese factory. Unbelievable. Drew for some bizarre reason totally feels unphased by the recent events. "He never bleeding put out anyway, not like my Alexis, he leaks like a tap, I think I might go and catch up with him actually, Arsenal are in town tonight" (yeah they are totally playing some random Latvian team, lets go with it, I needed to feature Alexis some-way or another just to make Drew feel awkward.). Drew meets Alexis in town. "Fancy a bite, dear?" "Oh do I hehe" giggled Drew. "Shall we go in here?" "It looks a bit run down doesn't it?" "Ho nonsense, it's just a burger and chips. "I heard they put a special sauce in these kind of burgers, I'm not sure I'm that hungry"... needless to say they went into the cafe regardless, but it was the worst decision they've ever made because they get twatted by a falling painting that was hung up, sorry about that pals, should have stuck with McDonalds. We go back to the group now and Braden is dancing away in one of the local gay bars while Scott is chatting up an on-looker. "Ere mate, fancy a go on this", he did not, Scott was bashed to death by the closeted homosexual who was repressing his true feelings, what a sad moment of the story, Braden could not cope with losing his partner and tried topping himself on the nearest bridge but to no avail. "Eh" Braden thought to himself, he had just suffered a 50 foot drop and didn't even have a sprained ankle, you are dying in Slovenia, Braden. It is not yet time for you to die just yet, we are going Mountain climbing now, Jake has demanded it. Even with half of his trippers dead at this point, the International tour guide committee will see him as a laughing stock at this stage. The group began to climb, higher and higher they got, the wind was getting stronger, Claudia was holding on for dear life (who's bright idea was it to take them in this weather.) Braden slipped at this point and plummeted to his death (2 lines later I've killed him off, tuts, he should have just bloody died in Latvia.). While this is all ongoing a strike of lighting comes crashing down and catches Caitlin square on, she is also brown bread (I'm clearly trying to get this done as quick as possible now). Claudia is in hysterics... "WHY, WHY HER? WHY NOT ME?" a note swiftly drops from the sky. It reads "GOD HATES RUG MUNCHERS". Claudia continues sobbing, the others climb down and make their way back to the coach, but Claudia remains shaken on the mountain (she will probably top herself and succeed or freeze to death, one of the two, she can stay there for now.) God knows where Jonathan and Dylan have got to in this storyline, Dylan has been as noticeable here as he has been all coach trip </3. (sorry for the shade, Dylan is wonderful). Oh I've read the notes, apparently a snow storm in Ukraine wipes you both out, I will assume you just ****ed off there just because Jake was distracted and you can do what you like, good job guys. Back to the coach we go (it's a new one, it's a Bullocks, ooh) it matches this story tbh, I've been writing bollocks since the first bloody line, this ordeal is nearly over, their seats go flying onto the motorway after being blasted by a caravan first. A Liverpudlian accents booms from the other side of the road "Oooh ****ing hell, me and my pal Andy were only after finding some gips we never meant to kill anybody", oh dear it'd have been easier to bloody get the Mega-bus around the country, and somehow safer.

So this is the end, it's been a heartbreaking read (and hopefully funny, it probably isn't and I've just wasted all my time trying to get myself back over after being a lazy **** last task.) Me and Tom manage to live, the publishers see money in a love story (between me and Laverne from the cheese factory, not Tom obviously, I'm not Jimmy Saville, that wouldn't sell nearly enough copies.)

THE END.

Mokka · 01-04-2015, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake.

I'm afraid that I begin with some sad news. Today, Braden & Scott decided to leave the coach, so will no longer be participating. I'd like to thank them both for the effort they've put in for the last 10 days.

No you didn't Scott

No you bloody well didn't

LukeB · 01-04-2015, 05:47 PM

this was basically what me and mokka was debating about! lucky we didn't do it

good story boys

Black Dagger · 01-04-2015, 05:48 PM

Oh it's quite a long read. I've done myself justice

Jake. · 01-04-2015, 05:49 PM

Caitlin & Claudia:

Quote:

Originally Posted by GypsyGoth

Chaos's Diary, if found please give to the authorities.

22nd of March 2015
OMG Diary, I've just started a new game show called 'Coach Trip.' I'm pretty excited, everyone seems so nice. Even if some do seem a little Lesbiphobic. Twats. I'm going to write here every day to tell the world of my amazing journey! Maybe I'll make millions like J.K. Rowling!!!!!!!11

23rd of March
Apparently we had a task today. My partner and I were too busy scissoring and getting high to notice. Anyway, strange things have been happening. A few personal items have gone missing. Like my hair brush, my tampons and even my partners vibrator. I think it might just be a joke on someone else's behalf, but I'm sure they will turn up one day.

24th of March
OMFG. You won't believe it. My partner died today. She died of an electric shock from her vibrator. How weird, right? I've never heard of anything like it. Maybe I'll sue the company and make millions from it. At least I'll be rich.

25th of March
So after an eventful day, Jake, our host decided to treat us to some Burger King! It was delicious. Apparently someone was caught doing the unthinkable to a burger... I don't know who it was though.

26th of March
OMG did you know that you can catch Syphilis from a burger? Apparently so. Luke died today, everyone's in a little bit of shock right now. Two people dead from one coach trip, in less than 24 hours? It can't be a coincidence, right?

27th of March
Strangest and bloodiest day ever, an Al-Qaeda gang on the back of a heard of moose attacked the coach, they killed most of the others for being gay, Scott hide under the bus and the moose trampled Mokka to death cause he's Canadian and all.

28th of March
The only ones left are me, Jake, Amy, Drew and Scott. We all had a party to celebrate not dying!!

29th of March
Unfortunate news, Scott died of a prolapse.

30th of March
Again more tragedy, Amy took an over dose of vitamins, she didn't want to live in a world where Zane wasn't in 1D

31th of March
Drew sadly killed himself this morning, he jumped from the coach, his last words were something about not wanting to live in a world were Jeremy Clarkson isn't part of Top Gear. Jake left to bury the body, he hasn't returned.

1st of April 2015
I'm actually getting scared now. I'm the only one left and Jake is still missing. I'm hearing things now too. I thought I heard someone scratching at the door, but I think it's just a tree branch on the window. Maybe I should go check it out either way.

LukeB · 01-04-2015, 05:50 PM

lucas and tom the cheryl lyric

Drew. · 01-04-2015, 05:51 PM

"Apparently we had a task today. My partner and I were too busy scissoring and getting high to notice."

This is the type of coach i need to be on.. not a 6 hour express journey with Lucas kicking me the whole way

Shaun · 01-04-2015, 05:52 PM

Lucas <3

Claudia's format <3

Black Dagger · 01-04-2015, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drew.

"Apparently we had a task today. My partner and I were too busy scissoring and getting high to notice."

This is the type of coach i need to be on.. not a 6 hour express journey with Lucas kicking me the whole way

**** off you are like 7ft!

Shaun · 01-04-2015, 05:54 PM

"Unfortunate news. Scott's died of a prolapse"

Lmfao

Drew. · 01-04-2015, 05:54 PM

Well well it didn't take long for the Alexis story to pop up, well done Lucas & Tom

Black Dagger · 01-04-2015, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LukeB

lucas and tom the cheryl lyric

I'm glad you liked it <3

Jake. · 01-04-2015, 05:54 PM

Luke & Mokka:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mokkajava

Quote:

Originally Posted by LukeB

The Cast

(We have assigned each player to someone for this fan fic. it wasn't aimed to offend anyone. We did this because sometimes when people read fan fics they imagine them as something else etc and Yes Braden is a talking pug)

Chapter 1
After introductions at the meeting place in London England, as everyone began boarding the bus, Bradley noticed he was feeling a little off.

He turned to Daniel as they boarded and said “atm me stan front hunty </3”.
Daniel replied, “iconic”, and they took the front seats on the coach.

The minute the coach took off, most of the contestants fell asleep. Shyness or nerves left them all short on words. It wasn’t till they had crossed over to France that the group began to shake off the nervousness and started to share stories. The getting to know you chatter was typical. There were many debates about favourite tv shows and best Big Brother characters. Shaun was in the back corner with Drew leading a debate on the likelihood of Brendan Flowers ever being legit on his own. Jay began to share a bit of his own personal story telling skills, but it became awkward when he told the story of a young Indian man and his passion for curries. Lucas had to hold his hands over Tom’s ears and the bus as a whole became uncomfortably silent again.

Bradley suddenly called out and everyone turned to see him spraying blood form his nose all over Daniel. Jay and Scott both cackled like girls at the sight and turned away. Someone tossed them a roll of paper towels and they spent the next half hour cleaning up the mess.

After a long days travels, the coach pulled into a motel for a nights rest for the contestants before a big challenge the next day.
The next day as the boarded, both Daniel and Bradley looked a lot worse for wear. There skin was an off colour; they seemed to have turned greener through the night. When Jake asked them a few routine questions prior to boarding, Bradley’s only response was,
“Atm of erebus junk food night trojan horse for sale o canada wuv woo barkbarkbarkbarkbark pandoras box zenos paradox l33t supa h4x0r”, and all Daniel could say was “nnnnnnnn”.

The coach wasn’t on the road for more than 15 minutes when Luke started to notice that something was really not right about Bradley and Daniel. He tapped Jake and pointed at the two in the front. Jake got up to get a closer look at the pair, but Daniel and Bradley had begun to rise up too. When they turned towards the others, their limbs were hanging strangely, and their eyes were rolled back into their heads. They looked like death in general.
Panic began to roll amongst the others. Amy and Jack darted out of the seats directly behind the two and started to head away from them, towards the back of the bus. Everyone else followed suit. Lucas climbed into Shaun’s lap and began to weep; Tom did the same with Drew. Jake began grasping at a bag that he had pulled out from under his seat. He couldn’t get the zipper open and struggled as Daniel and Bradley began lunging for Dylan and Jonathan, the two closest to them. Just as Bradley took hold of Jonathan and leaned in with his teeth barred as if to bite him, two gun shots rang out.
Then everyone fell silent as they surveyed the scene. Jake was standing with the smoking gun and there were two bodies flopped down in the center of the aisle… Daniel and Bradley were dead.

Benjamin, who was driving the coach, had pulled over when the commotion started. They had been on their way to a remote destination, and currently they were in the middle of nowhere.
Lucas began to shriek once the shock had worn off, “What the **** Jake? You have a gun?”
Jake answered in a rather high pitched yell, “I wanted some protection, just in case. You think this hosting gig is easy? I don’t know what kind of crazy people I am going to encounter from one season to the next.”

Talks then fell to what to do next. The shaken coach trippers eventually got through the fog of shock and fear to come up with a plan. They carried the boy’s bodies off the bus and into the forest, found some foliage to hide them under, and made a speedy return to the coach before they were seen. When all were aboard again, Ben closed the doors to the bus, and they took off down the road leaving Bradley and Daniel behind.

Chapter 2

Jake whispered to Ben at the front for a few minutes and then turned to the others.
“We are going to turn slightly off course to stop for some lunch everyone. I think that after the events of the morning, we all need a bit of a refresher.”

As he was getting off the coach, Liam looked at his arm and saw some blood there that he hadn’t noticed before. Must have been from carrying Bradley into the forest, Liam thought. He made a detour for the loo to clean up before they ate. As he was washing up he noticed that a small scratch was under some of the blood and he remembers catching his sleeve on a branch earlier on.
When everyone had grabbed seats in the booths they ordered the food. Everyone ordered the special, except Jay and Liam. They had both ordered hotdogs and fries. While waiting for their orders, Jay runs out of his drink. He had already been quite thirsty having drank all his detox water on the coach. He leaned over and grabbed Liam’s glass and began to drink.
Liam exclaimed “hey you thirsty git… get your own drink.”
Jay says “I just have this bad taste in my mouth and my saliva is running fast and giving my mouth this gummy feeling. I wish I had brought more detox water with.”
Scott and Tom were sitting near by and the three of them began to share favourite detox water recipes for the rest of the meal, and each found out several new ways to incorporate cucumbers and water.

After lunch they climbed back on the bus and within half an hour they were finally at the first task. They had come to a popular local rock climbing cliff.
“Today’s task is to paint the exact replica of the Mona Lisa while climbing this cliff”, Jake called out to the teams. “The order of climbing is on this paper here, come and see when your turn is before grabbing your equipment.”
Mokka & Luke were the first up, followed by Braden & Scott and Caitlin & Claudia. Hilarity ensued as the climb began, with Mokka & Luke spilling a small bit of paint on Braden and Scott, and Braden and Scott reciprocating by dumping a whole can of paint on the girls. By the time they reached the top, Scott and Braden were clearly in the lead with this picture

Jay and Liam were up next. They were barely aware of what they were doing when the got the harnesses on, and Jake had to help them tighten all their straps. They were really slow going at first and they mumbled things back and forth to each other that no one could comprehend. They seemed to stop half way up and take a nap… just hanging there. All the other contestants hollered at them, but they were frozen. Just as a plan was unfolding to rescue them, they both suddenly came alive. There was a sudden urgency with the way they started climbing then. As Jay hit the top of the cliff first, Mokka reached out to help him over. He kept muttering, “thirsty, thirsty” as he came over the cliff, but once up he wouldn’t let Mokka’s hand go. Luke was also lending a hand to Liam by this point, so when Mokka yelled out, the others at the top rushed to her aid.

There was panic in Caitlins voice when she called out “They look like Daniel and Bradley”, and the struggle to get Jay unattached from Mokka escalated as Liam and Luke were tussling right beside them. Not sure of how they managed it, the group knocked Jay to the ledge and he lost his footing and fell over. They all made to help Luke, and managed to send Liam in the same direction as Jay. They looked over the edge to see the boys bodies sprawled out on the ground. Then they saw Jake take out his gun again and put a bullet through both of their brains. Jay and Liam were dead.

Chapter 3

Everyone was now used to the idea of dead competitors, or as used to it as they could be. They made short work of hiding the bodies and hightailing it out of there. Once on the road, the further they got from the scene, the easier it was to forget about Liam and Jay.

As it was late already, they travelled to a hotel for a nights rest. Most were exhausted from the rock climbing… and the deaths, but Lucas was still up for a party. He pulled out a bottle of vodka from his carry on and talked to several teams about stopping in at his and Tom’s room. Several noises came from that room that night. There was ranting about Red Nose day, and several expletives directed at some guy named Marsh. Mostly everyone needed to blow off some steam after all the horror that had been witnessed.

In the wee hours of the morning, screams were heard throughout the halls of the hotel. Claudia was running up and down banging on everyone’s doors. They followed her down the corridor to Lucas’s room. Inside they found Caitlin standing over two lifeless bodies… Lucas and Tom were dead. Questions were asked and the scene was inspected. Caitlin and Claudia had a room next door to the guys and had partied most of the night with them. They had gone back to their own rooms at one point but found it hard to sleep with Lucas still carrying on. They had tried banging on the wall several times to shut them up, but after a particularly rambunctious time, Claudia had decided to go over and tell them to shut it down. The scene she was met with put her into hysterics. The room was in shambles… but most of that had been the lads using the various items in the room for a game of toss and smash earlier on. The shocking part was the blood stained sheets and the chunks of flesh missing from the bodies.

The consensus from the group was clear. Everyone grab you **** and lets get out of here was declared by almost everyone. They didn’t even try to hide the bodies… they all got on the coach within 10 minutes and they were down the road before anyone else was alerted.

Chapter 4
They idea was to skip the next three tasks, and head for the nearest boarder and get out of France asap. It was an eerily quite journey, but everyone stayed awake. No one slept for fear that the killer was on the coach with them, and they would be the next victims. The silence would have been deafening if it weren’t for the sound of the bus itself. There was a growing squealing that was soon joined by a clunk clunk noise. About 10 minutes after crossing into Germany, a large bang was heard from the engine and the bus shut down and rolled to a slow stop on the side of the road.

Ben got off the coach to look at the engine, and several others got off as well and were milling around beside it. Caitlin and Claudia took off down the road on a private walk. After about 15 mins they came upon an old barn and they went in to explore. It was warm and cozy inside and smelt of new hay and summer time. Caitlin took off her jacket and layed it out for the two to sit on.
“Caitlin, I’m scared by all this”, said Claudia.
“I know hon” said Caitlin, “but I’m here to protect you”.
“Hold me Caitlin, I’m afraid it’s our last night on earth”, sait Claudia.
Then one thing led to another and queue the bowchickawowow music.
(for further details, there are one or two links in the 18+ thread that will elaborate on what happened here, but in the interest of keeping it PG, they have been omitted).

As lovely as their rotic moment was (romantic without the man), Caitlin and Claudia’s love was short lived. When a dark shadow crept over them, they were to busy to notice. And when the attack began, they were no match for what ensued. Caitlin and Claudia died in each others arms.

Chapter 5:

What was happening at the bus all this time, no one will ever know. A bystander would come upon the scene the next day and the images would not leave their mind before their dying day.The bodies of Amy, Jack, Braden, Scott, Drew Shaun, Dylan and Jonathan were all found by authorities within a mile of the bus.

But that night, Jake, Mokka and Luke found themselves to be the last members standing, in a face off in the middle of the woods. They stared each other down from a safe distance, all panting and out of breath.
“Where is everyone else?” asked Mokka.
“I think they are all dead by now” said Jake in a sinister voice. “It is just us now”.
“Does that mean Mokka and I won?” asks Luke.
“Ahahahahah, that is not the point of all this Luke” says Jake, “no one was ever gonna win this game of Coach Trip. Do you think it was a an accident that Bradley and Daniel were gone on day one? Do you not see that Liam and Jays deaths were all a part of a greater plan? Are you so blind?”
“What are you talking about Jake,” asked Mokka. “Are you saying you planned all this?”
“Of course I planned all this. All these teams were chosen because you all didn’t vote for me in Most Loved this last season. I had to make sure that didn’t happen again. I had to eliminate those who wouldn’t vote for me, and those who beat me so that I could become #1.” Jake cried out.
“Mokka grabs her phone and scrolls through her sent pm’s. “Look Jake… I voted for you… see here? This is the PM I sent to Ben… it even has a date stamp on it so you can see I am not lying.”|
Luke grabs his phone and follows Mokka’s lead. They both show Jake that they not only voted for him… but that he was their number one pick for Most Loved.
Jake looks at their phones and lets out a huge laugh. “Well that’s me fooled. Remind me never to trust Ben again. Mores the fool me!”

And the three of them went on to post in TiBB another day, with Luke and Mokka receiving that much coveted badge of Coach Trip winners.

Shaun · 01-04-2015, 05:54 PM

Not here for me not even being named in their story though

Mokka · 01-04-2015, 05:55 PM

I love that we all turned to death on the coach trip for hilarity to ensue

Black Dagger · 01-04-2015, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drew.

Well well it didn't take long for the Alexis story to pop up, well done Lucas & Tom

I've been working on it since Dawlish!

Drew. · 01-04-2015, 05:56 PM

"Lucas climbed into Shaun’s lap and began to weep; Tom did the same with Drew."

What kind of sick story is this

Mokka · 01-04-2015, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drew.

"Lucas climbed into Shaun’s lap and began to weep; Tom did the same with Drew."

What kind of sick story is this

The mind sometimes takes you places you don't want to go

Black Dagger · 01-04-2015, 05:58 PM

Me being a Vodka party animal <3

Jake. · 01-04-2015, 05:59 PM

Drew & Shaun:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shaun

The Ballad of Shaunny Dee

Appearing in the Channel 4 series 'TiBBenefits Street' changed Shaunny Dee's live forever, but looking back she wasn't sure if it was for better or for worse. The author of this story didn't watch any of the documentary series - but presumes that it portrayed the inhabitants of this particular street (probably not actually called Benefits Street, what kind of misinformation?) in a bit of a negative light. We'll use that as the motivation for this story, OK?

Laying on a rubber dinghy in the middle of her swimming pool, Shaunny Dee cast her mind back over the past year and smiled. Hers was a true rags to riches story, and whilst she missed her caravan park and its strong community presence, she couldn't deny that the wealth and the support she'd received was an improvement. She'd still get the occasional death threat in the post, or sent some nasty messages over Twitter, but that was all very easy to ignore when she could book herself in for a panel show appearance or a club opening.

It all went down like this.

--------------

She got the call offering her to appear in Celebrity Coach Trip mid-July. TiBBenefits Street had finished airing 5 months ago, and the fallout was just beginning to dwindle. Shaunny had seen the articles in her defence, and they touched her - she was portrayed as a caring mother and a grafter, if not in the sense that would please the Daily Mail. She'd been told that the famous boxer Lukeb Harrison would also be appearing, as would Caitlin Goodger from TOWIE. Neither of these names fazed her - she was sure they'd be perfectly nice - but Shaunny Dee worried that the show would just further enhance her reputation as a desperate, workshy freeloader. After much persuasion from her family, and a hefty £34 paycheck, however, she put pen to paper.

Flash forward a few uneventful weeks and she faced launch night. Waiting backstage, she could hear the host Jake Willis, Britain's first transgender TV presenter, bellowing her catchphrases and warming the crowd.

Spoiler:

All of a sudden, Shaunny was introduced and pulled to the side by Willis.

"We've got a secret mission for you," she slurred, clearly drunk and her breath smelling of lemons, "you're going to be spending your first twenty four hours in the house pretending to be someone else - the Duchess of Dawlish - and to pass this mission you must successfully trick the three American housemates at the end into believing that story."

Dee smiled and nodded, not sure what to make of it all and half of it going over her head entirely, when she was given an unexpectedly violent shove by Jake and told to enter the house. As she ascended the stairs she felt dizzy - probably shouldn't have smoked that joint with me daughter Raph, she thought - and for a brief moment she considered turning on her cuban heels and running home. Something held her back and forced her into the house, though - was it the money? Or the knowledge that she couldn't run without looking like a lava lamp? It was a mixture of both. The doors opened and Shaunny caught a glimpse of the living area before a rather fine gentleman working as a runner grabbed her by the arm and showed her the way to a task room, where she would be made up.

An hour or two passed whilst she was primped and preened, and the end result was a mixture of Miss Trunchbull and Mrs. Doubtfire. She hated it. She cried a little in the mirror, wanting to go back to her Muppets pyjamas and polka-dot sunglasses, but before she could complain she was told to enter the house for real.

Descending those infamous stairs, her eyes fell upon some recognisable faces (and faeces tbh). She was a little bit starstruck to see Drew Busey, the star of '(I Want Your) Lethal Weapon (Inside Me)', and a short little homosexual was swanning around the room necking bottles of Hooch and cackling. She felt she would like him. A few introductions later - "I'm Claudia Lynch, I was in B*Gothed"... why the **** should I care, Shaunny thought - Dee found herself talking to Drew, Lucas Jordan and a rather plastic-faced woman who called herself Frenchy Rose.

"I am the Duchess of Dawlish," she shook their hands, hoping not to act too common, whilst the other housemates in the know looked on and smirked. She glared at that Jack boy from TiBBlebox who kept trying to distract her.
"You iz une douchess?" Frenchy Rose McGowan cooed and squealed, breaking into a little curtsey, whilst the clearly-drunk Lucas Jordan - who Dee sort-of recognised from some sitcom she might've watched on a stolen cable - gasped and began asking a ton of questions.
"Do I call you ma'am or lady, ma'am?" Lucas' accent was so exotic to Shaunny, and she desperately faught off mimicking it.
"I don't really mind, darling," she explained, hoping to make the task a bit easier for herself.
"So you're a duchess? Do you know what DUCHESS stands for?" Drew interrupted, a bit of a crazy glare in his eye, "it stands for Daniel_ and Udanax Couldn't Handle Eviction So Soon".
Dee smiled and nodded again, not having a ****ing scooby what that meant, before she made her way around the room for her fake introductions.

--------------

The rest of the night passed without event, although she was sure that that Jonnie Maloney fella (or girl) kept throwing resentful glares towards her and just about everyone else. Jake told the group that she had passed her task and revealed her true identity to the Americans.
"YOU'RE A LIAR - YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR," Lucas screeched and stormed off to the bedroom - not before falling over a strewn bottle of Budweiser. Drew and Frenchy Rose didn't quite seem to understand either way, however, so Shaunny breathed a sigh of relief.

The housemates could now relax and get to know each other, and those first few nights were relatively pleasant until the louder characters made themselves known. Shaunny Dee was aghast to discover, one night, that the house supply of spaghetti had been thrown on the store-room floor. She couldn't believe her eyes, and whilst she hoisted up her ill-fitting nightgown, she immediately went on the warpath.
"WHO MADE THIS FUCKIN' MESS?" she slammed the bedroom door, startling a poor Caitlin Goodger. She could see that the plastic slut in the corner was acting suspicious and dancing to a Fiona Apple song she was listening to on a smuggled-in iPod. Dee yanked it from her ears and Rose screamed, slapping Dee in the face with a hairbrush. Before Shaunny could retaliate, Lucas Jordan stormed into the room crying.
"SHE CUT UP MY TREVOR," he was visibly shaken, "THAT STINKIN' FRENCH SLUT."
With that, chaos ensued, and I don't mean Caitlin. Because she has a boring housemate and probably will be lucky if I mention her again tbh.
The house forcibly separated the three main parties of the feud and - unexpectedly - Liam McIntosh, the fitness-obsessed ex of Kizzy Brook - was evicted because his nudes hadn't garnered nearly enough interest.

Hostility in the house continued to grow, with the Strictly Cum Eating regular Jay Jordan establishing himself as a house villain as he kept pushing Drew Busey over in the shower and laughing at his teeth. He would also have constant spats with LukeB Harrison, the retired boxer who had been greeted by Drew as Luke Ebola, but for some reason this Jordan was kept to the final - the other one, who Shaunny had been sharing a bed with, wa surprisingly evicted second. Shaunny wept as she saw him dancing when the eviction doors opened.

The torment would only continue. As the more obnoxious and irritating characters picked up momentum, the nicer housemates who Shaunny would refer to as her 'babehs' would continue to be evicted. Caitlin Goodger, Dylan Guacamole and StupidHoe Pratt were all removed from the house whilst the awkward Drew Busey remained, unashamedly washing his meat and veg in full view of everyone. Frenchy Rose didn't seem to mind, however, and received a formal warning for repeatedly attempting to grab said genitalia. She was soon evicted, too, much to Shaunny's relief, and her eviction outfit consisted of a thin layer of pink PVC and a pineapple lodged somewhere unfortunate.

Before she knew it, finale night was upon her. Shaunny Dee, Claudia Lynch, Drew Busey, Jack Gilbey, Jay Jordan and LukeB Harrison were all with a chance of winning and Shaunny couldn't quite believe it. She was so sure that she'd be sent packing by the end of the first week, but the cheers from the crowds had given her confidence. Unfortunately, it was not enough, and she finished fifth and only beat the weird goth girl.

--------------

And that's how it all ended. Drew eventually emerged as the champion, much to the bewilderment of the ex-housemates, and after a short week or so of TV appearances Shaunny could feel life returning to normal - but that's when she got the phonecall. She'd been offered a job presenting a new BBC Three quiz show called 'The Slide', and her agent also told her that she'd be part of a team of judges on something called 'The Z Factor'. Cheques continued to reel in, and none of them bounced. It was a strange sensation. But now she was rich and relatively famous, and she was loving it. No more dole queues, no more caravan parks - she'd booked a holiday in a Spanish villa with her friends from home including Black David and her daughter Raphy - her life was finally in order. And that's how the story ends. X

Shaun · 01-04-2015, 05:59 PM

Lokka

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