[Ninastar]

Originally Posted by GypsyGoth

yea the first time I heard sex noises I wanted to die, but yea I've got earphones always nearby, I'm used to them by now.

And it's just that I feel I can't be myself and totally relax in the house while he's here, although he seldom comes into the front room (where I usually hang out), and there are loads of little things, like having to lock the bathroom door. But yea my mom likes him a lot, so I suppose it's worth it to have her happy.

you should invite a girl round then make sex noises as revenge

i never thought about that. i just leave the door open, lol.

n'aww thats a nice way to put it.

at least hes nice, i guess

[Smithy]

you should do a big smelly poo claudia, then he'll never want to come round

[GypsyGoth]

[Ammi]

..I do think Caitlin that you should be talking to him directly about things like this but only if he chooses to tell you about his finances etc...that's difficult though I know because it's that thing where yours and his relationship could be damaged if it seems to him that you're being 'dismissive' of her...but if he chooses to pay for your insurance or help with your sister's uni fees, that really is up to him and something that she has to accept..that when she met him, he had children and they had a place in his life...it may be that she is trying to 'manipulate' a situation of you saying...'oh dad..I'll pay my own insurance from now on..'..and therefore extra income for his new family..?...but that situation really shouldn't be manipulated/it's not for her to do so..it's for you and your dad only...anyway, try not to make an 'enemy' of her because of your dad but just try to ignore stuff she says unless it's said to you by your dad...


..with the sex noises thing.....I think that would be equally 'ick' even if it was with two actual parents as opposed to a step parent...people always say...'OMG, do my parents STILL do that...'...but it's not much different for parents with grown up children if anything is ever hear....'Jeez, they're BABIES, what on earth is going on...'......I mean you know it happens and are happy that it does but you just don't want to hear it....it really doesn't seem right at all....

[Cherie]

This won't be a popular post but doesn't this woman work? Has she contributed financially to all these nice things she has? Maybe he is up to his eyeballs in debt and does need to pull back a little, or maybe she is a gold digger, I agree with you Ammi she is not going the right way about it and shouldn't really be mentioning it to his kids, but for me it's a difficult one to judge without knowing both sides of the story.

[kirklancaster]

Originally Posted by Christmarsh.

Sounds like hell.

I have a step parent and we NEVER got on for years and years but now I'm older we get on a lot better these days.

Interesting. Do you think the reason you didn't get on at first was your fault - resentment? Too immature?

[thesheriff443]

Originally Posted by Cherie

This won't be a popular post but doesn't this woman work? Has she contributed financially to all these nice things she has? Maybe he is up to his eyeballs in debt and does need to pull back a little, or maybe she is a gold digger, I agree with you Ammi she is not going the right way about it and shouldn't really be mentioning it to his kids, but for me it's a difficult one to judge without knowing both sides of the story.

i agree Cherie, in part, she is also letting them know the true situation.

she must be feeling very frustrated.

[kirklancaster]

Economising - like charity - begins at home, and I recall Caitlin stating that this 'GF' was not averse to buying expensive non-essentials whilst she was imposing her restrictions on the father whenever it came to spending on his children.

It seems to me that the GF is being very 'selective' in deciding where the father's expenditure needs to be cut, and in targeting his children, I believe that she is - consciously or subconsciously - 'killing two birds with one stone', in that she is hurting his children, and also demonstrating to them that she --not them or their mother -- has the real power over him.

There is not enough information to be able to offer qualified opinion but I think this woman is very insecure, and jealous of the father's relationship with his children because they are a permanent 'bridge' to the estranged wife.

I also strongly think that when another person - male or female - becomes involved with an estranged parent, then that person must assume 'secondary' parent responsibilities, sensibilities, and attitude, where the estranged children are concerned, and should therefore be prepared to deal with any behavioral problems in those children which may be borne of 'jealousy' or 'resentment' or feelings of being 'replaced' by the new partner in the affections of their estranged parent.

Buying expensive junk when telling the estranged children that their father can no longer afford to buy them things is not the way to 'win over' emotionally confused and distrustful children, and the fact that Caitlin has no problem with the mother's new partner would suggest that the GF is the real 'problem' here not the children.

It seems to me that this woman has a mindset that she has a relationship with the estranged husband only, and regards his children as an unwanted 'complication' which she cannot totally ignore but has no real intention of accepting and trying to solve.

It is not made clear from the original post how old the father is or whether this 'GF' is younger than him, but I believe that the father is, or is at least approaching, 'middle age' and if so, then thought should be given as to just what this poor man must be going through - never mind his GF.

He maybe experiencing that vaguely titled but all too real phenomenon that we call 'mid-life crisis'; that stage in our lives when we realise that we are not infallible, that we can't 'leap over buildings' or 'outrun a speeding train' as we thought in our youth. That stage, where we realise that when it comes to dealing with all life's crap that we are ill-equipped and haven't all the answers - if any.

On top of this, he is having to live with the humiliating fact - conscious or subconscious - that he is a failure - at least as far as his marriage is concerned, and by what we know, also financially.

Is this new GF helping him to address this issue in any constructive way? Is she hell.

She is humiliating him in front of his own family by broadcasting his failures, and if she can do this then you can bet your life she does the same in front of his friends.

I find it highly significant that he allows her to do this, and I believe that this poor guy might be so depressed and 'down' that he is losing any fight he may once have had and is capitulating to a domineering bitch.

You all know, that as a writer, I like to refer to the truth in films and plays to illustrate certain points,because I truly believe that stories are - as Robert Mkee says - 'metaphors for living', and I remember a TV play about a middle-aged man who was undergoing a 'mid-life crisis' - stuck in a rut, a loveless marriage, etc.

There's one brilliant scene where the guy is alone and driving in his his car, when he passes a leggy young hitchhiker but sees her too late and pulls up about 20 yards down the road. He waits, and waits for her to run towards the car to accept his lift, but she just stands there 'hand on hip'. The guy then actually reverses his car right back to her and then - and only then - does she get in the car.

Absolutely brilliant writing which says everything without saying anything.

This younger girl was completely and arrogantly demonstrating her power over a middle aged man who was undergoing a 'mid-life crisis'.

I don't know how much of my summising is 'on point' Caitlin, but I will say, that sometimes the child has to become the parent, and this does appear to be one of those times, so my advice would be speak to your dad in private, and to take an approach which says:

"Dad, I love you, but I'm not a kid anymore and I know enough about life to know that you're suffering. I know you've got money problems dad, but you're GF is not doing anything to help you solve them by buying expensive crap you don't really need. And she's not endearing herself to us by showing you up and trying to make you look small in front of people by lecturing you about what you can and can't spend money on or who you can spend it on. You need to have a word with her in private dad and tell her not to broadcast your private affairs in public. She may not always love you dad, and may not always be your GF , but we will always love you dad and will always be your children."

I hope this helps.

[Kizzy]

Do you rely heavily on your father for money?
If my daughter said she had no money for heating I'd want to help out, but then I'd think...'hang on' why don't you have money for heating?

[kirklancaster]

Originally Posted by ArchAngel

Do you rely heavily on your father for money?
If my daughter said she had no money for heating I'd want to help out, but then I'd think...'hang on' why don't you have money for heating?

I believe that there are a lot of ordinary, honest, hardworking people in this country Kiz, who have full time jobs, do not smoke, take drugs, gamble or even drink, who still cannot afford to eat 'proper' food or turn on that central heating.

The fault is not in them but in a system which ultimately and always fails those in real need.

This is the way it has always been, and always will be.

Before just 'doshing out' money to them, I would - as you rightly say - question any of my kids who professed to not being able to afford to use their heating, as to the reason(s) but I would never, ever, let anyone try to prevent me helping my children in times of need, while ever that person doing the lecturing was buying unnecessary crap - no matter what my financial situation was like.

It would also 'stick in my craw' were I to lecture my children on the needs to budget and make sacrifices while ever my selfish partner was placing yet another 'just purchased' Ł50.00 vase on my window sill.

With apologies to Brecht; "Children first, then Girlfriends".

[smudgie]

Hmmmmm. I had a stepfather for over 25 years, he used to beat my mother, she always went back to him. Love can be weird.
Anyhow..when she was ill and dying he really looked after her, then when she popped her clogs we discovered he was knocking off my brothers fiancée whom he later married. Nothing quite like keeping it n the family

[kirklancaster]

Originally Posted by NanaChristmas

Hmmmmm. I had a stepfather for over 25 years, he used to beat my mother, she always went back to him. Love can be weird.
Anyhow..when she was ill and dying he really looked after her, then when she popped her clogs we discovered he was knocking off my brothers fiancée whom he later married. Nothing quite like keeping it n the family

Hell Smudgie - my family has its share of 'jerk offs' but this????? Why that's a whole 'Jerry Springer' show all in itself.

[Ninastar]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

Economising - like charity - begins at home, and I recall Caitlin stating that this 'GF' was not averse to buying expensive non-essentials whilst she was imposing her restrictions on the father whenever it came to spending on his children.

It seems to me that the GF is being very 'selective' in deciding where the father's expenditure needs to be cut, and in targeting his children, I believe that she is - consciously or subconsciously - 'killing two birds with one stone', in that she is hurting his children, and also demonstrating to them that she --not them or their mother -- has the real power over him.

There is not enough information to be able to offer qualified opinion but I think this woman is very insecure, and jealous of the father's relationship with his children because they are a permanent 'bridge' to the estranged wife.

I also strongly think that when another person - male or female - becomes involved with an estranged parent, then that person must assume 'secondary' parent responsibilities, sensibilities, and attitude, where the estranged children are concerned, and should therefore be prepared to deal with any behavioral problems in those children which may be borne of 'jealousy' or 'resentment' or feelings of being 'replaced' by the new partner in the affections of their estranged parent.

Buying expensive junk when telling the estranged children that their father can no longer afford to buy them things is not the way to 'win over' emotionally confused and distrustful children, and the fact that Caitlin has no problem with the mother's new partner would suggest that the GF is the real 'problem' here not the children.

It seems to me that this woman has a mindset that she has a relationship with the estranged husband only, and regards his children as an unwanted 'complication' which she cannot totally ignore but has no real intention of accepting and trying to solve.

It is not made clear from the original post how old the father is or whether this 'GF' is younger than him, but I believe that the father is, or is at least approaching, 'middle age' and if so, then thought should be given as to just what this poor man must be going through - never mind his GF.

He maybe experiencing that vaguely titled but all too real phenomenon that we call 'mid-life crisis'; that stage in our lives when we realise that we are not infallible, that we can't 'leap over buildings' or 'outrun a speeding train' as we thought in our youth. That stage, where we realise that when it comes to dealing with all life's crap that we are ill-equipped and haven't all the answers - if any.

On top of this, he is having to live with the humiliating fact - conscious or subconscious - that he is a failure - at least as far as his marriage is concerned, and by what we know, also financially.

Is this new GF helping him to address this issue in any constructive way? Is she hell.

She is humiliating him in front of his own family by broadcasting his failures, and if she can do this then you can bet your life she does the same in front of his friends.

I find it highly significant that he allows her to do this, and I believe that this poor guy might be so depressed and 'down' that he is losing any fight he may once have had and is capitulating to a domineering bitch.

You all know, that as a writer, I like to refer to the truth in films and plays to illustrate certain points,because I truly believe that stories are - as Robert Mkee says - 'metaphors for living', and I remember a TV play about a middle-aged man who was undergoing a 'mid-life crisis' - stuck in a rut, a loveless marriage, etc.

There's one brilliant scene where the guy is alone and driving in his his car, when he passes a leggy young hitchhiker but sees her too late and pulls up about 20 yards down the road. He waits, and waits for her to run towards the car to accept his lift, but she just stands there 'hand on hip'. The guy then actually reverses his car right back to her and then - and only then - does she get in the car.

Absolutely brilliant writing which says everything without saying anything.

This younger girl was completely and arrogantly demonstrating her power over a middle aged man who was undergoing a 'mid-life crisis'.

I don't know how much of my summising is 'on point' Caitlin, but I will say, that sometimes the child has to become the parent, and this does appear to be one of those times, so my advice would be speak to your dad in private, and to take an approach which says:

"Dad, I love you, but I'm not a kid anymore and I enough about life to know that you're suffering. I know you've got money problems dad, but you're GF is not doing anything to help you solve them by buying expensive crap you don't really need. And she's not endearing herself to us by showing you up and trying to make you look small in front of people by lecturing you about what you can and can't spend money on or who you can spend it on. You need to have a word with her in private dad and tell her not to broadcast your private affairs in public. She may not always love you dad, and may not always be your GF , but we will always love you dad and will always be your children."

I hope this helps.

wow... just wow. I actually went 'holy ****' in my head, because this is literally bang on point.

thank for that. I really really appreciated this.

Brilliant

[Ninastar]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..I do think Caitlin that you should be talking to him directly about things like this but only if he chooses to tell you about his finances etc...that's difficult though I know because it's that thing where yours and his relationship could be damaged if it seems to him that you're being 'dismissive' of her...but if he chooses to pay for your insurance or help with your sister's uni fees, that really is up to him and something that she has to accept..that when she met him, he had children and they had a place in his life...it may be that she is trying to 'manipulate' a situation of you saying...'oh dad..I'll pay my own insurance from now on..'..and therefore extra income for his new family..?...but that situation really shouldn't be manipulated/it's not for her to do so..it's for you and your dad only...anyway, try not to make an 'enemy' of her because of your dad but just try to ignore stuff she says unless it's said to you by your dad...


..with the sex noises thing.....I think that would be equally 'ick' even if it was with two actual parents as opposed to a step parent...people always say...'OMG, do my parents STILL do that...'...but it's not much different for parents with grown up children if anything is ever hear....'Jeez, they're BABIES, what on earth is going on...'......I mean you know it happens and are happy that it does but you just don't want to hear it....it really doesn't seem right at all....

Thank you again for the beautiful advice... It means a lot! You're always good with this stuff

Originally Posted by NanaChristmas

Hmmmmm. I had a stepfather for over 25 years, he used to beat my mother, she always went back to him. Love can be weird.
Anyhow..when she was ill and dying he really looked after her, then when she popped her clogs we discovered he was knocking off my brothers fiancée whom he later married. Nothing quite like keeping it n the family

ugh that's awful. sorry to hear that, I didnt know that about your mother

[Marsh.]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

Interesting. Do you think the reason you didn't get on at first was your fault - resentment? Too immature?

Partly definitely. I had quite a bit of resentment. But he was also a twat, which I think he'd admit to as well. Neither of us were to blame tbh, it was just one of those things, we didn't do anything to help the situation.

But we can laugh about it now. I hope.

[Kizzy]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

I believe that there are a lot of ordinary, honest, hardworking people in this country Kiz, who have full time jobs, do not smoke, take drugs, gamble or even drink, who still cannot afford to eat 'proper' food or turn on that central heating.

The fault is not in them but in a system which ultimately and always fails those in real need.

This is the way it has always been, and always will be.

Before just 'doshing out' money to them, I would - as you rightly say - question any of my kids who professed to not being able to afford to use their heating, as to the reason(s) but I would never, ever, let anyone try to prevent me helping my children in times of need, while ever that person doing the lecturing was buying unnecessary crap - no matter what my financial situation was like.

It would also 'stick in my craw' were I to lecture my children on the needs to budget and make sacrifices while ever my selfish partner was placing yet another 'just purchased' Ł50.00 vase on my window sill.

With apologies to Brecht; "Children first, then Girlfriends".

Thanks for the socioeconomic lesson, I can see both sides here if they have pooled resources then maybe she would have a right to a say. The girlfriend brought up the subject in a grown up manner as far as I can see, it's silly to suggest they cut down on things for their home to keep stumping up dosh willy nilly.

[Ithinkiloveyoutoo]

Originally Posted by Urwreatha

ugh, i bet that was awful. there was rumours of my dad and her getting married just a few months after being together so i stopped talking to him. then he found out what had been said and said they werent married. wouldnt surprise me if they were though

she has a massive ****ing engagement ring which is bad enough as it is.

my mum is a little bit like that too. is yours a little irrational?

My mum is not just a "little" irrational. When she goes off on one god help you!

How did the rumours start? It must have come from somewhere.

[Cherie]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

I believe that there are a lot of ordinary, honest, hardworking people in this country Kiz, who have full time jobs, do not smoke, take drugs, gamble or even drink, who still cannot afford to eat 'proper' food or turn on that central heating.

The fault is not in them but in a system which ultimately and always fails those in real need.

This is the way it has always been, and always will be.

Before just 'doshing out' money to them, I would - as you rightly say - question any of my kids who professed to not being able to afford to use their heating, as to the reason(s) but I would never, ever, let anyone try to prevent me helping my children in times of need, while ever that person doing the lecturing was buying unnecessary crap - no matter what my financial situation was like.

It would also 'stick in my craw' were I to lecture my children on the needs to budget and make sacrifices while ever my selfish partner was placing yet another 'just purchased' Ł50.00 vase on my window sill.

With apologies to Brecht; "Children first, then Girlfriends".

But if she is paying for said luxuries herself we are still none the wiser as to her employment status, and said children in one case at any rate is an adult with own job! I recall a thread about lost Gaga tickets where a cleaner quitting was mentioned, yet a few weeks later the heating is an issue, not sure I'm buying it all sorry KL

[Ninastar]

Originally Posted by Ithinkiloveyoutoo

My mum is not just a "little" irrational. When she goes off on one god help you!

How did the rumours start? It must have come from somewhere.

Lol, I know that feeling!

I think the rumours were started by her meeting people who my dad works with and saying 'my husband'

She knows what she's doing. She's one of those bitches who think she's so sly and secretive, yet everyone knows what they are doing.

[kirklancaster]

Originally Posted by ArchAngel

Thanks for the socioeconomic lesson, I can see both sides here if they have pooled resources then maybe she would have a right to a say. The girlfriend brought up the subject in a grown up manner as far as I can see, it's silly to suggest they cut down on things for their home to keep stumping up dosh willy nilly.

I wasn't giving you a 'socioeconomic' lesson, I was responding to a point you made with another point, so there is no need to skit.

I completely disagree with your contention that; "The girlfriend brought up the subject in a grown up manner" because a 'grown up manner' to me is not humiliating the father in front of his children or embarrassing the children at the same time.

Yes, I would agree that it would be "silly to suggest they cut down on things for their home to keep stumping up dosh willy nilly" but this is not the case here, because the GF continuing to buy unnecessary expensive ornaments at the very same time that she is preaching to the father and his children the need to curtail his spending on them in their 'hour of need', hardly fits the sentiment of that sentence.

And in my opinion, even if they had 'pooled resources', if she really loved him, she would understand his heartbreak at being in a situation where he knows that his children need financial help but that he is financially struggling himself, and she would 'break her neck' to help him overcome such a dilemma - starting with forgoing buying any useless ornaments and suggesting that he give the children the money so saved instead.

I do not believe that anyone who truly loved someone who was in such a situation would add to his emotional turmoil by belittling him in public and compelling him to choose between herself and his children - which, is what she is really doing by her selfish actions.

If it was me, she would be straight out of the door - 'pooled resources' and all.

No woman will ever come before my children.

[Ninastar]

Originally Posted by kirklancaster

I wasn't giving you a 'socioeconomic' lesson, I was responding to a point you made with another point, so there is no need to skit.

I completely disagree with your contention that; "The girlfriend brought up the subject in a grown up manner" because a 'grown up manner' to me is not humiliating the father in front of his children or embarrassing the children at the same time.

Yes, I would agree that it would be "silly to suggest they cut down on things for their home to keep stumping up dosh willy nilly" but this is not the case here, because the GF continuing to buy unnecessary expensive ornaments at the very same time that she is preaching to the father and his children the need to curtail his spending on them in their 'hour of need', hardly fits the sentiment of that sentence.

And in my opinion, even if they had 'pooled resources', if she really loved him, she would understand his heartbreak at being in a situation where he knows that his children need financial help but that he is financially struggling himself, and she would 'break her neck' to help him overcome such a dilemma - starting with forgoing buying any useless ornaments and suggesting that he give the children the money so saved instead.

I do not believe that anyone who truly loved someone who was in such a situation would add to his emotional turmoil by belittling him in public and compelling him to choose between herself and his children - which, is what she is really doing by her selfish actions.

If it was me, she would be straight out of the door - 'pooled resources' and all.

No woman will ever come before my children.

Again, just wow...

you truly understand what she is like. Thank you. It gives me hope knowing there are people as sensible and open minded as you are.

[Ninastar]

i spoke to a family member tonight who has always always been a 'there are two sides to every story' person. and although ive always known she trusts me, she finally told me tonight (when i explained everything) that she's known exactly what my dads gf was the whole time, but wants my dad to be happy.

my aunt gave me brilliant advice and it was so relieving to hear that someone else knows what this horrid bitch is. and to know that the horrid bitch has been doing the same to my aunt... (well, thats not nice to hear, but I mean I'm glad to find out that someone else knows how i feel)

feeling a lot happier now... thanks everyone for the brill advice over the past few days

[thesheriff443]

Originally Posted by Urwreatha

i spoke to a family member tonight who has always always been a 'there are two sides to every story' person. and although ive always known she trusts me, she finally told me tonight (when i explained everything) that she's known exactly what my dads gf was the whole time, but wants my dad to be happy.

my aunt gave me brilliant advice and it was so relieving to hear that someone else knows what this horrid bitch is. and to know that the horrid bitch has been doing the same to my aunt... (well, thats not nice to hear, but I mean I'm glad to find out that someone else knows how i feel)

feeling a lot happier now... thanks everyone for the brill advice over the past few days

well as long as you are happy that's all that matters!, right.

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by Urwreatha

i spoke to a family member tonight who has always always been a 'there are two sides to every story' person. and although ive always known she trusts me, she finally told me tonight (when i explained everything) that she's known exactly what my dads gf was the whole time, but wants my dad to be happy.

my aunt gave me brilliant advice and it was so relieving to hear that someone else knows what this horrid bitch is. and to know that the horrid bitch has been doing the same to my aunt... (well, thats not nice to hear, but I mean I'm glad to find out that someone else knows how i feel)

feeling a lot happier now... thanks everyone for the brill advice over the past few days

..I'm glad that there is someone in your family who you can talk to about it all and 'have a rant' with when you need to because it's natural that you will from time to time...I think that's it as well, she makes him happy and that's what you want for him also, whatever you feel about her so you'll have to try to not let her involve you as much as you can and not react to things she says... and I have every faith in you that you will be able to do that, Caitlin .....

[Mystic Mock]

I'm quite fortunate my parents are still together, although there was a close call recently.

Anyway is the Step-Mom of yours hot or something Ninastar? It's the only reason I can understand why he would stay with someone that you've described as a money grabbing bitch.