[MB.]

#64



Points: 49

I’m glad my subliminal messaging (sticking the words ‘vote’ and ‘Kelsey’ into the thread tags) worked to a degree, as Kelsey comes in at a whopping 64th place in the ranking. When can your faves? Anyway, her appeal was generally being a fun stank bitch, the best member of the cast Third Wheel (Kelsey >> Jared > (half the cast) >>>>> Rail), and being a recruit who lolrandomed her way through the first eviction (since Crustine didn’t even get a single nomination, poor that, I’ll mentioned here that “I’ve waited sixteen years to say that I vote to evict Paige” is a season highlight srynotsry), eventually being booted after a few weeks for being a massive target and also being absolutely useless. But wait! This being Big Brother Canada, it was time for a twist lifted straight from BBUK circa-2004-and-every-year-afterwards in the form of the secret house. Of course, Kelsey was stuck in said secret house with her adversary and fellow strategic mess Loveita, who proceeded to give her a week-long crash course in how to play Big Brother. This came in handy when Kelsey was chosen to return, and promptly cockroached her way to the final two (alol <3). I’ll admit, the latter few weeks of BBCan4 weren’t the greatest time for Kelsey, especially when she had so many opportunities to go with the likes of Cassandra instead of the likes of, well, the brothers, and it was incredibly frustrating but also incredibly in-character for her not to. After all, she couldn’t beat Cassandra in a final two, but she could beat the brothers, right? Well, no. In a final act of being utterly incompetent at everything, Kelsey somehow threw away a kind of easy win (!!!) to Nick and Phil (!!!!!!!!) by giving terrible answers to the jury and not defending her game well enough and etc etc etc and thus a two-headed monster was born. But still, we’ll never forget the good times. In short: duck-stealing icon tbh?

#63



Points: 50

In many ways, Val may well have watched wibbly-wobbly Sandy from last year’s show and decided that this was something to try and challenge, as she turned up the middle-aged woman lulz to eleven, joyfully telling us about she listens to her cakes and does aerobics when baking, heartily laughing that she’ll never be allowed into Yorkshire again upon producing a particularly shoddy batch of puddings, nearly destroying the city of New York via the medium of gingerbread (I bet Bush did it) and weeping everywhere after getting eliminated. After the show, it was revealed that she was going on a holiday to Ayia Napa, which is very much a Val thing to do. Oh, and I’m sure they said at one point or another that she likes listening to Coldplay when baking, but hey, we can’t all be perfect.

ps: one of the top results when you search for Val on Google is “Val Stones Bake Off Mormon”, which would be an interesting production of The Book of Mormon to say the least.

[MB.]

=61



Points: 51

In post-Brexit Britain, one really shouldn’t be surprised when Middle Englanders take offence to something banal and harmless as if to distract from some more important issue. And yet this made the reaction to Candice wearing lipstick and occasionally pouting a bit no less bizarre. It almost took away from the fact that she was an uhmazing baker, cooking up an actual pub and making that giant peacock thing that the other contestants might well have just given up after first seeing it. And once Benjamina and Selasi were culled one after the other, it lay to Candice to not only deliver a good winner for BBC Bake Off to end on, but also a good winner in the wasteland that was the 2016 reality show hall of fame. And despite being up against a ginger and a middle-aged woman, Candice pulled it out the bag and worthily inherited Nadiya’s crown. Of course, all this wasn’t quite enough for her to crack the top 60, but I guess that’s because you’re all a bunch of Tories.

=61



Points: 51

Frances <3 She was a rather UTR presence to begin with, but that’s the same for many classic Apprentices, and she soon came into her own. Whether it was breaking down in the boardroom, pointing out that it was a badger, with a quiff – A BADGER WITH A QUIFF, or completely being ignored by her sloshed sub-team before proceeding to create a historically insensitive and geographically inaccurate logo for orange-coloured gin, it’s fair to say that Frances delivered in the final few weeks of the series. This strong endgame run makes it even more lulzy that she didn’t win a challenge until episode 7, being stuck in the losing team for the first six weeks a la dignitaries such as Elle Stephenson and fellow contestant/rankee Rebecca. Ultimately, the interviews were Frances’ undoing, because Lordsugar wasn’t going to invest in some kiddie clothing business goddammit. He wants to invest in proper stuff, like sippy cups in the shape of football trophies. Still, at least she ended up as a third place g.oddess (has that ever been a ‘thing’ on this show? It hasn’t, has it?), and the pre-finale revelation that she was both a wag and a national karate champion only did wonders for her. In the words of Frances herself, HEY BITCHES.

[Pete.]

All the Kelsey fans strategising on how she cannot possibly lose at the final 3 stage is a highlight of this RTV year

[MB.]

#60



Points: 52

I’ve blocked most of CBB18 out of my long-term memory for a vast variety of reasons, but from the little I can recall, cultural icon Sam Fox was… okay? Nothing brilliant, obviously, but she was okay. The only proper highlight that I remember from her time in the house was her ‘accidentally’ smuggling a pen into the house in her make-up bag, which was a good moment by itself but was made into a classic by her follow-up claim that she carries a pen everywhere because the public are forever hankering to get Our Sam’s autograph. Other than that… well, she told a story about her late girlfriend, which was sweet. Oh, and Bear nearly blinded her that one time, but that prick didn’t qualify so I’m not going to discuss him any more than I need to. Sam may have been chucked out of the house in a low-key double eviction with an X Factor seventh-placer, but she’ll always be a national treasure in our hearts, and will continue to demand that we touch her body for years to come.

[Firewire]

Kelsey was so underrated

[Pete.]

Sam being voted out for daring to acknowledge her fame at the same time that an atrocious child was throwing bottles at mirrors is still tragic

[Firewire]

We waited years for Sam Fox and she was put in the worst possible series to be a confident woman

[Pete.]

Originally Posted by Fireplace

We waited years for Sam Fox and she was put in the worst possible series to be a confident woman

Time for All Stars

[Mitchell]

Originally Posted by Fireplace

We waited years for Sam Fox and she was put in the worst possible series to be a confident woman

[MB.]

=58



Points: 53

Let’s just reflect on the fact that a guy who nearly named his business Purple Whale (apparently he changed it immediately after the show in disgust lol <3) was ever in contention for a corter-of-a-million-pound investment. Let’s also reflect on the fact that he put the phrase “I’d like to fart in a lift full of supermodels” in his business plan. And yet, despite this description seeming like it would fit some unholy monster, Courtney was actually quite likeable? That is, however, until his random OTTN breakout in the gin – sorry, Giin – episode, fluffing up pitches all over the shop, being extra cocky for absolutely no reason, randomly barking orders at people…and still winning the task? Lol this series. In a year so strongly dominated by the women, you could somehow have found far worse options for the sole remaining representative of the male sex than Courtney Wood. After all, somebody had to lose to Alana.

=58



Points: 53

Highest from Strictly Come Dancing

So, er, I didn't write anything for Tameka because Ross promised me that he'd send something in, and since he's a dirty rotten filthy liar, here's a wall of Tameka gifs (that took double the amount of time a write-up would have taken) instead:

[Mitchell]

A fit guy and the queen of EastEnders together

[MB.]

(yes I made one of those gifs) (it's the worst one, if that's any clue)

[Pete.]

Tameka

[MB.]

#57



Points: 54

Loveable dictator Kat’s arc was possibly the first sign that Australian Survivor wasn’t going to be a total flop after all, with the fact that she survived her one-episode rivalry with walking caricature Des suggesting that there may be room for the J’Tia and Alecia-types in this brave new world we call Ausvivor. And, lo and behold, she mostly lived up to this early good impression, going on to slay evil drama teacher Evan and survive her incredibly dysfunctional tribe, if not just for the fact that the show had a tendency to cancel Tribal Councils at the very moment it looked as if somebody good was about to be voted out (positive rigging <3). At the tribe swap – sorry, ‘merge’ – Kat joined forces with fellow rankee Kristie to oust another rankee Rohan, taking advantage of the fact that he was as dumb as all hell, leaving (spoiler) fellow rankee Phoebe to fend for herself semi-successfully. Unfortunately for our Kat, her nine lives ran out shortly afterwards, thanks to Andrew’s impromptu decision to turn into Russell Hantz for a few episodes. In a season so long and with so many people, you’d think the pre-mergers – and there were several hundred of the buggers – would simply fade into anonymity, but thankfully there were so many stars in this group, Kat being one, that this wasn’t the case in the slightest. Or maybe it’s just the fact that the season only ended two months ago and we haven’t had time to forget them yet. We’ll see!

[Ross.]

Tameka not winning

[Daniel-X]

Most of these people are LEGENDS. I'm deeply offended by people shading Kady though.

[MB.]

#56



Points: 58

Going from watching I'm a Celebrity on TV on TV to being on I'm a Celebrity on TV having become a celebrity watching I'm a Celebrity on TV on TV to having people watch you on TV watch you on TV watch you on TV on I'm a Celebrity must be a pretty odd career path to take, and I'm already too confused to write a full write-up, so, erm... good for you, Scarlett? And she's now got a fitness DVD out. Well done Scarlett, you're 10% of the way to becoming Davina McCall.

[MB.]

=54



Points: 60

Joel… existed? He talked to Marsha the Moose a few times? He did that stupid pointy finger gun thing for the cameras? He made it way too far? idk I’m kind of at an end as to discussion of Joel, because I never found him all that special. But thankfully, others disagree, and they looked beneath his ridiculous hair to see the sweet geek beneath. And to his credit, he wasn’t as dreadful as the reality TV geek often is, in that he knew how to be modest and he didn’t win (see: Ian Terry, Steve Moses, Cochran, ad infinitum). Otherwise, let’s move on.

=54



Points: 60

Sophie Grad-off, more like (y'know, given that she quit the show and all) (actually she's the one who went all lezzer on the show, right? History-making icon I guess Or should that be bicon?) (if anyone else can add something of worth to Sophie's time on Love Island then that would be much appreciated thank you)

[Pete.]

Soph

[Mitchell]

Aww Joel

[MB.]

#53



Points: 61

So to my shame, I haven't actually watched any of BB:OTT, but from Wiki-watching/vaguely following it, Shelby was the best one? And she was in the Ball Smashers? And Jason was a ****? And Shelby didn't win but she got pretty far and one of the Ball Smashers did win but that particular one didn't qualify for the ranking but her sister did? And I'm going to stop talking like this because it's weird? Yeah, that one?

[caprimint]

Candice, Courtney and Frances should be higher

Yay for Jonathan Cheban making it <3

[Mitchell]

Ball smashers sounds like the Loose Womens team name when they go bowling

[MB.]

=51



Points: 64

For a brief while at the start of this year's live shows, the idea floated around that Gifty would be one of the frontrunners for the crown. That she would eventually reveal herself to be "seventh on her best week" came as...well, no surprise to anyone who's ever stanned a black girl in a reality TV show or competition, but still. Largely used by Simon Cowell as a walking and singing advertisement for the many hits of Fifth Harmony (there have been two so far over here, don't @ me), Gifty couldn't really contain her disappointment with her mentor's judgment and the decisions of the other judges. Primarily because anyone with a working pair of eyes and ears could have seen that 'Four of Diamonds' were never going to ****ing go anywhere. She did have two Fifth Harmony-free weeks, though, and her rendition of Sam Smith's "Lay Me Down" ended up being one of the series' best performances. That's not a stellar endorsement but it's what I've got. She did bow out with a glare and a legion* of fans trolling Nicole Scherzinger's Instagram with gift emoji, though.

*probably 200 but oh well?

~ Shaun

=51



Points: 64

This piece�� is entitled "The Same Parts"���� People���������� at the party�� and I'm wanting to dance����. Other ugly-ass bitches�� ain't standing no chance❌. Dudes�������� looking at me���� like they want to get in my pants��. Come on, bitch, see me���� with 'em hands����. His back on the wall. My ass�� on his hUMP! Grinding for a second����. His stuff's getting thick����. He doesn't know it��, but I'm getting firm too����. His boys�� really need to know before calling me boo������. Because what you see���� isn't always the truth��. Because, baby���� boy����, I've got all the same parts that you do.������ (the emojis don't actually work on this forum but... just imagine they do idk)

(also she walked the runway as T-BOZ I MEAN COME ON) (thank you)

[Pete.]

And why isn't Tatianna first?