[Redway]

This isn’t going to be one of my usual poll-questionnaire threads so I’m just going to leave it as open-ended as possible. But yeah. What tactics do you use to deal with grief (bottling them up until you end up with serious problems is not a dealing-tactic; doing that’ll just lead you nowhere but a whirlpool of repressed grief and bitterness)? And would you say that you’ve ever really truly recovered from it all or was there one incident of grief you experienced at a certain point in your life that you never truly got over/weren’t the same after?

[Kate!]

I'm a bottler upper I have to admit. I bottled it all up when my mum died and ended up in hospital after a complete breakdown. Counselling is very good, I've had that.

[Kate!]

And to this day I'd say I've still not truly recovered fully. Life has to go on.

[Redway]

Originally Posted by Kate!

And to this day I'd say I've still not truly recovered fully. Life has to go on.

[parmnion]

I used to think, cracking on(I still do btw) and keeping your loved ones name from being soiled was a good way to go. It was fk fine until you capitulate, then you feel bad for years for letting them down.

That was my covid.

[rusticgal]

Talking to friends…and a good cry..

[Conzors]

I personally rationalise it in my head in a way that makes sense for me, then something will happen or I’ll see something that will ruin me and then I’m in bed for days with my phone off.. probably not the healthiest but the last thing I want are peoples opinions on how I should feel or whether I should ‘get out and go for a walk’ kindly F off lol x

[Redway]

Sometimes you just need to vent a little to someone who cares. There’s a whole word out there full of people who don’t care nothing about you and just want to gossip about you or be mates with you without understanding the concept of friendship and how not throwing mud on the name of someone who’s done nothing to deserve it but true friends or even people you just feel comfortable enough with to appropriately talk to (who might be good as strangers, or at-most online friends) are invaluable. You can walk your day-to-day life in a reserved way and keep your personal business low-key otherwise (I’m a lover of that walk of life) but when it comes to grief involving your truly loved ones (even if it’s only a friend and not a family member) everybody needs someone to talk to. Everyone. If you’re as reserved as me you probably already keep too much to yourself. Grief is the last thing you want to bottle up.

[Redway]

Originally Posted by Conzors

I personally rationalise it in my head in a way that makes sense for me, then something will happen or I’ll see something that will ruin me and then I’m in bed for days with my phone off.. probably not the healthiest but the last thing I want are peoples opinions on how I should feel or whether I should ‘get out and go for a walk’ kindly F off lol x

Haven’t seen you around since hot-mess Caroline and Gina were in Big Brother, Conzors. I’m sure you’ve grown up and learnt a lot.

How is it exactly you rationalise deaths, then? Would you be more upset if someone close to you died knowing you did everything you could to keep them alive (meaning that even if your circumstances were somewhat different you still would’ve died) or are you one of those people who prefer to hang on to whatever vestiges of indefinite hope there were (rather than feel guilty) that they might’ve still been here today if it wasn’t for circumstance X or Z? I don’t know if that makes any sense.

[parmnion]

It's the people that forget what you have dealt and are still dealing with that get on my nerves.

[Conzors]

Originally Posted by Redway

Haven’t seen you around since hot-mess Caroline and Gina were in Big Brother, Conzors. I’m sure you’ve grown up and learnt a lot.

How is it exactly you rationalise deaths, then? Would you be more upset if someone close to you died knowing you did everything you could to keep them alive (meaning that even if your circumstances were somewhat different you still would’ve died) or are you one of those people who prefer to hang on to whatever vestiges of indefinite hope there were (rather than feel guilty) that they might’ve still been here today if it wasn’t for circumstance X or Z? I don’t know if that makes any sense.

Haha perhaps even before then.
Thank you, definitely older, not sure about learning haha.

It makes sense. In my adult life, apart from pets, I haven’t had to deal with death in such a close context yet thankfully. Obviously people I know have died but nobody really close to me so I’m unable to answer that. I guess I will make up a rationale until my body decides enough is enough but one will only know when it happens.

hope you’ve been well x

[Conzors]

Originally Posted by parmnion

It's the people that forget what you have dealt and are still dealing with that get on my nerves.

Hmmm I’m on the fence with this one, it’s impossible to remember everything someone’s gone through however if you’re speaking of close friends and family members then absolutely right, they can’t just expect you to get up and get on with it so quickly,

[parmnion]

Originally Posted by Conzors

Hmmm I’m on the fence with this one, it’s impossible to remember everything someone’s gone through however if you’re speaking of close friends and family members then absolutely right, they can’t just expect you to get up and get on with it so quickly,

From my experience over the last 11 years it comes from both friends, distant and close. The distant ones just drop their feet in it now and again with comments that make you feel bad for them rather than yourself as they realise what they've said. The amount of "its ok, no need to apologise)' s I've said has made that a normal occurrence and one that doesnt trigger anything.

It's when your close friends see you as a bore, or say things like, you used to be a cracking laugh" to ther friends when you ain't there. That's what kills you deep down. Cause you know it's TRUE.

[Redway]

Originally Posted by parmnion

It's the people that forget what you have dealt and are still dealing with that get on my nerves.

Or they haven’t forgotten and actively remember but just don’t care because they’re not for you.

[Redway]

Originally Posted by Conzors

Haha perhaps even before then.
Thank you, definitely older, not sure about learning haha.

It makes sense. In my adult life, apart from pets, I haven’t had to deal with death in such a close context yet thankfully. Obviously people I know have died but nobody really close to me so I’m unable to answer that. I guess I will make up a rationale until my body decides enough is enough but one will only know when it happens.

hope you’ve been well x

Yeah, well, I’ve had lots of close-up experience with death and enough ugly overall experiences to last me four lifetimes so that’s why I’m seeing it through a certain lens (sometimes you regret what you did or didn’t do and envision life if they were still alive). I’ve become the unforgiving type over the past 2 years (as inspiring as Joseph’s story in the Bible and experiences with having to forgive is; I actually really rate that story) but touching on what parmnion was saying people who know the truth about the things you’ve been through and not just accidentally put their foot in it or pushed you to try and move on but actively mock you/do you dirty in the heat of it are the worst. Maybe the people don’t even know you that well (or really much at all) but know your relatives are in I.C.U. with severe Covid (as was the case for lots of people, myself-included, during the pandey-ho; luckily my immediate family was spared from the worst and recovered) but talk mud on you all the whole behind your back for no reason, knowing what you’re going through. It doesn’t always have to be a case of people turning on you/going off you when someone’s actually died but their disrespectful attitude to/about you when they know you’re going through a lot at that moment. They’ll shake your head at you when they see you as if you’re the one wholly in the wrong for going through stuff. And at the end of the day my grandma (who was an awesome woman) didn’t die so poison like that could live and go on holiday every year, without a care in t’world.

[Zizu]

Originally Posted by Kate!

I'm a bottler upper I have to admit. I bottled it all up when my mum died and ended up in hospital after a complete breakdown. Counselling is very good, I've had that.

I was holding my mum‘s hand as she passed .. in terrible pain as the painkillers weren’t working .. and the were no nurses around ( she was in a separate room and it was the early hours though)

I just went quiet and stayed that way for quite some time .. same coping method used when my dad passed also a few years earlier

We are all different

Hugz


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[Niamh.]

Besides pets I've really only had to deal with proper grief of my own once in my lifetime so far, obviously I've had relatives die over the years but in those situations I was always more sad for someone else left behind if that makes sense? So my grief was years ago when I was 18 and lost my best friend. It was horrific, I fell to pieces for a few weeks, and i cried a lot. Talking about her helped a lot, I would say.

[bitontheslide]

i don't think anyone deals with grief, they just learn to live with the reality over time

[LeatherTrumpet]

Time is a great healer

[Zizu]

Originally Posted by LeatherTrumpet

Time is a great healer

Yes .. only to a certain extent though , of course .


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[Zizu]

Originally Posted by bitontheslide

i don't think anyone deals with grief, they just learn to live with the reality over time

Yes , I’d agree completely


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[AnnieK]

Time helps you deal with it but doesn't make it go away. I lost my mum after a short illness and it was a shock....so I don't think it hit me until a couple of years later really. I do think the seven stages of grief are very true, I spent a lot of time in the angry stage. I was angry at the world, angry that cancer is such a ****, angry at my mum for ignoring her symptoms and not telling us, angry that other people still had their mum, angry that my son had lost his amazing grandma when he was just 4 and just angry in general. I think anger was the easier emotion to deal with whilst trying to drag my dad through his grief. When I moved passed the anger the sadness was overwhelming for a while. Its been 9 years this year and I still feel anger at times but because I miss her so much still

[Zizu]

Originally Posted by AnnieK

Time helps you deal with it but doesn't make it go away. I lost my mum after a short illness and it was a shock....so I don't think it hit me until a couple of years later really. I do think the seven stages of grief are very true, I spent a lot of time in the angry stage. I was angry at the world, angry that cancer is such a ****, angry at my mum for ignoring her symptoms and not telling us, angry that other people still had their mum, angry that my son had lost his amazing grandma when he was just 4 and just angry in general. I think anger was the easier emotion to deal with whilst trying to drag my dad through his grief. When I moved passed the anger the sadness was overwhelming for a while. Its been 9 years this year and I still feel anger at times but because I miss her so much still

Aww virtual HUGZ !!!


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[AnnieK]

Originally Posted by Zizu

Aww virtual HUGZ !!!


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[Cherie]

Originally Posted by bitontheslide

i don't think anyone deals with grief, they just learn to live with the reality over time

I was coming in to post this, grief is a process, I still have moments when I will have a cry about my Mum passing and she passed away 7 years ago