[Stu]

*sigh*

The things I do to entertain ...

Anyway after the planet shaking collision of 2:08 the Doctor comfirms 'the planet has shifted'. Dumb white woman follows this up with 'what do you mean?'. The Doc get's nostalgic about the date ... claiming it must somehow be important. Two seconds later he says forget it and calculates using that awesome brain of his that the planet moved one million miles across the universe in just under two seconds. It's amazing that they appear in perfect health after such a devastating cosmic event.

I'm going to assume that a great deal of metaphysical research was done just prior to the shooting of this project but let's just break this down for a moment here :

- The planet jumps one million miles across the space time continuum in a mere two seconds.

- None of the primary cast appear in any sort of distress. Furthermore their hairstyles and attire remain perfectly intact.

- The ship they arrived in is IN THE SAME POSITION AND IS STILL UPRIGHT.

Compare this to a recent event in our own present day existence :

Spoiler:

Now ... and open your mind real wide here ... this devastating geographical near apocalypse was instigated by some very, very meaningless physical meanderings on the cosmic scale. Certainly a lot less than ... oh say ... a fucking planet doing this :

Spoiler:

YEARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


VIN DIESEL IS DRIVING US ONE MILLION MILES ACROSS THE GALAXY TO AN UNSATISFYING CONCLUSION!

And what changes? What changes I ask? Why not a fucking bit. The Doc and his merry band of disaster immune nitwits do nothing save for undergo a few seconds of dodgy shakey cam, wibbly wobbly special effects.

And it all turns out just fine.





The Doctor says he won't fight because fighting is not his style. What a pussy. Back in my day action heroes were real men. Men like Goldberg in Universal Soldier and Nicholas Cage in ... anything. Doc wonders who else is around and dumb whitey says Razor is around. Razor works the labs, apparently. They let a guy named 'Razor' work the labs?

Doc says take me there as he gapes uncontrollably at whitey's ass. He needs to see the injuries of the dead guys. We see one of the dead blokes undergo a prognosis from who I assume is Razor. Portrayed here by Ricky Martin. In between Livin' La Vida Loca he explains that a bite to the back of the head was the cause of death which would contradict the earlier amateur postmortem which described it as a blow.

I've gotten my head blown a few times over the course of my wild teenage years and I can tell you ... the pros don't bite. There's a difference.

Anyway the victim's head is resting on a lab bed that is absoloutely pumping with fucking blood. Didn't they clean the guy up before bringing him in here? Is he an eternal haemophiliac who will just bleed and bleed until this whole sorry saga ends? Stitch him up, Razor!

Razor?

It's making more sense now. I think slash hope.

Razor has a periodic table of elements in his lab. Because ... uhh ... I'm not sure. Did this guy buy his medical cert off the internet?

ZOMBIES! Or something like zombies. They come at Razor. Mutants perhaps. We skip ahead in time as the Doc and whitey come into the lab. Razor is on the floor. He is deeply distraught and possibly the victim of some trans-species sexual assualt.

The Weevils got away but Razor managed to scan them. Oh yeah. Weevils, baby.






BREAK.