[DemolitionRed]

Originally Posted by Northern Monkey

Everyone has their vulnerabilities.It's how we handle them that's important.I think it's harder for men to talk about them and let them out.We have to look tough like nothing phases us so our family feel secure.I never like to show my misses and kids my vulnerable side cos i don't want them to think I'm a pussy

Actually I believe, at least when it comes to emotional vulnerability, men have to hide it better than women. Its normally a man who asks for the first dance, the first date and so on. Its more often the man who proposes to the woman and all those things come with a certain amount of vulnerability.

Men or woman who fear loss are more likely to numb down any chance of feeling emotionally vulnerable. The trouble with that is, when you hide your emotions, people, including your lover, don't get to know the real you, just the person you want them to know.

[user104658]

Originally Posted by DemolitionRed

Actually I believe, at least when it comes to emotional vulnerability, men have to hide it better than women. Its normally a man who asks for the first dance, the first date and so on. Its more often the man who proposes to the woman and all those things come with a certain amount of vulnerability.

Men or woman who fear loss are more likely to numb down any chance of feeling emotionally vulnerable. The trouble with that is, when you hide your emotions, people, including your lover, don't get to know the real you, just the person you want them to know.

It is strange that this is still such a social norm, in the modern world of (overall) much more equality. The number of men in their late 20s or even 30s who have NEVER had a real relationship / possibly never had any relationship at all is quite staggering, if you look at anonymous sources like reddit (where people are more inclined to be honest about it, in realz most would just pretend they have experience). But it's relatively unusual for women to reach that age and never have had a partner / have been "pursued" by someone interested.

Me and my wife were musing over high school recently (before we knew each other) and the number of times I mentioned a situation and she was like "Err yeah she clearly LIKED you, you know..." and I'm like "Hmm? Really?" and then thinking about it it seems so obvious now... But as a teenage boy I had absolutely NO idea.

[DemolitionRed]

Originally Posted by Toy Soldier

It is strange that this is still such a social norm, in the modern world of (overall) much more equality. The number of men in their late 20s or even 30s who have NEVER had a real relationship / possibly never had any relationship at all is quite staggering, if you look at anonymous sources like reddit (where people are more inclined to be honest about it, in realz most would just pretend they have experience). But it's relatively unusual for women to reach that age and never have had a partner / have been "pursued" by someone interested.

Me and my wife were musing over high school recently (before we knew each other) and the number of times I mentioned a situation and she was like "Err yeah she clearly LIKED you, you know..." and I'm like "Hmm? Really?" and then thinking about it it seems so obvious now... But as a teenage boy I had absolutely NO idea.

Then the question has to be asked: Are women more intuitive than men?

I was never in doubt of my admirers but then I always left it to them to do something about it. I would try and drop the odd clue that I fancied them too but it didn't always work and perhaps that's because those guys didn't pick up on those clues!

[user104658]

Originally Posted by DemolitionRed

Then the question has to be asked: Are women more intuitive than men?

I was never in doubt of my admirers but then I always left it to them to do something about it. I would try and drop the odd clue that I fancied them too but it didn't always work and perhaps that's because those guys didn't pick up on those clues!

An interesting hypothesis there really. Is it that women expect men to make the first move, or DO women make the first move in ways that they assume are obvious... But aren't picked up? And then they think there's no returned interest when really it's more miscommunication than anything. Hmmm. Nothing proceeds until the man makes the more "obvious" move, so that's assumed to be the first move.

But then I guess in terms of what is actually going on for that person, it doesn't matter either way, they are still putting themselves out there just as much in THEIR mind, if any signals were missed.

No idea if that actually makes sense.

[ebandit]

can't compute...can't compute........emotional vulnerability? ....

....such puzzling words....................

Mark L

[Withano]

Emotions are for the weak

[arista]

Originally Posted by Withano

Emotions are for the weak

Yes in WW3,
they get Fast 3 weeks trained,
and with Fast Military Gun Firing Robots
on 4 legs , will go Front Line

[Vicky.]

I don't really understand the question if I am honest...

Though I don't seem to experience emotions fullstop except if its something to do with the kids :/ I don't feel guilt, empathy, nothing. Always thought this was pretty normal until my counsilor person told me it wasn't a few years back. Been relatively 'numb' for as long as I can remember and the only stirrings of emotion have always been about the kids, I feel guilty if they fall over, I get upset if they are upset...and so on.

So I expect..my answer is the second one?

[Kizzy]

Up until the last few years I ha what is politely termed as a 'crutch' better known as an addiction, that I used to suppress an emotional vulnerability, now I confront it, and if I can resolve it.
It's a much better way to live

[DemolitionRed]

Originally Posted by Kizzy

Up until the last few years I ha what is politely termed as a 'crutch' better known as an addiction, that I used to suppress an emotional vulnerability, now I confront it, and if I can resolve it.
It's a much better way to live

Emotional containment is probably the biggest thing to hold back, not only relationships but the ability to achieve your own goals.

I'm glad you sorted that out Kizzy

[Kizzy]

I don't think I would appreciate it if a partner kept something from me, I would like to share the burden, and feel I was trusted enough to be able to support them and help if I can. Two heads are better than one?
This let's not worry the little woman view is I thought a tad outmoded.

[Niamh.]

Originally Posted by Kizzy

I don't think I would appreciate it if a partner kept something from me, I would like to share the burden, and feel I was trusted enough to be able to support them and help if I can. Two heads are better than one?
This let's not worry the little woman view is I thought a tad outmoded.

Definitely and it's an idea that needs to be stamped out, I don't want my son growing up thinking he can't talk about how he's feeling etc to go all corny "A problem shared, is a problem halved......

[DemolitionRed]

Originally Posted by Niamh.

Definitely and it's an idea that needs to be stamped out, I don't want my son growing up thinking he can't talk about how he's feeling etc to go all corny "A problem shared, is a problem halved......

This brings me back to the conversation I had yesterday. Do we subconsciously teach our children to mask their vulnerabilities. I'll give you an example...

...When I was little, my parents really molly coddled me. They thought I was perfect, they told everyone I was perfect and of course, being perfect, quickly rubbed off on me!. The problem with that is, the outside world quickly taught me that I was anything but perfect and I spent my childhood not wanting my parents to know that. I worried about my looks, my figure, my academic struggles but I didn't want to share any of those worries with my parents because, deep in my subconscious I believed their expectations of me would be dashed.

Instead of letting our children believe that we think they are perfect, we need to let them know that as human beings, they can't be perfect because every human being is hard wired to struggle. We should be letting them know that they don't need to be perfect but they will always be worthy of love and belonging.

[jennyjuniper]

Originally Posted by DemolitionRed

This brings me back to the conversation I had yesterday. Do we subconsciously teach our children to mask their vulnerabilities. I'll give you an example...

...When I was little, my parents really molly coddled me. They thought I was perfect, they told everyone I was perfect and of course, being perfect, quickly rubbed off on me!. The problem with that is, the outside world quickly taught me that I was anything but perfect and I spent my childhood not wanting my parents to know that. I worried about my looks, my figure, my academic struggles but I didn't want to share any of those worries with my parents because, deep in my subconscious I believed their expectations of me would be dashed.

Instead of letting our children believe that we think they are perfect, we need to let them know that as human beings, they can't be perfect because every human being is hard wired to struggle. We should be letting them know that they don't need to be perfect but they will always be worthy of love and belonging.

That sounds good to me. When my daughter was little, her nana cared for her while I worked and although I loved Nana dearly, I used to get annoyed at her always letting my daughter win when it came to playing games. I told her she was setting her up for a big shock when she went to school and found out that other people wouldn't be willing to let her win all the time. I tried to balance it out by NOT letting her win when we played games at home.

[Kizzy]

I would say that today vulnerability is seen as weakness, look at the thread on trigger warnings... nothing is allowed to phase you. Got PTSD? Just face it and move on!

This coupled with the British 'stiff upper lip' no wonder addictions are on the rise, it's not healthy to suppress emotions, sooner or later like a shook up champagne bottle something has to give.
I would also agree that it begins in childhood, look at the change in the opinion on bullying in schools, if trauma and/or grief isn't resolved it will simply manifest.
You will then forever be vulnerable, as you just don't have the correct protective tools.

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by Kizzy

I would say that today vulnerability is seen as weakness, look at the thread on trigger warnings... nothing is allowed to phase you. Got PTSD? Just face it and move on!

This coupled with the British 'stiff upper lip' no wonder addictions are on the rise, it's not healthy to suppress emotions, sooner or later like a shook up champagne bottle something has to give.
I would also agree that it begins in childhood, look at the change in the opinion on bullying in schools, if trauma and/or grief isn't resolved it will simply manifest.
You will then forever be vulnerable, as you just don't have the correct protective tools.

I don't think many in that thread are speaking about those with PTSD to be fair, more the ridiculous hoards of youngsters today who reckon they are 'triggered' by every little thing and that opening a milk carton should come with a trigger warning

[Kizzy]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

I don't think many in that thread are speaking about those with PTSD to be fair, more the ridiculous hoards of youngsters today who reckon they are 'triggered' by every little thing and that opening a milk carton should come with a trigger warning

The lecturer in the vid referred to PTSD sufferers, so if they have to just get on with it what about the rest of us?
Triggers are real, they may not be for those who aren't affected obviously.
But then they are usually the people mocking their usefulness.

[Vicky.]

Originally Posted by Kizzy

The lecturer in the vid referred to PTSD sufferers, so if they have to just get on with it what about the rest of us?
Triggers are real, they may not be for those who aren't affected obviously.
But then they are usually the people mocking their usefulness.

fair enough, I didn't watch the video as I have no sound on my computer so I will taker your word for it xD

I don't doubt triggers are real. But the majority of people who yell 'triggered' are just being idiots and/or looking for attention. I mean, take this as an example. I have a friend who is a trans woman. She was telling me a few weeks back about another trans woman (who incidentally, does not want any hormone therapy, surgery, anything, just to dress as a woman. So in other words..a crossdresser) who was having 'panic attacks' and crying because she had been to the toilet and a woman had asked her friend for a tampon as her period had came. Apparently the fact that a male cannot get periods is triggering these days. It ALWAYS seems to be stupid stuff like this.

[Niamh.]

Originally Posted by Vicky.

fair enough, I didn't watch the video as I have no sound on my computer so I will taker your word for it xD

I don't doubt triggers are real. But the majority of people who yell 'triggered' are just being idiots and/or looking for attention. I mean, take this as an example. I have a friend who is a trans woman. She was telling me a few weeks back about another trans woman (who incidentally, does not want any hormone therapy, surgery, anything, just to dress as a woman. So in other words..a crossdresser) who was having 'panic attacks' and crying because she had been to the toilet and a woman had asked her friend for a tampon as her period had came. Apparently the fact that a male cannot get periods is triggering these days. It ALWAYS seems to be stupid stuff like this.

Of all the things to get upset about that's the one they should be rejoicing over

[Mystic Mock]

I can be emotional, but I'd never let it get me down and effect my decision making.

[Beso]

strange one this.

through the years since i was about 12-40..i'm 46 now, i had loved and lost a great deal in my life leaving me heartbroken and i would feel guilty and upset about what io had and had lost for many many years.

I lost my son and dad within the space of 6 months three years ago and havn't really grieved yet. Yes i cried at the time but since then i have tried to block it all out, so i think or want to know if i am a bit emotionally vulnarable?

[Niamh.]

Originally Posted by parmnion

strange one this.

through the years since i was about 12-40..i'm 46 now, i had loved and lost a great deal in my life leaving me heartbroken and i would feel guilty and upset about what io had and had lost for many many years.

I lost my son and dad within the space of 6 months three years ago and havn't really grieved yet. Yes i cried at the time but since then i have tried to block it all out, so i think or want to know if i am a bit emotionally vulnarable?

Sounds like self preservation Parmnion, there's a difference between losing loves etc to losing a child and your dad as well at the same time (or close to) I couldn't even imagine pain like that, I'm really sorry for your losses, I remember you said something about it before