[Raph]

It's a genuine question I have. I know different people deal with losing their loved ones in different ways. I don't really know how to deal with losing someone close to me. It happened in early December and i'm still struggling to deal with it, come to terms with it and stuff. It's just really sad. And I try to forget it, but forgetting it just feels unjust to the issue in hand. And then I feel silly if I'm always sad as well. Any advice?

[Marcus.]

i be really sad and in a funk

[Ammi]

..grief is a very personal thing..there isn't a 'formula' to it..no one can tell you how to grieve...have you tried talking to someone..your parents/family/friends..?

[Scarlett.]

There's no set way to deal with losing someone, when my mum died, it took me a hell of a long time to fully recover, and to be honest, without the support of friends and family, I'm not sure I would have recovered from that. So I guess, the best way to deal with it is through being with people you care about.

[Raph]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..grief is a very personal thing..there isn't a 'formula' to it..no one can tell you how to grieve...have you tried talking to someone..your parents/family/friends..?

Yeah I suppose, but I don't know what my personal way of doing it is, if that makes sense? Yeah i've spoken to my friends and my parents. But it's just nothing can bring the person back, no matter how much you talk to people and I find that so difficult to deal with. I'm gonna see a therapist on Saturday though so hopefully that'll do some good.

[King Gizzard]

Thankfully haven't really had to yet. Apart from a close friend in 2006 but I've been in shock mode about that ever since, it never sank in

[Raph]

Originally Posted by Chewdolph

There's no set way to deal with losing someone, when my mum died, it took me a hell of a long time to fully recover, and to be honest, without the support of friends and family, I'm not sure I would have recovered from that. So I guess, the best way to deal with it is through being with people you care about.

Did you feel guilty sometimes though when you would think about it too much around your friends/family and feel like you don't want to be a burden and like be obsessive about the one passing? I'm sorry to hear about your mother btw.

[Raph]

Originally Posted by Yukon Cornelius

Thankfully haven't really had to yet. Apart from a close friend in 2006 but I've been in shock mode about that ever since, it never sank in

What do you mean when you say it never sunk in? Like can you still not really conceptualize it now? Thanks for this guys, it's always helpful to hear different viewpoints.

[King Gizzard]

Originally Posted by Barker

What do you mean when you say it never sunk in? Like can you still not really conceptualize it now? Thanks for this guys, it's always helpful to hear different viewpoints.

I suppose the best way of putting it is I never mourned them, I was in so much shock because it was sudden (car crash), I didn't know how to deal with it

[AnnieK]

My friend lost her mum when we were 16 and didn't deal with it at all. She replaced her mum by having a baby young to get the mother child bond back. it hit her years later and hit her hard so my advice is to deal with things as they happen and however it feels right for you to do it. As Ammi said it is very personal so however you choose to work through it will be right for you. A therapist is a good start I think.

[Scarlett.]

Originally Posted by Barker

Did you feel guilty sometimes though when you would think about it too much around your friends/family and feel like you don't want to be a burden and like be obsessive about the one passing? I'm sorry to hear about your mother btw.

Not really, me, my brother and my dad all became codependant on each other throughout the whole thing, it's probably the same when you lose any family members, chances are the rest also feel the same.

Cheers it'll be 10 months since I lost her this coming January, I still think "what if" most days, its something that never goes away, you just eventually learn to deal with the grief.

[Ammi]

Originally Posted by Barker

Yeah I suppose, but I don't know what my personal way of doing it is, if that makes sense? Yeah i've spoken to my friends and my parents. But it's just nothing can bring the person back, no matter how much you talk to people and I find that so difficult to deal with. I'm gonna see a therapist on Saturday though so hopefully that'll do some good.

..you may be already dealing with it though, before you can grieve there is a period of shock and that's the 'first stage' if you like...

[Raph]

Originally Posted by Yukon Cornelius

I suppose the best way of putting it is I never mourned them, I was in so much shock because it was sudden (car crash), I didn't know how to deal with it

See, in my case it was a shock as well. Which makes it so much harder I think. I feel as though if I had some way to prepare for it, i'd be able to deal with it better. It's just so hard to understand. I'm just waiting for him to call me again. I feel like I'm mourning, but i'm not really believing my mourning because I don't believe the situation/don't want to let myself believe the situation, if that makes sense.

[thesheriff443]

it takes time to deal with loseing someone you loved or cared for,dont be afraid to feel the way you feel,it makes you question life.

[Black Dagger]

We all deal with grief in different ways Raph.

Luckily I've not had to deal with it, but I know when my grandparents pass, I will probs be a mess for a while, as I rely on them.

[Ammi]

..Raph, I don't like talking about things like this on the forum..I find it too personal..I'm going to come and talk to you on your wall if that's ok with you...?...

[Raph]

Originally Posted by Mrs Claus

My friend lost her mum when we were 16 and didn't deal with it at all. She replaced her mum by having a baby young to get the mother child bond back. it hit her years later and hit her hard so my advice is to deal with things as they happen and however it feels right for you to do it. As Ammi said it is very personal so however you choose to work through it will be right for you. A therapist is a good start I think.

Yeah I feel like i've covered up my grief with stuff like alcohol and weed too so I get where you're coming from. I want to deal with it, but I just find it so hard. And i'll be super sad for a while and the pretend like it's not real and the cycle just goes on and on. But yeah hopefully the therapist should be helpful

Originally Posted by Chewdolph

Not really, me, my brother and my dad all became codependant on each other throughout the whole thing, it's probably the same when you lose any family members, chances are the rest also feel the same.

Cheers it'll be 10 months since I lost her this coming January, I still think "what if" most days, its something that never goes away, you just eventually learn to deal with the grief.

I guess yeah time is a cure for anything. But that's good to hear that you don't think you were being a burden on your family. That makes me feel better about not wanting to just all keep it locked in myself. Thanks man

Originally Posted by Ammi

..you may be already dealing with it though, before you can grieve there is a period of shock and that's the 'first stage' if you like...

Yeah I know what you mean. I guess I just wish there was a simple solution which could make me get over it from one day to the next..

[Raph]

Originally Posted by Ammi

..Raph, I don't like talking about things like this on the forum..I find it too personal..I'm going to come and talk to you on your wall if that's ok with you...?...

yeah sure i'd really appreciate that actually, Ammi..

[Raph]

Originally Posted by Prancer

We all deal with grief in different ways Raph.

Luckily I've not had to deal with it, but I know when my grandparents pass, I will probs be a mess for a while, as I rely on them.

Yeah my grandpa was like a best friend a second father to me, which is why it's so incredibly difficult

[Scarlett.]

Originally Posted by Barker

See, in my case it was a shock as well. Which makes it so much harder I think. I feel as though if I had some way to prepare for it, i'd be able to deal with it better. It's just so hard to understand. I'm just waiting for him to call me again. I feel like I'm mourning, but i'm not really believing my mourning because I don't believe the situation/don't want to let myself believe the situation, if that makes sense.

It makes a lot of sense, that feeling is one of the hardest to get over. I think it's the sort of wound that only time can really heal. I hope you start to feel better soon.

[Shaun]

The only thing I can recommend, as someone who lost two in the same year, is to talk about it with those who you still have. Obviously it depends on what type of person you are - reunite with them to celebrate their memory, or trade stories, or visit places where you have fond memories... only if you feel comfortable of course, don't go places or do things if you're feeling too upset...

I personally have a lot of differences with my family... tastes, behaviour and so on, so although I occasionally find some of their tributes a little tacky or something (my mum originally wanted a white gravestone with some weird emblem in it for my older brother), there's obviously still a tonne more good stories and similarities to reminisce with.

I'm not saying this will heal all wounds because it won't, and death (especially as you describe it being a shock) won't really ever lead to a happy place where you're all resolved and moved on, but for me personally I think it's just nice to look back occasionally.

[Redway]

I'm really sorry to hear that, Barker. Losing someone's always an emotional thing but there are so many things to help you cope with it.

As Ammi said, it's impossible to tailor anything to your needs as we all cope with grief in different ways but have you tried talking to a counselor or someone about it? I'm not trying to be facetious but they're usually a great help if you're feeling down.

[Raph]

Originally Posted by Turboman

The only thing I can recommend, as someone who lost two in the same year, is to talk about it with those who you still have. Obviously it depends on what type of person you are - reunite with them to celebrate their memory, or trade stories, or visit places where you have fond memories... only if you feel comfortable of course, don't go places or do things if you're feeling too upset...

I personally have a lot of differences with my family... tastes, behaviour and so on, so although I occasionally find some of their tributes a little tacky or something (my mum originally wanted a white gravestone with some weird emblem in it for my older brother), there's obviously still a tonne more good stories and similarities to reminisce with.

I'm not saying this will heal all wounds because it won't, and death (especially as you describe it being a shock) won't really ever lead to a happy place where you're all resolved and moved on, but for me personally I think it's just nice to look back occasionally.

Thanks for that Shaun I really like the approach you've suggested of celebrating in a way. Trying to reminisce in a positive sense. I'll definitely give that a shot. And i am sorry to hear about your losses too. It's been two in this one year for me too, so I know where you're coming from all too well..

[Raph]

Originally Posted by Scouse Prezzie

I'm really sorry to hear that, Barker. Losing someone's always an emotional thing but there are so many things to help you cope with it.

As Ammi said, it's impossible to tailor anything to your needs as we all cope with grief in different ways but have you tried talking to a counselor or someone about it? I'm not trying to be facetious but they're usually a great help if you're feeling down.

Yeah that's exactly what I'm doing on Saturday. I really feel like I need to talk to someone who isn't my friend/family. I just feel so lost in the world all of a sudden and I don't think I can deal with it without a councilor.

Thanks everyone really for all your contributions, means a lot

[Mrluvaluva]

I am sorry to hear of your loss Raph. No matter if you think you are prepared for something, you never are, and the passing of someone very close to you always comes as a shock. As already said, there is not a set way to deal with these things, just do what feels comfortable, and helpful to you. Sometimes, talking to someone who is not emotionally attached to the situation can help. There may be things you feel you cannot say to family or friends, for fear of upsetting them, or making them feel sad too, so somebody impartial could be a help. Talking about your feelings however, with family/friends, where you can share memories, is a good thing for some people also. Time on your own, thinking about times together, and as Shaun said, visiting places where you shared happy times, can also help in the grieving process. The most important thing of all though, is to do what you feel you need to do. And don't feel guilty about enjoying yourself. It's true what they say, time is definitely a great healer, and it will get easier. There will come a point when you will find peace and acceptance with your loss, and I hope you find it soon.