[Pyramid*]

I've waited to see how this thread was going before putting up this post - this might throw some perspective on 'both sides of the argument' (in respect of selfish or brave act etc).

My father took his own life some years ago. I don't want to go into the reasons why, but suffice to say, the reasons for him doing so were that he saw no other way out - but in making his choice, what happened simply was that the matters that he had created, had caused, would not go away, and ultimately - as an only child, it was me alone who had to endure almost 2 years of 'clearing up what had been left behind'.

Seven years on, I still fleet between a range of emotions. Guilt that he felt he couldn't tell people before making his choice. Distraught at the sheer hell he must have gone through psychologically that he felt that was his only option. Anger at being left to deal with what he couldn't - but expected me (and I say me, which will become clear) to deal with instead. Sadness, hurt, frustration, bewilderment. It completely changed me, certainly in the first 2 years and ultimately has had a lasting effect - and not for the good.

My father chose to download instructions on how to disable the C.A.T. in his car, then meticulously left 7 folders/files, detailing all of the problems, all the paperwork, documentation etc - with instructions left for me on who to contact for which respective 'matter'. thoughtful some would say? I didn't say that - I felt incredibly angry and bitter. I also felt distressed that this was being carefully planned in an attempt to 'make it easier' for me in it's own warped way. Once he had attended to that, he considered the best place to be was the garage at the family home - and that is where he died through carbon monoxide poisoing. In a place where he kne it would be me that found him.

It completely tore the family (by that I mean aunt/uncles etc).

The final 'kick in the stomach' for me (yes, I know some wil say I am being self absorbed here), but a letter was left for my mother - apologising. To my mother only (who had severe mental issues and eventually was sectioned). No letter left for me - the only child - who he knew would be the one left to deal with the aftermath. Hurt? Doesn't begin to describe it. Selfish on my part - absolutely, but hurt was uppermost.

My father's suicide drove me far too close to following on in the same way - and the only thing that stopped me was knowing what it feels like for the people like me. I could not put that devastation (and I don't use that word lightly) that it causes, onto anyone I ever cared about. It has resonating effects that simply will never go away.

To anyone on this thread who has these suicidal feeling wash over them - or feels the desire to attempt - you have no idea how much it destroys those who are left. Nothing I can ever put down in writing can articulate enough the damage caused to those left behind. I certainly cannot tell anyone not to consider suicide, but what I can tell you is: whatever you are feeling that may make you want to consider it, should you be successful - those you leave behind will carry the feeling you had, multiplied by 100 - for the rest of their lives. I don't think anyone's loved ones deserve that.