[Crimson Dynamo]

Bantry, Ireland—Expressing overwhelming gratitude for his
partner, local man Fergus Hagerty told reporters
Monday that marrying his wife Siofra Hagerty, a
woman who doesn’t eat her pizza crusts, was the best
decision he ever made. “It’s basically double the
crusts, or kind of infinity crusts when you think about
how much more pizza in our lifetime we still have left
to eat,” said Dorfman, who shuddered with dread as
he speculated what would have become of his life if
he had never met the woman who left the discarded
crusts piled on the edge of her plate every time the
couple ordered pizza approximately two to three
times a month. “Yep, I pretty much won the jackpot
with this one. Sometimes I even dip them in ranch
dressing. Otherwise, we fight constantly and it’s
pretty much a loveless marriage, but I can’t get
enough of these crusts!” At press time, Dorfman
added that if the couple ever had a kid, hopefully the
child wouldn’t like to eat their pizza crusts either.

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