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Old 08-11-2023, 11:13 PM #1
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Default My mother died earlier today.

I can't say anything more truthful than I feel like my world is shattered. My heart is broken, and my world along with it. Her official time of death was at 4:25pm, but really she was gone long before that. They tried for around two hours to get a heartbeat back. I've said so much today to the ambulance, police, my father, my uncle about what I was thinking and how I was feeling, etc. How I was staying strong in front of them but I knew I'd break down later in private, as would my father. We're that sort of people.

I can't remember exactly what the last thing she said to me was. And that was always a fear I had - that I wouldn't remember the last thing she said to me. I know she asked my father to put the fan on because she was feeling faint. And that's when her head started lulling backward and she looked at me like she was looking right through me. It crushes me to remember the blank look on her face and I wished to God I knew what the last thing she saw was, that she was cognisant of.

Around an hour ago, my father and uncle went for a walk to try and clear their heads. I stayed behind and wanted to clean up her bedroom where she died. It was all rather hectic with the ambulance service coming in and out, and the place was a mess. I just needed something to do, I think. That's when I broke. Picked up her handbag to move it to the side and I just fell against the cupboard door, sobbing and weeping. I wished aloud that I hope there's a God, that I hope there's a heaven and that she's there. Just somewhere in the universe for her to still exist in some sense and that I wish I can see her again someday. I wept for about five minutes, but deeply so, childishly demanding that she be given back to us. I'm sure that's not the last of it, but for the moment it'll do.

I stayed with her body for so long before the coroner finally arrived to collect her body, holding her hand and kissing her forehead, saying lots of random **** like I love you, I'll miss you, etc. And now while I still have my father and of course I love him and I recognise that we have to look out for each other now more than ever before, I still feel so fundamentally and utterly alone in this world now that my mother, my best friend, is gone forever.

I've been comforting myself and my father by saying that at least she was at home and with the people who loved her and that that's all that really counts in the end. I just needed to write this down.

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Old 08-11-2023, 11:15 PM #2
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I am so very sorry !!

Words fail me


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Old 08-11-2023, 11:19 PM #3
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I'm sorry to hear about this.

I really wouldn't want to imagine what it must feel like.

Just remember if there's ever anything that you want to say away from friends and family, that we are here as a community to try and help you through it.
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Old 08-11-2023, 11:22 PM #4
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I'm so sorry to hear that. Was it sudden or had she been sick? Sounds like you're still in shock
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Old 08-11-2023, 11:22 PM #5
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That's devastating, very sorry for your loss
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Old 08-11-2023, 11:22 PM #6
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Originally Posted by ChalkOutlineMan View Post
I can't say anything more truthful than I feel like my world is shattered. My heart is broken, and my world along with it. Her official time of death was at 4:25pm, but really she was gone long before that. They tried for around two hours to get a heartbeat back. I've said so much today to the ambulance, police, my father, my uncle about what I was thinking and how I was feeling, etc. How I was staying strong in front of them but I knew I'd break down later in private, as would my father. We're that sort of people.

I can't remember exactly what the last thing she said to me was. And that was always a fear I had - that I wouldn't remember the last thing she said to me. I know she asked my father to put the fan on because she was feeling faint. And that's when her head started lulling backward and she looked at me like she was looking right through me. It crushes me to remember the blank look on her face and I wished to God I knew what the last thing she saw was, that she was cognisant of.

Around an hour ago, my father and uncle went for a walk to try and clear their heads. I stayed behind and wanted to clean up her bedroom where she died. It was all rather hectic with the ambulance service coming in and out, and the place was a mess. I just needed something to do, I think. That's when I broke. Picked up her handbag to move it to the side and I just fell against the cupboard door, sobbing and weeping. I wished aloud that I hope there's a God, that I hope there's a heaven and that she's there. Just somewhere in the universe for her to still exist in some sense and that I wish I can see her again someday. I wept for about five minutes, but deeply so, childishly demanding that she be given back to us. I'm sure that's not the last of it, but for the moment it'll do.

I stayed with her body for so long before the coroner finally arrived to collect her body, holding her hand and kissing her forehead, saying lots of random **** like I love you, I'll miss you, etc. And now while I still have my father and of course I love him and I recognise that we have to look out for each other now more than ever before, I still feel so fundamentally and utterly alone in this world now that my mother, my best friend, is gone forever.

I've been comforting myself and my father by saying that at least she was at home and with the people who loved her and that that's all that really counts in the end. I just needed to write this down.
So very sorry
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Old 08-11-2023, 11:29 PM #7
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Oh what a dreadfully painful day you've had, you are in great sorrow right now. I send you and yours my deepest condolences . I can say this is good place for airing emotions and letting it out . TIBB is very supportive and caring at times like this.
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Old 08-11-2023, 11:32 PM #8
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I'm so sorry.
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Old 08-11-2023, 11:43 PM #9
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I’m so sorry for your loss…

When I lost my mum I was willing her for a sign that she was watching over us…and since that moment we have had many a sign in our house. Believe what you wish but I find it a great comfort….she will always be looking out for you.
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Old 08-11-2023, 11:43 PM #10
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Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that, Chalk.
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Old 08-11-2023, 11:55 PM #11
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So sorry to hear this
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Old 09-11-2023, 12:59 AM #12
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I’m really sorry to hear this. You’ve been able to articulate your feelings very well and I’m sure writing it down made it clearer in your head. Nothing can prepare you for this and every emotion you go through is normal and valid. Keep writing things down if it helps you make sense of things ♥️
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Old 09-11-2023, 01:05 AM #13
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I am so very sorry !!

Words fail me


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I'm sorry to hear about this.

I really wouldn't want to imagine what it must feel like.

Just remember if there's ever anything that you want to say away from friends and family, that we are here as a community to try and help you through it.
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I'm so sorry to hear that. Was it sudden or had she been sick? Sounds like you're still in shock
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That's devastating, very sorry for your loss
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So very sorry
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Oh what a dreadfully painful day you've had, you are in great sorrow right now. I send you and yours my deepest condolences . I can say this is good place for airing emotions and letting it out . TIBB is very supportive and caring at times like this.
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I'm so sorry.
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I’m so sorry for your loss…

When I lost my mum I was willing her for a sign that she was watching over us…and since that moment we have had many a sign in our house. Believe what you wish but I find it a great comfort….she will always be looking out for you.
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Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that, Chalk.
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So sorry to hear this
Thank you all so much for your kind words, each and every one of you. It really does mean a lot to me. I agree, Hijaxers, I haven't been here long, but still I've always been able to tell that this is a place full of good souls and kind hearts.

In answer to Niamh specifically - Admittedly her health hadn't been great for the last five or six years of her life, but she'd been going to dialysis three days a week for the past year and a half or so and she seemed to be in an overall better state. She was a large lady and had diabetes, and it breaks my heart a little, because for the last year or so she'd been trying to turn things back around and diet and gain some indepence for herself again (my father and I cared for her round the clock and somebody always had to be in the house with her), but clearly it was too late. She'd thrown up a little bit and had a jittery stomach in the morning, but never did I anticipate what happened next. I'll be interested to hear what the actual cause of death was. In any case, I've been mentally preparing myself for this for a long time. But still it's hard to process.

In answer to Rusticgal - Don't worry, I will absolutely be keeping an eye out for something to let me know she's still about in some capacity. And if nothing else, it wouldn't serve me any to believe that there's nothing beyond this life. Even if it's just blind faith and hope, it'll do for me.
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Old 09-11-2023, 01:07 AM #14
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I’m really sorry to hear this. You’ve been able to articulate your feelings very well and I’m sure writing it down made it clearer in your head. Nothing can prepare you for this and every emotion you go through is normal and valid. Keep writing things down if it helps you make sense of things ♥️
Thanks, Conzors. I appreciate that so much. I have spoken to a friend or two over texts and it's definitely helped me feel better, even if just a little bit, to get out what I've been feeling over the past few hours and write it all down.
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Old 09-11-2023, 03:20 AM #15
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Default My mother died earlier today.

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Thank you all so much for your kind words, each and every one of you. It really does mean a lot to me. I agree, Hijaxers, I haven't been here long, but still I've always been able to tell that this is a place full of good souls and kind hearts.

.

I sat with my mum for her last 6 days .. never left her side in a busy ward

We were told that they could do nothing for her and assigned her as nil by mouth

So we knew she was dying but she didn’t


It was a double whammy… I was losing my beautiful mother but I had to put on a brave face and lie to her each day ..


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Old 09-11-2023, 05:58 AM #16
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I feel for you chalk, for those of us who have been there, we know what you are going through.

I lost my Mum over 35 years ago, and I still feel her loss to this day
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Old 09-11-2023, 06:39 AM #17
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I feel for you chalk, for those of us who have been there, we know what you are going through.

I lost my Mum over 35 years ago, and I still feel her loss to this day
I was trying to find the words to express myself, I think your words speak for all of us.
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Old 09-11-2023, 07:01 AM #18
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So very sorry Chalk. The pain will be raw for a while but remember the good times too. I will say, that when I lost my mum, being on here gave .e a welcome distraction at tunes and a lot of members dragged me through it.

Take care of you and your Dad.....
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Old 09-11-2023, 07:49 AM #19
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I was trying to find the words to express myself, I think your words speak for all of us.
They really do.

The words I mean.
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Old 09-11-2023, 07:58 AM #20
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Really sorry to hear of your devastating loss.

I found nothing in life prepares you for the loss of the important person of your life being your Mother.

Thinking of you at this awful time.
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Old 09-11-2023, 07:58 AM #21
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aw Chalk my heart breaks for you, it sounds so sudden and traumatic, losing a parent is tough, look after yourself and your family, you are in my thoughts xx
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Old 09-11-2023, 07:59 AM #22
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…I’m so, so very sorry for your loss… …I can’t imagine how difficult for you to write that down and to exhale, really…there is nothing that anyone can say that will in any way ease that numbness right now…I’m glad that you got to sit with her for those days…we’ll never know how much strength that gives someone when they need it most…that support is something that she would have felt from you, so many times through her life as you felt hers also …my own mum passed away almost a year ago and I recognise so much of what you’ve said…I’ll never know what it would have meant to her for us to be there because she’d stopped being aware of us/aware of anything in her life many years ago…one of the things this last year, since we lost her and with my brothers…has been to take her back through her life and visit so many places and so many times and so many stages of her…/…all of those childhood memories we’ve had that she gave us all through our lives, so much that was a path to help make us who we are……I know that you will but you don’t need to look for anything/any sign that she’s still there and with you… because she’s there in everything you are, everything she’s given you and everything she’s made you feel…you’re not alone and you never will be through your whole life…we might lose the person but we never lose the love they’ve given….I know that your loss is overwhelming right now but it’s not just part of showing how much you loved her, it’s also showing how much she loved you…whenever you feel what you need to feel, just allow that also, if it needs to be released, allow it that space….you take care, I truly am so very sorry…
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Old 09-11-2023, 08:05 AM #23
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I feel for you chalk, for those of us who have been there, we know what you are going through.

I lost my Mum over 35 years ago, and I still feel her loss to this day

Yeah … I left that part out ..


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Old 09-11-2023, 12:21 PM #24
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Very sorry for your loss, it's a terrible thing to process and can really take time. It'll be 10 years next year since my own mum died (relatively young, I was 28 and she was in her 50's) and in all honesty it's really only the last 2 or 3 years that I've properly processed all of it.

You mentioned picturing her face - try to think of her healthy and in better times. I know it can be very difficult - I had an awful image of my mum's face not long before she died stuck firmly in my head for a while, I found that if you really make the effort to picture better memories every time it comes up, eventually it'll stop being such an invasive thought.
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Old 09-11-2023, 12:22 PM #25
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I'm so sorry for your loss
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